Before You Send that XXX-selfie, Consider THIS…

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I often blog about the fun and kinky aspects around sex and sexual expression/exploration; however, in the wake of more public cases involving a disgruntled ex- posting/exposing on social media a past lover’s nude and compromising photos and video (dubbed “revenge porn”) I wanted to address the more serious side of sex.

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Several states in the US have initiated “revenge porn” policies after the first case of its kind was brought to NY Criminal Court (People vs. Barber)by a woman who alleged that her boyfriend sent pictures of her naked body to her sister and her employer. The ex-boyfriend was arrested and charged with aggravated harassment, dissemination of unlawful surveillance and public display of offensive sexual material. However, the defendant was never charged for his actual crime. “WHY?” You ask, well…currently, New York has no law that specifically proscribes this “revenge porn” conduct. California has introduced such a bill; however, it does NOT include “selfies”…which is a major flaw…Think about how much of what you send your lover, by way of intimate shots is in fact a “selfie”.

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The law, in its current form, therefore does not fully protect its intended victims.

Something to consider…before you hit… “send”…xxx dr.c.

Before You Became “Just Friends”: Self-Deception and The Ex-

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Ever begin a committed relationship with a new someone, who unwaveringly expects your complete acceptance of a recent ex- as “just friends”… wherein past relationship with said ex- was long-term and recent?

If so, did it make you wary when they insisted on the innocence of remaining “best friends”, “most valued confidents”, and “cuddle buddies” with this other?

And…Did you even question your own sanity at questioning this behavior (e.g.,  “Am I crazy or is this weird?”)?

You shouldn’t have.

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I remember once I had a relationship in which my partner indicated that I should be “ok” with his just-friends-now-ex and he occasionally cuddling and sharing a bed when she, “needed” him with the assurance that, “nothing sexual” would happen. My reaction:

Ummmm WHAT?!?! Are you fucking kidding me? NO.

Sex or no sex, THAT is sharing intimacy…which may be ok in certain situations (that we dictate, as a couple), but what’s with the self-deception? The thing is, he knew it (“actions speak louder….”and all that jazz).

WE ALL KNOW IT.

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Let’s be honest, letting go of love, even when it’s bad, is difficult. Because of this we often morph the romantic aspects of intimacy into what we re-term “close friendship”. But the truth is…it takes TIME to re-develop a relationship with a past love. Let me stress, I am not saying it can’t happen…I am saying it takes time and the complete and total acceptance of both parties to:

THE END OF MUTUAL INTIMACY.

I don’t mean being able to say, “we broke up,” or changing your Facebook status, or even moving-out and returning your key. I mean (to reiterate):

THE END OF MUTUAL INTIMACY!

And that acceptance…simply is not…well, SIMPLE.

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I imagine this post is about allowing ourselves to see the ending of a relationship as a process…without kidding ourselves about unconscious wishes…and unfulfilled desires…because it’s DAMN HARD TO LET GO…even when we want to/need to/should let go. And if we can work through that process without dragging a third party through all our “dirt”…well then…I imagine we can call that…a well-done ending, if there ever was such a thing in love…or in life.

Happy weekend lovers, dr.c.

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The Lotus.

The Lotus.

Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation

can that which is indestructible be found in us.

(Pema Chodron)

“Sometimes the one who is running from the Life/Death/Life nature insists on thinking of love as a boon only. Yet love in its fullest form is a series of deaths and rebirths. We let go of one phase, one aspect of love, and enter another. Passion dies and is brought back. Pain is chased away and surfaces another time. To love means to embrace and at the same time to withstand many endings, and many many beginnings- all in the same relationship.”

(Clarissa Pinkola Estes)

The older I get, the more readily I believe in a few truisms:

  1. Life is not easy, happy, or fun…most of the time.
  2. Accept #1 and you will find happiness in moments, that feel like lifetimes.
  3. To love is to die a million deaths and to be reborn..between every beat of your heart.
  4. Never allow fear to dictate your desires.

It’s all about…skulls and pink bows.

xxx dr.c.

Are You a Vagina-Man or a Cunt-Man?

“Black, White, and Sex” (2012) is sometimes provocative and confronting, sometimes tender, poignant and sexy. The film takes you behind the scenes and into a sex worker‘s very special world. There’s a question here for every man and an answer for every woman. Anyone who pays is welcome – but leave your expectations at the door sex is never black and white.

THIS SCENE, specifically introduces an interesting topic:

A WOMAN’S SEX.

And here I use the term as both verb and noun, both an act and part of the female sex-anatomy.

The character in the film clip above explains the difference between vagina-men and cunt-men through the analogy of “wetness”…pronouncing that only a cunt-man can tolerate a woman’s wetness, whereas the vagina-man wishes to immediately rid himself by showering after sex. She goes on to explain that a woman’s wetness can never be simply washed off, because,

“a woman is wet all over, inside and out.”

I love this.

Not only because we all know how hot it is when our lover doesn’t wash immediately after sex, but because this is truly about men who truly love womenall of them…all that is deep and foreign and different from themselves. To me, THAT is a cunt-man…a man who accepts, celebrates, and even indulges in female-sexuality as a unique and integrated aspect of WHO SHE IS. It’s not about her cunt/pussy/vagina/nana/coochie…it’s about her FEMALENESS.

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I for one…could only love a cunt-man.

xxx Dr.C.

Thank you Christian, for this enlightening piece of cinema!

(Image by: shutterbugboudoir.com)

I am so Wet…I Blame it on the Rain!

9weeks_1698185aThe Rain Scene in 9 1/2 weeks is…one of the hottest scenes ever filmed.

(click link below to view scene)

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“Love like rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with a soaking joy. But sometimes under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface and must nourish from below, tending to its roots keeping itself alive.” -Paul Coelho

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“I love you because no two snowflakes are alike, and it is possible, if you stand tippy-toe, to walk between the raindrops.” – Nikki Giovanni

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“Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.” – Roger Miller

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“The only noise now was the rain, pattering softly with the magnificent indifference of nature for the tangled passions of humans.” – Sherwood Smith

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“If people were rain i was a drizzle and she was a hurricane.” – John Green

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“I had gotten so used to the taste of rain that I forgot what the sun tasted like. Bittersweet.” – Anne Patrick

There is just something about the rain…about being wet in general…it’s like slippery sweet sex…(and yes those last two images are me) xxx c.

The Cheat: It’s Not About What You Don’t Feel

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I recently read a blog (re-blogged above) addressing the issue of cheating, without getting into details, the crux was:

Because I don’t feel guilt/disgust/shame, and “should”, I am somehow bad/wrong (“sociopath” is the word that was actually used).

So, considering that the majority of us have both cheated and been cheated-on…is it any wonder that probably more than a few of us have cultivated an apathetic attitude concerning the whole scenario? And if so, why?

I have a few guesses.

One, I think that we live in a society that both accepts and maybe even encourages cheating…it’s become almost a “part” of one’s modern relationship:

We all know not to ask what our significant other is up-to when not with us during those critical first three to four months of a new relationship when we likewise don’t want them to know what we are up to.

I would also add that the rises of alt/poly/swinger/fuck-buddy relationship statuses are simply an adaptation to what is reality:

It’s not cheating if we agree on it.

As someone who has engaged in these alternative-type romantic scenarios, which I would argue are a healthier approach to infidelity than simply turning the other cheek; I have found that honesty is still key to creating and maintaining a love relationship.

I am not saying people won’t ever cheat in alt-relationships, or in fact that I won’t ever cheat…I guess I am saying, accept reality and adapt. If that means alt partnering ok, if that means walking away when you are cheated on great, if it means taking responsibility when you are the cheater all right. Just don’t sink into apathy either because you “should feel bad” and don’t or because you just don’t want to explore the alternative (feeling)…Why? Well because you…him…her…us…we are all better than that.

xxx c.

My Mind to Your Mind

Have you ever cheated on someone before?

 

I suppose this one would have to come up at some point. With the nature of the things I write and the questions about monogamy etc I imagine it was inevitable. So here comes the not so surprising truth.

 

Yes. Yes I have. To be honest my first ever experience was under the surprisingly exhilarating cloud of cheating. I wasn’t the cheater in that case but I was well acquainted with the person being cheated on. I will not say any more that that because this is one truth that could seriously damage a long standing relationship. Suffice to say it was a mistake for me to participate in the event, but we find surprising ways to justify our misdeeds.

 

So yes I have cheated. I suppose the strangest element of the situation was my lack of feeling any remorse…

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Best Relationship Advice. Ever.

As much as I try to avoid gender stereotypes in relationship-advice…there are some things here that ring true when in a straight or gay or even polyamorous union…so MEN & WOMEN, LISTEN UP!

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I have no idea where this originated.  I did not write it, but I think it’s pretty brilliant!  If you know where it originated, please post in the comments below so that we can pay credit where credit is due.  🙂

 

LADIES….listen up. Marriage is not easy. It takes compromise, work, and commitment. And….HOT SEX. Seriously. If you are not curling your man’s toes with some mind blowing, Holy Shit that was awesome, I’m gonna think about that all day tomorrow kinda shit…..SOMEONE ELSE WILL. Eventually….he will get frustrated, and that skank he wanted to hook up with in high school will pop up, or his co worker will start to look hot. Taking care of that stuff is part of the job description in a relationship….and, you should be wanting that, too. MEN….here is your part. Run a vacuum, do the damn dishes, bring home some flowers, listen…

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