Fantasy…sometimes it’s never meant to be a reality.

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Sexual Fantasy and Reality have often merged in my life…or maybe criss-crossed is more accurate. In my experience when fantasy-made-real mirrors the landscape of my actually reality, it truly lives up to expectations; however, when the realization of fantasy skips too many reality-boundaries…it leaves me…disappointed. And not for the reasons you assume…

A Realized sexual fantasy leaves me disappointed because, now…it can no longer be a fantasy again…it must necessarily be retired from fantasy-rotation to become…just…a fading memory.

Strange…maybe. But, maybe not.

Making fantasies into actuality is complicated business. Fantasies are necessarily fluid, they float across our consciousness with unlimited options for malleability..not so, in real life. Real life is tethered to another’s (or multiple others) desires/wants/feeling/expectations…your fantasies are all yours.

Some welcome that unknowability. I think it allows for too many unintentional complications. It’s a fantasy. It’s simple. It’s deviant. It’s downright disgusting! And…maybe…Sometimes, it’s best to…Keep it that way!

I will never forgive myself for making the fantasy of a threesome, reality…not because I feel guilty…or because it was a bad experience…neither apply…rather…because…I can NEVER have that fantasy, again.

May all your fantasies…cross the barrier into reality…and back…again, xxx Dr. NB.

(image by exphoria inc. for nudephotobasics.com)

Welcome to Modern-Day SwingLife…or Not: When Social Media & Private Sex Lives Collide

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I have been more or less a part of the alt-erotic party scene, and the swinger/lifestyle nightlife scene specifically, for the past 10 years; during that time I have witnessed a complete shift in attitude and acceptance regarding what is considered “normal sexual behavior”. This change has been so complete in fact that the swinger/lifestyle-scene, at least in the traditional sense, has been rendered almost non-existent.

Now before you jump all over me, I think the more explicit events (e.g. private, where actual sex occurs as part and parcel of the experience) will continue to exist albeit underground (where I am sure those who indulge in such decadence prefer it).  No, here I am referring to the parties that gained popularity around 2000 or so, those offering, “swinging light” if you will. These events were held in public venues, semi-private affairs that catered to those:

“Wishing to explore sexuality with their (heretofore) monogamous partner.”

I should add here that attendees were most typically straight couples.

I stumbled upon these events in my late 20’s, always a part of the nightlife scene, they seemed a natural extension and a means to explore what was becoming a very pressing urge to explore my own (bi)sexuality and what, at the time, were considered more deviant expressions of that sexuality (polyamory, exhibitionism/voyeurism, BDSM, pornography, eroticism). These parties were, to my limited knowledge, my only option for such exploration.

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And explore I did, I have been: guest, promoter, host, and performer at one time or another throughout the last decade at some of the most of the established “erotic parties” in NYC. And for the most part I can report a positive experience…if not particularly satisfying, as I quickly learned my desires weren’t particularly aligned with any of these mainstream sub-groups (an oxymoron I realize, but apt one). I was not a swinger, a don, or a sub…I was somewhere in between all of these “labels”, which at the time wasn’t readily accepted; however, I think much of that has changed. Actually, I think EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED.

BUT HOW…WHY?

I didn’t notice until I took some time off from the nightlife scene to focus on my career, maybe a year. When I returned to nightlife, I began also promoting in mainstream (“vanilla”) clubs, upon their request, on regular club nights. In the beginning we would be the most outrageous bunch in the club. The “we” mostly being those who like me were comfortable with exploring and expressing their sexuality in the nightlife scene but perhaps not comfortable with any of the established alternative “labeled” events (e.g. swinger, etc.). During the five years or so that I worked for both alt/sex parties and “vanilla” parties…things definitely shifted…most notably, previously unacceptable behaviors became acceptable and even common in these “vanilla” parties…behaviors like:

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Expressed bisexuality, homosexuality, polyamory

  • You no longer only saw just the “straights” making-out…now it was same-sex, group-sex, the more the merrier!

Partial nudity

  • I can remember the day when Pastease (brand pasties) would have never been allowed in mainstream clubs, they are now considered a viable outfit-option; not to mention, burlesque is performed and promoted at all the top notch venues!

Alternative sexual practices

  • “S&M” themed parties have become the norm…and while they don’t offer perhaps the depth that a “real” BDSM event would, they are by no means tame!

And finally…something else changed, something that I think provides a clue as to the motivation for all of the aforementioned changes:

Photos of all of the above…shared, across social media.

  • Ten years ago, cameras were even allowed at these events, such was the stigma associated with those who attended them. At the very best, maybe the promoter would allow you to post photos on MySpace…WITH HER FACE BLURRED OUT.

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You only have to peruse the social/entertainment/news media to see that as a culture we are moving toward a less conservative (sexually), albeit more exploitative (see social media), world. And this shift (I believe) is responsible for the move from sexual expression as private to expression as public. In other words, this observed change described here isn’t about us “as a culture” becoming more open and accepting, it’s really about becoming more exhibitionistic in reaction to our recently adapted “need” to over-share our lives through social media and by extension to indulge in others’ lives through that vehicle…lives that were, before MySpace and Facebook, largely private.

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This is a case where the end doesn’t directly correlate to the means…however, I will take it…the “end” (being more sexual freedom of expression) is pretty sweet.

Xxx

Dr.c.

Answering 5 Questions About Sexuality…

1. Who are you as a sexual person? This description might include labels regarding orientation, gender, or preferred behaviours, or it may not.

As a sexual person, generally I would describe myself as passionate and loving, which may be surprising. I never defined myself as bisexual until recently when it seemed like the politically correct thing to do, but have ALWAYS been attracted to both genders equally. Overall, I would say I understand myseld as someone with a playful attitude about sex and very few hangups concerning myself and/or others…AND it took me a LONG time to get to “this place”.

2. What was one of the first things you thought was sexy or an early moment you were aware of feeling sexy?

I always thought reading was sexy, meaning I found sexual pleasure through reading probably as soon as I could read (8 or 9?) I was consuming all of my mother’s romance novels; tucked away into a corner of her library! As for what I first though was sexy? Clothing…the drape of a neckline, the turn of an ankle in a high heel, the way a man’s shirt collar forms to his neck…odd, but at the age of 9 or so my exposure to sexy things was limited!

3. What is a sexual fantasy or experience you have yet to fulfill?

Great question. In the moment (this will change i am sure), I would love to experience full submission to a lover. I am told at times I am too much in control, which I accept, I would like to surrender…it doesn’t need to be in a BDSM scenario although that would be a plus!

4. How open are you about your sex life and/or your sexual identities?

Extremely open, some would say too much so, but I made the conscious decision to be open, to share so that others may feel like marginalized by their own desires…which is why I have my blog, throw sexually-themed events, etc.

5. What question would help us best understand what is important to you about your sexuality?

What makes you feel wanted, sexually? Shall I answer it as well…?

**THE 5 QUESTIONS ARE ADDED IN THE COMMENT SECTION IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO ANSWER THEM**

Lessons From The Dungeon: #1 “You have to be weak, before you’re strong”

It has been about a year since I worked in the dungeon.

My experiences were, truly magnificent,

And freakish,

And enduring,

And…disgusting.

Time spent, now representing a collection of moments that at once were both exhilarating and anti-climactic.

I have wanted to write about these moments for quite awhile.

But, something stopped me.

Rather some things stopped me.

One, I wasn’t sure about my ability to fully process my experiences in a mindful manner…understanding the complex emotions of dominant and submissive.

Two, I wasn’t sure what I THOUGHT exactly OF my experiences.

Three, I felt protective.

I felt, and still feel, protective of my fellow dominas (with whom I developed a feeling of real sisterhood), and my clients (who trusted me to handle their bodies with force, and their shame with respect and empathy).

However, time has passed and I want to write.

My desire is to process my experience through my blog, while remaining in the context of “the other”…to detail the reality of this limited, yet impactful, relationship between the “hired” dominatrix and her client.

I would be untruthful if I said I wasn’t afraid…of both my reactions (“I cannot believe I did that?”) and the reactions of others (“You did that?). But life, when it is truly lived, is about confronting and dancing with our fears…is it not?

I hope you like to dance…

THINGS THE DUNGEON TAUGHT ME

LESSON 1.

We had a uniform at the dungeon. All black leather bikini with garter belt and seamed black stockings with black pumps. This was deemed the epitome of what every client would want form his or her domina.

I hated it.

In the same way I dislike any “rule” that represses my ability to express my fashion sense. I mean BDSM offers a myriad of dress-up opportunities. However, I soon learned the benefits of the (hated) uniform.

One day, a client requested latex.

We were typically told about a client’s “special desires” prior to our appointment, as such:

(in the clippy Czech accent of the dungeon’s mistress)

“Mistress Charly! Please come here! Today you will have Dave. He likes latex. You will need to wear latex. He also likes cock and ball torture and light bondage. That’s it. Oh and just spank his ass a little bit…not too much, or he’ll get bitchy.”

I skipped to my locker thrilled for my first chance to don my tremendously pricey, $800 plus, custom-fit latex outfit…for Dave. Well, really it was all about me. I failed to calculate the…less fashionable, more function, aspects of latex…

The session started as usual with introductions, price negotiation, and a discussion of desires and limitations.

I was ready to go, and so was Dave.

Dave had requested the largest room in the dungeon, with the worst ventilation. The room had a door to the outside, however when this door was shut (as Dave requested for our session) the temperature in the room ranged from muggy to jungle-hot.

I began the session…with spread eagle bondage rigging across the large leather table.

However, very soon something else became very clear:

the tenuous and often oscillating relationship between dominatrix and submissive in a dungeon environment.

Straddling my client’s body as I taunted and teased with all manner of “non-demeaning insults” (at his request).

“Look at you, all tied up! Helpless…defenseless…I…can…do…ANYTHING I WANT!”

But, Dave was a seasoned sub’ and he had chosen well.

DRIP.

DRIP.

DRIP.

Went the perspiration…pouring…from my sexy latex…and onto Dave…quickly turning my dramatic rope staging into a sweaty, slippery mess.

And faster than you can say, “slip and slide,”

I lost my grip and fell, star-fish style…right on top of Dave.

To his great delight, I might add.

The “accident”  was followed quickly by a satiated sigh of,

“Oh Mistress, you spoil me too much with your delicious sweat!”

And just like that, I realized who was really in control of the situation.

Later I learned this was a scene orchestrated again and again on “new girls”; a scene with a predictable outcome:

The dominatrix being placed at the pleasure of the submissive, in a way that was quite out of her control.

I wiped up the table and proceeded with the session…making sure I was extra rough when I slapped his cock and balls with the whip and withholding of any further accommodating behavior on my part…still I couldn’t help thinking:

“He’s gotten everything he wants already, and here I am feeling disgusted, dirty and inept.”

And so goes one of my first lessons from the dungeon:

Submission is the only pathway to true dominance.

I could have considered this interaction a failure on my part. I had entered the session feeling in control and confident concerning my skills as a competent dominatrix, and left the session feeling embarrassed and resembling a wet-cat.

Except I also left with a healthy respect for the skills of a seasoned submissive, who grasped the nuances of power and was unafraid to playfully volley that dynamic in the safety of a shared intimate experience.

If I failed at all, it was in my inability to adopt his same acceptance of the multi-faceted nature of power.

It was an important lesson…not only applicable in the dungeon, in life.

How many times have you faced opportunities that require both competence and the ability to integrate powerlessness?

At work, in school, in relationships…in virtually every aspect of our lives that provides an opportunity for growth, asks this of us:

to be strong and to be weak…it’s just how gracefully we accept that dialectic, that determines how we move forward.

Good times, it’s nice to revisit such a vibrant part of my past, Thank you… xxx c.