Questions Posed: “How do you perceive a porn star?…”

“How do you perceive a porn star? Would you find them to be ‘low’ due to their choice of career?”

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Someone asked me this today. And to be honest, I felt conflicted about answering. Yes, I have done porn. No, it never represented a career choice for me.But, would/do I judge someone who did so?

Honestly?

Yes.

But wait, let me explain. Here was my answer:

“I think it’s difficult to be mindful about sex when you are getting paid for it.”

And why, you ask, do we need to be mindful about sex anyway? Isn’t it about passion? Well yes, but I believe that passion and desire are necessarily mindful experiences…they are of the moment…and if you introduce monetary compensation into the mix you also introduce expectation…and expectation seems antithesis to desire.

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So do I think of those who choose sex-work as a career as “low”?

(that includes myself)

No.

But, I do think that by choosing such work, they/you/we have to work harder to isolate and identify experiential passion in our personal life. I think that’s the rub whenever you make something extremely personal public, you tilt your world…which requires a new perspective…So perhaps what I have is a tremendous amount of respect for those who have chosen the sex industry as a career because in truth they must work harder than anyone to attain something many take for granted:

Sexual connection.

Now let me qualify, I am under no pretense that we only have sex when we are in love, rather I am saying that when you introduce multiple expectations (cameras, money, a crew, a script) you take away the “moment” –and that moment, that even the most casual sex has, represents a real connection (no matter how short). I speak from some experience, I made porn with someone I was in a relationship with and loved the process of it all; however, it was nearly impossible to truly be in the moment with my partner (someone I loved)…I can’t imagine trying to do so with someone I didn’t even know.

Again, I don’t see sex-work as “low”…I understand the work as difficult, because it places one of our most sacred acts as humans on display in what I think we can all agree is neither realistic nor (nor completely) satisfying and requires that those involved somehow then “real” passion in their personal sex life and relationships.

Difficult, but not impossible…because I am under the impression, belief really, that love will conquer all. Yeah…it’s a nice thought for a Friday! xxx dr.c.

Thrilling Thursday: Get Wild, Not WET (Adult Sex Product Review)

Truth be told…we all get WET…ladies.

And that fact is both a blessing and a curse, if you will…making sex deliciously slippery AND making it a damn big mess…and depending on how often you are engaging in sex (with yourself and/or another/others) you are washing your sheets A LOT if you tend of the WETTER side of the lubrication continuum.

For me extreme wetness is a frequent reality, one that I have alternately been accepting of and slightly embarassed by for most of my adult life, “Why?” you ask. Well, without going into details, it’s MESSY and truth be told…in the end…someone ALWAYS has to sleep in the wet spot…unless you huddle to the edge of the bed and risk a fall!

So when a friend sent me information about “No More Wet Spot” I was intrigued.

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www.nomorewetspot.com

“Now, No One has to sleep on the wet spot!

After years of arguing over who gets the “WetSpot” after sex we decided to do something about it. We’ve come up with this 100% Polyester waterproof blanket that is made with a “cool dry” fleece. It is specifically designed to catch fluids from sex and lube. The 50” X 60” size makes it a great fit for any surface, be it bed, couch, chair, backseat of the car or anywhere else your sex adventure takes you. It’s not bulky and can sit anywhere inconspicuously, cleverly disguised as a throw blanket. The unique bonding process brings together a soft luxurious feel with rugged durability and easy wash ability. The waterproof barrier between the two layers keep you away from your surfaces and your surfaces dry as you play, and once you’ve had your fun, just throw it in the wash and put it away till next time.”

Essentially the product works similarly to those snazzy UnderArmor or Nike running garments that wick water away from your skin surface and keep you dry during long runs. They work. And so, while I haven’t tried this particular product, there is no reason to think that the same logic wouldn’t apply.

Color me EXXXCITED…because now:

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If any of you have tested this product please feel free to comment I would love to know what you think…sure beats using a towel!

xxx

Conchita.

Do Women NEED to Cum?

Oh, women and our orgasms…perhaps, one of the most over-strived-for and under-appreciated experiences in our lives…males, female, self, other…WE WOMEN WANT TO CUM! But here is the real question:

Do we NEED to cum?

Yesterday I wrote a post about masturbation as an exercise in mindfulness, which really got me thinking about…well, about cumming. Later that day I came upon (you know it’s punny) a quote by the vivacious and voracious Mae West:

“An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.”

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I posted this quote on Facebook as I often post semi-provocative sentiments to see what sparks people and in this case the ladies were indeed sparked (the exchange follows below). While there were the expected comments about how and when to cum, there was an interesting split between the psychological benefits of orgasm versus the physiological, which got me thinking…I don’t even have to look to know there is a plethora of scientific research our there providing evidence as to the mental and physical health benefits of orgasms, just like I don’t need to look in a stats book to know that statistics are incorrect 40% of the time. So, rather than bore you with numbers from studies that have a clear agendas,  I thought I would speak from personal experience…(you all tend to prefer that anyway).

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As I have previously discussed, for me orgasms from masturbation represent a form of release that leads to an increased level of focus; they are simple to achieve and result in the release of tension, serotonin kicks-in and chills me out so that I may continue to write/work/think etc. The psychological benefit is clear. However the physiological benefit is less evident, granted I am sure that mechanisms of action are occurring beneath my level of consciousness (I am somehow increasing my lifespan by orgasming), but my immediate impression is often: I am a bit raw, and messy, and my muscles feel stiff…I honestly don’t feel that stellar, body-wise.

Whereas, if I orgasm from SEX…the experience seems to be reversed.

Typically, as we know, sex takes a bit more precursor than masturbation (not always, but at least a little forethought is needed)…and that requires some form of psychological application: feelings, thoughts, considerations…it’s not just you, after all. And all of these expectations can, and often do, create tension:

“Am I cumming? Are you cumming? are we cumming…together?”

However, if the psychological benefits of sex lag behind the immediate gratification of masturbation, then the physiological payoff is much…bigger! Unlike the sore messy state that masturbating so often leaves me in, sex has the benefit of simultaneously exhausting and relaxing every muscle in my body. Maybe it’s the flood of adrenalin or dopamine or whatever, acting as natural pain killers, but after sex I physically feel NOTHING. Yes yes, so maybe I’m a little sore but by then I’ve passed-out asleep so it doesn’t really matter…and sleep…well I can just about guarantee I will not wake up until the morning, that is unless you wake me up.

Perhaps, sex is a case of physical satisfaction and benefit leading to the psychological: “I simply no longer care…about anything!”

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And so here we are full circle,

Do women need to cum?

And my answer, as a learned clinician is: Yes…often and in every way possible in order to ensure our psychological and physical health.

xxx Dr. Conchita.

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The Nymphobrainiac’s Dance…Cum Dance with Me.

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I remember when I was in graduate school, and this double-life or dialectic-life of mine began to develop; many acquaintances (and friends even) were shocked by my apparently illogical life-choices:

“Wait you are studying to be a doctor, and you are_____ (insert any of the following: doing porn, a dominatrix, at a sex party, performing nude burlesque, throwing a sex party, nude modeling, writing this blog)?”

At the time, it felt as if the message was loud and clear:

Two unrelated concepts cannot coexist; rather these concepts, the intellectual and the sexual or erotic, are contraindicative—one works against the other.

Not only do I (now, older and wiser) heartily disagree, but also I would counter with,

I could not have one without the other.

Sex and mind are so inextricably intertwined for me that they are more than simply parallel concepts they are co-dependant. Or maybe that’s not an apt term, there is such a negative connotation attached to co-dependence today, perhaps symbiotic is a better description…one feeds the other.

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I could not explore, express, or evolve sexually without also being mindfully connected to that experience; nor could I develop, achieve, or grow in my intellectual pursuits without the drive and energy of the erotic process.

There is no sex without mind.

I first understood this relationship at a fairly young age…around the age of 11 or 12, when I started to masturbate to the 70’s erotica rooted out of our massive home library…or to steal and consume my father’s (hidden) Playboy magazines:

Exploring the sexual calmed me; it brought me to center and allowed me to focus on mind.

In high school, when I was working on a paper…writer’s block? Masturbating cured it. Too tired to finish? Well “finishing myself-off” always seemed to re-energize.

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Yes, I understand perfectly well that some might characterize this behavior as deviant and as an unhealthy reliance on a socially unacceptable method of mindfulness (yes that’s right, I just compared masturbation to meditation!), but I would disagree. In no way has my work ever been impacted negatively by these mind-sex collaborative efforts; in fact, I would say that this process of self-understanding and self-regulation has only improved my productivity. Truth be told, I still employ this method today when working on a frustrating project, and it continued to work just as well!

I believe that there is something valuable in attending to and developing seemingly variant aspects of our psyches…it is the true dialectic of life; all of these disparate concepts eventually have to mesh in order to reach some kind of equilibrium (or peace), don’t they?

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Certainly these are the thoughts and ideas behind what I playfully term: the nymphobrainiac:

It is a life of balance, a life that doesn’t mindlessly exclude or include, rather one that strives to explore all aspects of curiosity and desire, no matter what the origin…where one experience or thought feeds the next…no matter how seemingly atypical or abnormal those combinations may seem…it is LIVING a truly INTEGRATED LIFE.

Today I wrote about my dance, the one whose steps are tricky and require as much grace as they do strength and endurance…perhaps you will be encouraged to master your own dance…so that we may one day…dance together…

xxx conchita.

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Why I AM (Unapologetically) a Whore

She’s now the darling strumpet of the crowd,

Forgets her state, and talks to them aloud,

Lay by her greatness and descents to prate

With those ‘bove whom she rais’d by wond’rous

Fate.

From “A Panegyrick Upon Nelly”

Anonymous, 1681

I recently started, and have nearly finished, reading, The Darling Strumpet: A Novel of Nell Gwynn, Who Captured the Heart of England and Kind Charles II, by Gillian Bagwell (2011), a historical fact-based fiction novel, set in 17th century London. It’s the true story of an oyster-seller, turned child-prostitute, turned stage actress, and in her final metamorphosis…arguably, the century’s most famous courtesan.

I am consuming this book (at a rapid pace), which caused a moment of self-reflection.

Give me the true story of a whore…made good (as in this work), or not (I am thinking of Emma Donogue’s touchingly raw, Slammerskin), and I am engrossed, mesmerized, and slightly aroused from…beginning to end.

Why?

Undoubtedly there have been times in my life where I felt like a whore. Not in the sense of being sexually promiscuous, rather I felt like a prostitute…being paid for intimacy—not necessarily sex, although these situations were always of a sexual nature.

A few times, when I was younger, I was paid to do a photo shoot (erotic) while a man paid to either watched or be included. Very often these involved nudity and touching, and sometimes the man would masturbate himself…or not. I was in school and needed the money, and thought, “It’s not like I’m having sex with them!”

But the feeling afterward, suggested something disparate…

SHAME.

Then (and now) I fought against that feeling of shame, which is why I never stopped repeating these interludes, again and again…over the course of my adult life…

At sex parties, as a hostess.

Working in the dungeon, as a dominatrix.

Even when I didn’t “need the money”…the desire compelled me to continue.

I enjoyed it.

I ENJOY IT.

A natural performer, an easy tease, and born hostess…I get-off, giving myself to another purely for pleasure.

I am a true prostitute.

A WHORE.

Setting the obvious socio-political differences between myself and someone who earns their living from prostitution aside, pleasing others for money adds to the emotional impact of the experience.

The understanding that my pay is contingent upon my performance…drives me.

It doesn’t make the feeling behind the act any less…rather it intensifies it…you, a stranger, are showing me that you value my time…my skill…my ability to bring you pleasure.

This tension, this agreement, is the reason I love to pay for lap dances in strip clubs…as the client, it secures my “hold” on her…it is power…hers or mine? It’s never clear who truly has the power in these exchanges of sexual gratification, only that this particular dynamic adds to the excitement.

And therein, in that moment of tension, is also where I believe the SHAME resides:

I enjoy this exchange, yet I know it’s wrong…which in turn makes it me wrong for wanting it…and therefore makes it all

SO VERY RIGHT!

It is the oldest profession, is it not?

And its dialectic continues to compel me…

Happy Whoring!

xxx, c.

(image by: Michelle Wild Photography)

My (Public) Sex Life

“My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror”

William Somerset Maugham

As I have mentioned previously, I get a lot of support both in terms of the lifestyle choices I have made, as well as for the way in which I have chosen to express those choices to a larger audience through social media, blogging, erotic events, etc. However, there is ever a darkness to every light, and I also have endured more than a little resistance (at best) and hate (at worst) in reaction to these life choices.

So why do I do it?

Why do I choose to put my personal and intimate life “out there”?

Why have a risked career security? Lost friends? Alienated family? Angered supervisors? Enraged strangers? Sacrificed romantic relationships? Incited violence upon my self? Simply to: talk about my sex life…?

Well, I suppose it’s because…I am not really simply “talking about my sexual life,” am I.

My hope has always been, whether I am throwing an event, participating in an erotic project, or writing a personal narrative, to:

Give voice to SEX positive.

Sex, in as many facets as I can…to delve in some of the places that we all too often shy away from…the pain, the complications, the joy, the fear, the excitement, the beauty, the horror…with the intent to remove the stigma attached to SEX. To engender and inspire exploration of what might have felt untouchable, indescribable, and unacceptable before. It sounds like a lofty aspiration. It is. And I am under no delusions that I might accomplish even a fraction of it. But, when a friend says…

“Thank you, for being you…it’s helped me find ME.”

or when one stranger connects to one blog entry, one party, ONE IMAGE and is moved to accept or explore something in their sexual life.

Then…it’s worth it. ALL the losses are worth it. I love my (public) sex life…because you are a part of it…and, I wouldn’t give that up for anything!

xxx conchita.

Sex Toy Tuesday: Having a ball with the ball-gag!

This weekend I finally got  gagged!

I know some of you may have been waiting for the opportunity for while (haha)  but it was the beautiful goddess Mistress Kat Fortra (www.fortradvd.com) who had the honor during our performance for Chriss Vargas PeepShow 3 at the infamous Pacha NYC!

Yes, that is video from the performance above and an image below…and yes I with go into the experience in further detail, but back to the Sex-Toy tuesday task at hand!

It had be awhile since I had been subjected to a ball gag…having used one more than a couple times in my work as a domina, and before that as a model for an “adult-toy” website, and I recalled it as a slobbery and humorous if humiliating experience on the whole. BUT…here I was with a brand new toy…a show to do and like 6 attachments for my shiny new black ball gag! Time to woman-up and use it damnit!

And so I did (as the footage attests).

this ball gag was a bit different than others I had both employed and enjoyed. It had a ring around the rim so that you could hold onto it with your teeth without drooling like a mad-dog…this was an asset as it may have been bad if I flung spittle all over the Pacha crowd…although they might have liked it…those sick fucks. Anyway, that was a nice adjustment to the gag, also the face strap was wide and secure serving as a platform for all manner of butting and straining I might want to do (AND DID) with the attachments which included:

1. A leash…LOVE!

2. A duster

3. A brush

4. An ashtray

6. And…my personal fav’…A LARG BLACK DILDO!

We chose to use numbers one and six…and I think the crowd enjoyed the show…I def revelled in playing with them on…with one exception:

I CAN BARELY MOVE MY NECK THREE DAYS LATER!

Ah…but such is the price of a REALLY GREAT SEX-TOY…and well worth it, if I do say so myself!

Happy Sex-Toy Tuesday!!! xxx c