Jealousy: The Proverbial ‘Elephant in the Room’ for Many Alternative Relationships

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Jealousy is a natural human emotion.

It can be both a blessing and a curse…strengthening or destroying, our love relationships.

I think of jealousy as more of a “signal”…telling us when our boundaries have been crossed and when we need to check our own insecurities.

For those of us in alternative or polyamorous relationships, jealousy can (if not fully accepted and explored) become a dangerous and ultimately damaging force.

EDStevenStahlbergJealousy1024

Recently, I stumbled across a new book, “The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships,” by Kathy Labriola (Greenery Press, 2013) that thoughtfully deals with just this issue:

A counselor and nurse specializing in polyamorous singles, couples and groupings, Kathy Labriola has spent many years helping people to understand and manage their jealousy. This book is a compendium of the techniques and exercises she has developed, as well as tips and insights from the polyamory community’s top educators, therapists and authors. These accessible, simple techniques are designed to be easily implemented in the event of an intense jealousy crisis. They are even more useful if undertaken over a period of time before a jealousy crisis happens, to build a skill set that will be at hand to help managing jealousy when and if it does occur. (Available on Amazon)

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Reviews of the book are overwhelmingly positive:

Based on her work with the clients she has seen, it is by necessity focused on people with the problems that come with jealousy. This is only a subset of folks in open relationships, some of whom do not have the kind of problems she deals with. However, if you or your partner(s) are experiencing jealousy, this book is full of good exercises to help you through your rough spots. There are nineteen sections, containing forty-two specific exercises with well laid out instructions and examples from people who are experiencing the kind of problems you might be experiencing. (www.ejhs.org)

This book knocked me out! An essential resource on how to resolve jealousy in polyamorous relationships, and open-minded others. An excellent tool for finding answers that can lead to peaceful hearts and an abundance of love and connection. (Anita Wagner Illig, PracticalPolyamory.com)

For anyone struggling with relationship jealousy or insecurity, and especially for people with multiple loves… will guide you through the labyrinth of jealousy and bring you safely out to your widest possible selection of lifestyle choices. (Dossie Easton, MFT, co-author, The Ethical Slut)

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Given the tumult that jealousy can and will evoke if not honestly and compassionately dealt with, I think that this workbook is potentially an essential tool for anyone in open an relationship…relationships they wish to maintain as healthy, happy, and…MUTUALLY (for ALL parties) SATISFYING.

Love…sex…relationships…are never easy, and the more partners we include the more complex negotiating balance can become, but alternative relationships can also be very satisfying…it all depends (honestly) on how hard your willing to work, together.

xxx

dr.c.

The Scent of a Lover

Last night I watched a darkly beautiful, and at times disturbing period film, “Perfume: The Story of a Murderer,” (2006)

And found the film brought up a few thoughts on the subject of smell, and how we have become a modern-day society that tries our hardest to erase what is our “natural scent.”

We deodorize, we perfume, we clip and shave hair, we oil, and we powder.

To be honest I engage in these beauty rituals, as well because I too, “don’t want to stink,” rather I want to, “smell good.”

It’s our culture, a culture of the overly groomed.

But I fear something essential has been lost in that behavior.

Have you ever smelled your lover early in the morning?

Before they’ve risen; put your nose right to the center of their chest, closed your eyes, and inhaled their fragrance.

I have.

It smells like nothing known. It smells like, THEM.

A person’s scent is as unique as their genetic code, their personality,

A person’s soul can be found in their smell.”

– The Perfume.

I breath you in and immediately smell fresh0cut wood,

an undertone of earthen, and the piquant sweetness of  your sweat

…It is DEEP…

It makes me feel closer to you,

as if through your scent I know all that is you,

your essence, your heart.

I remember paging through my parent’s, “The Joy of Sex,” when I was far too young to be reading anything of the such, maybe 10 or 11. And I came to a chapter addressing the senses: sight, touch, taste, hearing…it read that the most potent of the senses, when it came to sex, is:

the OLFACTORY, smell.

From a small child I LOVED smells, particularly bodily-smells…good and bad, I didn’t differentiate, as long as it was, well SMELLY! I often sniffed all parts of my body noticing the small differences in each limb…I inhaled deeply my mother’s scent…powder, perfume, an acrid sweeter smell that was her own….I loved that one the most. Her essence.

As I continued the chapter in, “The Joy of Sex,” the authors revealed that hair on the body had the distinct purpose of “trapping” ones own intimate fragrance, and when a lover inhaled your unique smell…their sexual responsiveness was immediately heightened.

Although the book was written in the 70’s and today’s body-trends dictate a hairless or excessively trimmed genital region, I still seek my lover’s scent…all over.

More often than not, when I am making love…I find myself inhaling:

Their scent, on my scent, on our scent.

It smells delicious…like desire, like passion, and sometimes…if you’re with the right personit smells like LOVE.

So, inhale deeply my friends…there is a smell for each and everyone one of us…even if it’s our own.

Xxx

c.

Wet Wednesday (II): So COOL, it’s HOT!

Welcome to the second installment of Wet Wednesdays, your guide to the best of the best products for “adult” consumption (aka, adult toys). Hosted by our favorite adult toy retailer, Katerina’s Closet!

This week we are looking at lube. Now we have all had good and bad experiences with lube I am sure, remember that time it was so slick you just couldn’t “stay put” or that other time “sticky sweet” had an entirely different connotation? Well, I certainly do, yet I still feel there is a definite place for lube in our sex lives, you simply need the right lube for the “job”!

Today, I will be focusing on a specific COOLING lube, Jo Agape Women Cool.

Jo Agape Women Cool 4oz

Available at Katerina’s Closet

ITEM DETAILS
PRICE: $18.79
Description:
AGAPE Women Cooling Lubricant is uniquely formulated for women with sensitive bodies and contains no glycerin or oil, with the added tingling sensation to arouse and heighten the sensual experience. JO AGAPE has the same silky feel and qualities of other JO lubricants but is specifically developed for women’s sensual needs. It’s silky smooth, never sticky or tacky.

I know most of you have heard of warming lubes, but perhaps not all of you even knew that COOLING lubes existed, or even WHY you might want them. Well, as your sex-toy guru, I have (some of) the answers!

COOLING LUBES are great for anal sex.

Okay, calm down…I know what you are thinking,

“But anal is such a chore!”

NO MORE!

(see I can rhyme, too!)

Note: I actually wrote a post about some great techniques for making anal easier previously (read ANAL POST HERE). So, you need never FEAR, we aim to please…HERE (another rhyme, I am seriously on a roll).

Butt (punny), back to the product at hand:

Cooling lubes such as this are excellent for anal because one of the most challenging aspects of anal, no matter what position you choose, is the burning sensation. Non-sticky silicone lubes like Jo work to coat and stay-put without becoming overly tacky.

One caution I would add is, a little bit goes a very long way; this also addresses the price issue. I know $19 for a bottle of lube sounds like a bit much, but seriously I have a 2oz bottle (half the size of the one above), it’s a year later, and still a quarter of the bottle remains…and yes, I DO use it…often.

(Ahem.)

Which brings me to diversity. COOLING can also be interpreted by our tender parts as: TINGLING!

Therefore, this lube also makes excellent fun for use with vibes and dildos, creating that opposite effect: when you get SO HEATED UP…that ICEY-COLD feels like…AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Let’s just say, opposites attract!

With that, go forth…and enjoy a little COOL in your HOT nights,

xxx, conchita.


Wet Wednesdays I: My Day 2 Share a NEW Pleasure – The G-Spot Vibe

In this new incarnation of my previously dubbed Sex Toy Tuesdays, I have decided to return to my “review” of adult toys with a new partner:

Katerina’s Closet is a website that offers adults the chance to explore all of their fantasies through enhancing their sextracurricular activities with certain…aides, shall we say. In working with Katerina’s I will not only be able to offer my readers first hand experience (yes that means I get to test all of the products out) but also pass-on some of the great deals the site has to offer!

And so, without further ado…

Welcome to: WET WEDNESDAYS!!!

For our first adventure, I present to you, the 10 Function Risque G Vibrator Waterproof 5.5 Inch Black (as shown below)

IMMEDIATE REVIEW: I JUST finished trying out this product, the Risque G Vibrator, and I must admit…I am still shaking a bit!

WOWZAS WHAT A VIBRATOR!!

I mean first and foremost I KNOW it’s a special G-spot vibe…but…ummmm…in terms of clitoral stimulation

THIS IS YOUR TOY!

Product Description:
3 popular styles now with 10 functions.Seamless, sleek, and super slim.
10 intense functions of vibration, pulsation, and escalation.
Whisper quiet.
State-of-the-art memory chip resumes last function used.ABS with PU Cote (wand)
ABS with Silver Plating (2 AAA batteries)
5.5″ x .75″/14 cm x 2 cm.

**Price at Katerina’s Closet ONLY: $27.22, now 17% off at $ 22.49!**

Product Review/Test Run:

Quite honestly I didn’t even get the chance to TRY the G-spot “hook” inserted until I recovered from the cyclic orgasms that the 10-speed vibrator illicits! The vibration is VERY strong and the speeds vary in intensity and rhythm, which combine in a titillatingly surprising manner! Not to mention, when you turn it off the memory chip recalls the “orgasm point” from your last use – I knew it was only a matter of time before technology invaded the world of adult toys! INGENIOUS!

As if all this wasn’t enough, the Thin-Mint (yes, I already named mine) is also a G-spot stimulator, and stimulate it does. Yes, I know what you’re saying, “What is all this G-spot business?” I recognize the G-spot isn’t at all that familiar to many and so I have integrated commentary from an additional source (Babeland, NYC) with my own experiences below for your enjoyment:

HOW DO I FIND MY G-SPOT?

It’s not a myth, despite what you may have heard — the G-spot exists, and it loves attention! “G-spot” is the common name for a spot on the front of the vaginal wall through which you can stimulate the urethral sponge, an area of spongy tissue surrounding the urethra. All female-bodied people have a G-spot, but not all respond to G-spot stimulation in the same way.

  1. Find it. The G-spot is about 2 inches inside of the vagina towards the belly, just behind the pubic bone. When women are aroused the tissue becomes thickened and can be felt through the vaginal wall. It creates an intense, distinctive sensation when stimulated. For some women, this feeling is similar to the sensation of needing to urinate; if it makes you feel more comfortable, pee before starting your explorations. And for some, stimulation of the G-spot can make them ejaculate.
  • I have found both of these experiences to be true: I feel like I “must pee,” I experience a female-ejaculation…AND the orgasms are without fail unique and extremely intense.

Turn yourself on. The first step is to get turned on. During arousal, the spongy tissue swells with fluid.

  • This was simple, using the vibe for clitoral stimulation paired with a little fantasy.

Add a finger or toy. Now, insert your finger into your vagina and curve your finger up towards your belly.

  • You will notice that the vibe is hooked, I simply used it to find my “spot”.

Firm strokes. You’ll know when you hit the G-spot by the distinctive sensation it creates. Remember, you aren’t feeling for something on the surface of the vaginal wall; the urethral sponge is behind it, so you’ll need to press. The texture of the G-spot feels somewhat bumpy or crinkly; it’s noticeably different than the smooth walls of the vagina. Press firmly and stroke your fingers towards your palm (move them in a “come hither” way).

  • Again this was accomplished with use of the toy…and it was evident that I had “hit” the G-spot when an increasingly intense feeling of sensation and pressure began.

Experiment. There is no single “right” technique to find the the G-spot. Others really like to have their clitoris stimulated at the same time that their G-spot is stroked. A partner’s fingers stroking the G-spot during cunnilingus can feel simply divine.

  • Once I was really going, I added the bullet for clitoral stimulation.

Ejaculate (or not)! Pressure on the G-Spot or the contractions of orgasm can cause female ejaculation from the urethral sponge through the urethra. This fluid is different from urine and similar to men’s prostatic fluid. Empty your bladder before sex, so you won’t worry about peeing. Ejaculate quantity will probably be less than a teaspoon or two, but sometimes it can be copious. Objects in the vagina may block the urethra, thus preventing ejaculation. Some women ejaculate after the penis, dildo or fingers is removed. While not every woman ejaculates, female ejaculation is not uncommon, and it’s perfectly normal (and can feel great!).

  • Yes, I do this. I did this, just now, copiously! The first time I experienced this phenomenon it was with a partner and the source of a bit of embarrassment until I understood its source. My advice is, “go with it,” this is a natural reaction to intense pleasure and will be an orgasm like no other! We are so very lucky, us women, able to cum multiple times; our orgasms having such variant qualities.

Partners and sexual positions. During partner sex there are some positions that are more conducive for hitting the G-Spot than others. Think geometry. Unless your partner has a curved dildo or penis, it’s the cervix, not the G-spot, that will most likely be stimulated in the standard missionary pose. Doggy-style, or the receptive partner receiving a dildo or penis from behind, puts the G-spot in the bulls-eye a bit better. You can lift your upper body by supporting your hands against a wall or bed, or with the use of “sex furniture” like the Love Bumper, and create a more angled approach to the vagina. Many women find that if they are on top, they can control penetration for better G-spot stimulation.

  • For me, if I am “folded in half” with a sizeable partner, I can easily achieve a G-spot orgasm. Though I will say that at first I had to learn to withstand the intense, almost uncomfortable, pressure that precedes the phenomenal pay-off! I have tried various positions both with a male partner, and with the help of a strap-on with a female partner. The strap-on was a challenge, but I think utilizing this particular vibe would address the geometry issues that were encountered (and I can’t wait to try that theory out). 

This brings my first installment of Wet Wednesdays to a close! Thank you to Katerina’s Closet, please feel free to share any of your adventures with sex toys…share and share alike, I always say!

xxx c.

I just finished the start of a new vampy suspense series by Christopher Buecheler, The Blood That Bonds. I originally picked it up because it was FREE on Nook…still it had solid reviews and since i read at least one or two books a week I thought it was a good gamble…and it was. While the actual technical writing is only fair, the author does a great job of creating characters that you really care about and then creating a backdrop and plotline that send you on an emotional ride…definitely a cliff hanger ending…but if you are in the mood for a quick read with a kick ass main character and a world where vamps abound…give this one a shot! xxx c

A Love Story With Fire (Book Review)

I just finished Diana Gabaldon’s Firefly in Amber and found it a magnificent study of the human heart, of love, sadness…and that powerful force that draws lovers together…destiny? Desire? Magic?

Through this somewhat supernatural jaunt through 18th century Scotland to modern day this dense novel pulls the reader through tribulation and trial, through life and death, through reunion and separation and yet you never lose the sense that all of these forces are simply cyclical choices thrust upon us by life and answered by our will alone..striving for that….for WHO…makes us whole…and yet the realization comes slowly that with every sense of fulfillment a new barrier arrises…and the cycle continues.

Heartbreakingly touching…this is a novel for those who long to explore both sides of love…

I hope you enjoy it as much as I…xxx c