Book Review: The Feminist Porn Book

Charly CONCHITA Carlyle:

I am VERY excited to recommend (even before reading) this book…particularly because I made a film with the ever-talented feminist pornographer: Candida Royalle!

Originally posted on Ermilia:

The Feminist Porn Book: The Politics of Producing Pleasure

edited by Tristan Taormino, Constance Penley, Celine Parreñas Shimizu, and Mireille Miller-Young

genre: non-fiction, psychology, sexology, journalism, human sexuality

There were so many great essays in here, but I found some repetitive. Find out why I gave it 4 out of 5 stars!

Summary

(Taken from Goodreads)Feminist-Porn-Book

The Feminist Porn Book brings together for the first time writings by feminists in the adult industry and research by feminist porn scholars. This book investigates not only how feminists understand pornography, but also how feminists do porn—that is, direct, act in, produce, and consume one of the world’s most lucrative and growing industries. With original contributions by Susie Bright, Candida Royalle, Betty Dodson, Nina Hartley, Buck Angel, and more, The Feminist Porn Book updates the debates of the porn wars of the 1980s, which sharply divided the women’s movement, and identifies pornography…

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Is it cheating?!

We seem to be quite clear on what IS cheating…when it comes to physical behavior…but our resolve seems less righteous when technology is involved. Where do you stand on this? Is “harmless” flirting via social media or text (sexting) cheating? What about that emoji kiss? Or that near nude you shared? What would your significant other’s reaction be while scrolling through your dm’s or texts? Would their security be reinforced or sacrificed? Is there such a thing as innocent flirting…particularly if it never comes to fruition? As always, I look forward to your opinions…xxx Dr. NB. 2015/01/img_6262.png

When Round 2 Never…Cums

We’ve all been there…when his intent seems at odds with his perceived prowess.

And to be quite frank…we aren’t that put-off by the whole ordeal…maybe just a little perplexed…as one friend asked, “Is it Me?!”

Short answer (most likely), “No.”

Now, now…before you get all heady (ha, the puns are too easy on this one) this is what I mean:

Honestly it’s never us…or rarely is…men are so often locked in their minds…He was likely overly focused on making you cum (while not cumming himself)…that he lost his focus…pleasure…Once a man gets “in his head” (the other one) take a break..do something else…take the pressure-off, shift the focus…and then…cum together…if you will.

There are two alternatives of course; less empathic and much less easily addressable, however just as valid:

  1. He watches too much porn (masturbates excessively), which can make completing the real deal challenging, and
  2. Viagra.

Whatever the reason…the real question is…will you go for a rain check…a round 3?

Is he…worth the…ummmm…wait?

Dr. NB.

Opening Your Relationship: An Exploratory Dialogue

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A few weeks ago I posted an article (on Facebook) from Huff-Post, “My Husband and I Have an Open Marriage,” detailing one woman’s experience of an open relationship with her husband. While it was certainly promoting pro-poly sentiment, I was left with the palpable feeling of imbalance that seems to mark all alternative relationship configurations. This reflection isn’t meant as a criticism, imbalance is life…rather I mention it as an additional voice to what is a complicated and yet extremely attractive alternative relationship choice.

A close friend chimed in on the topic and I thought I would share our exchange:

Her:

I found the personal insights and article so interesting! I personally cannot wrap my head around how the hell a third person would fit into my marriage. I’m the first to admit that I’d be far to jealous of another woman getting time alone with my husband when we already lack the time we’d like.

Ed and I take great pleasure in dating each other and do every chance we get, to share that little time would make me green. In that same breathe, we’ve enjoyed swinger parties and found them to be so blissful, overwhelming and hot as fuck! We’ve never split off from each other at a party though, we’ve had people watch, people join, I’ve even cleared a room once by squirting. lol I think it put a few people off.

Ed has always said that if something’s worth the trade off, it’s worth it. This article and insights in a way made me feel a little sad. I suppose all relationships do hold us back to a certain extent, but they if they are worth the trade off, we stay in them. For instance, I’d love to get into natural medicine, but have accepted that now is not my season to do so. The trade off of putting our kids in school and being distracted from our business and family to get a degree and a full time job is not worth the trade off – my days with my family are everything to me, it’s my season. By the time our kids are older, I may not have any interest in pursuing a natural medicine career, if I do, I will. To think that I could be holding Ed back, in part makes me sad, though I do believe he would open up if he felt he needed to act upon something he was being held back from. At least I would hope he would.

Regardless of relationship choice, I believe that clear communication of all emotions and desires is key! It’s when we don’t honor our voices that we feel the need to sneak. Even though I don’t speak from experience, I’m assuming that many of these open relationships can’t last forever as our seasons in life and trade off values change in time.

Me:

I share your feelings completely…and as I age…it seems that along with the feelings of true deep happiness, confidence, connection…there is also a lingering melancholy…for those things I wish I had…children, a family…I went the career root…and at 40 am JUST now feeling the effort come to fruition…maybe when we are young we are too dumb to understand what we are missing…lol.

As for swing-life…I have been ALL AROUND, only to arrive right where I began, enjoying my time with one man…so strange…so happy…so simple. Yet there is still that melancholia…I say melancholy and not regret purposefully…because I don’t regret my choices…I only am acknowledging my choices in the midst of “other” choices…there is a difference with the article…the sentiment in the feels sadder almost…grasping for happiness a bit…trying too hard…one thing I have learned in life…as I age…is to sit still…and really feel what’s going on…let it soak in, understand how it impacts you and those around you…before you do ANYTHING…and most of the time…change/decisions…will occur organically…meaning life changes…decisions…etc…that’s kinda happening right now for me.

Perhaps this leaves us with more questions than answers, as honest exploration often does…Looking forward to continuing the dialogue…Dr.NB.

(Image credit: Shutterbug Boudoir)

Fantasy…sometimes it’s never meant to be a reality.

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Sexual Fantasy and Reality have often merged in my life…or maybe criss-crossed is more accurate. In my experience when fantasy-made-real mirrors the landscape of my actually reality, it truly lives up to expectations; however, when the realization of fantasy skips too many reality-boundaries…it leaves me…disappointed. And not for the reasons you assume…

A Realized sexual fantasy leaves me disappointed because, now…it can no longer be a fantasy again…it must necessarily be retired from fantasy-rotation to become…just…a fading memory.

Strange…maybe. But, maybe not.

Making fantasies into actuality is complicated business. Fantasies are necessarily fluid, they float across our consciousness with unlimited options for malleability..not so, in real life. Real life is tethered to another’s (or multiple others) desires/wants/feeling/expectations…your fantasies are all yours.

Some welcome that unknowability. I think it allows for too many unintentional complications. It’s a fantasy. It’s simple. It’s deviant. It’s downright disgusting! And…maybe…Sometimes, it’s best to…Keep it that way!

I will never forgive myself for making the fantasy of a threesome, reality…not because I feel guilty…or because it was a bad experience…neither apply…rather…because…I can NEVER have that fantasy, again.

May all your fantasies…cross the barrier into reality…and back…again, xxx Dr. NB.

(image by exphoria inc. for nudephotobasics.com)

Masturbation…

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We all do it…and yet it continues to carry an inherent level of shame. Not to the extreme, rather it’s not something we include in daily exchanges…even with close friends, we focus on the method rather than the intimacies (fantasies)…and maybe…that’s perfectly okay…they are after all…just…for…us.

“She imagined herself both queen and slave, dominatrix and victim. In her imagination she was making love with men of all skin colors–white, black, yellow–with homosexuals and beggars. She was anyone’s, and anyone could do anything to her. She had one, two, three orgasms, one after another. She imagined everything she had never imagined before, and she gave herself to all that was most base and most pure.” (Coelho)

Happy Hump Day, Dr.NB