I remember when I was in graduate school, and this double-life or dialectic-life of mine began to develop; many acquaintances (and friends even) were shocked by my apparently illogical life-choices:
“Wait you are studying to be a doctor, and you are_____ (insert any of the following: doing porn, a dominatrix, at a sex party, performing nude burlesque, throwing a sex party, nude modeling, writing this blog)?”
At the time, it felt as if the message was loud and clear:
Two unrelated concepts cannot coexist; rather these concepts, the intellectual and the sexual or erotic, are contraindicative—one works against the other.
Not only do I (now, older and wiser) heartily disagree, but also I would counter with,
I could not have one without the other.
Sex and mind are so inextricably intertwined for me that they are more than simply parallel concepts they are co-dependant. Or maybe that’s not an apt term, there is such a negative connotation attached to co-dependence today, perhaps symbiotic is a better description…one feeds the other.
I could not explore, express, or evolve sexually without also being mindfully connected to that experience; nor could I develop, achieve, or grow in my intellectual pursuits without the drive and energy of the erotic process.
There is no sex without mind.
I first understood this relationship at a fairly young age…around the age of 11 or 12, when I started to masturbate to the 70’s erotica rooted out of our massive home library…or to steal and consume my father’s (hidden) Playboy magazines:
Exploring the sexual calmed me; it brought me to center and allowed me to focus on mind.
In high school, when I was working on a paper…writer’s block? Masturbating cured it. Too tired to finish? Well “finishing myself-off” always seemed to re-energize.
Yes, I understand perfectly well that some might characterize this behavior as deviant and as an unhealthy reliance on a socially unacceptable method of mindfulness (yes that’s right, I just compared masturbation to meditation!), but I would disagree. In no way has my work ever been impacted negatively by these mind-sex collaborative efforts; in fact, I would say that this process of self-understanding and self-regulation has only improved my productivity. Truth be told, I still employ this method today when working on a frustrating project, and it continued to work just as well!
I believe that there is something valuable in attending to and developing seemingly variant aspects of our psyches…it is the true dialectic of life; all of these disparate concepts eventually have to mesh in order to reach some kind of equilibrium (or peace), don’t they?
Certainly these are the thoughts and ideas behind what I playfully term: the nymphobrainiac:
It is a life of balance, a life that doesn’t mindlessly exclude or include, rather one that strives to explore all aspects of curiosity and desire, no matter what the origin…where one experience or thought feeds the next…no matter how seemingly atypical or abnormal those combinations may seem…it is LIVING a truly INTEGRATED LIFE.
Today I wrote about my dance, the one whose steps are tricky and require as much grace as they do strength and endurance…perhaps you will be encouraged to master your own dance…so that we may one day…dance together…