“I Wanna Make Porn! What’s It Like?”: Famous LAST Words

I get it all the time.

From the inquisitive: “Was it weird?”

To the intrigued: “How do I get into it? I always wanted to!”

The judgmental: “How could you DO THAT? Aren’t you a doctor?”

And finally, the disgruntled: “THAT IS DISGUSTING!”

The range is both wide and predictable…and in truth, my answer is always the same:

“YES…it is…all of those things…and so much MORE!”

 

My personal experience in the adult film industry has been consciously choreographed. I was 30 when I did my first erotic photo shoot and 31 when I shot my first film and honestly I do not regret one moment of it. I stand behind the entire process, and the films/videos/images I have helped to create with pride and while I could honestly give a shit about the final product (I can count on one hand the number of times I have watched any of my films) the real reason for my endeavors into pornography was for the…emotional exprerience…the process.

So now, what you have been waiting for, the ANSWER: What is it REALLY like???

It is like THIS:

Like, having sex for the first time with someone you hardly know in front of at least half a dozen people.

(in one moment)

Then it’s like THIS:

The hottest, most intimate closeness you can ever share with another person

(in the next moment).

Why the dichotomy?

How can these two diametrically opposed experiences co-exist? Well let me explain…

Filming sex between two (or more) people is a unique act. It is taking an experience and expression of feeling that is typically “private” and not only exposing it to an immediate audience but also to the wider world at large through mass media. At the same time, in the films that I have done, there was an effort to create feelings of intimacy and even affection between the actors. Now I was unique, in that for most of the work I have done my male-female sex scenes were with someone whom I loved (my boyfriend) which may seem as if it would make things easier…yes and no.

Let me recount a little story…

So I was filming a movie for RedLightTV with a director that I adore and a crew that was swiftly becoming family. The storyline was such: I played a doctor (go figure, art imitates life), with a horny male nurse/lover, who engages in an affair with a patient. Okay so all possibilities of malpractice and ethics aside, it was a fucking hot film to make. And there were all manner of scenes: two-on-one, one-on-one, girl-girl, girl-boy, girl-boy-girl…in all manner of sex acts…we did it all…oh wait and I forgot…I had one scene with my female co-star that involved a strap-on, a rather large strap-on…

So as the scene begins with her and I and we are getting hot and heavy, everyone including the crew is turned on. I was fully into the excitement not only of something new sexually, but also the entire process of being “watched” and “caught on film”…and as I very obviously approached orgasm…

 the set had become completely quite with anticipation…for this is the “money shot”…the excitement and tension among cast and crew was palpable because this was THE  MOMENT…and then…*CRASH*…followed by, “That’s it, I am Done! That’s just too much! I am fucking DONE!” announced the voice of my boyfriend of 2 years from the makeup room…effectively destroying the scene…the “perfect scene”.

Yes, it is totally laughable…and after a little calming-down, we regained composure to continue filming…but I think this little story demonstrates how a natural human experience can become distorted when under the unnatural pressure of the camera…Because THIS is what REALLY happened during that scene:

When I talked to my boyfriend later he expressed that he had felt completely out of control and under pressure to “perform” during the shoot (if you can imagine 7 sexy scenes and NO VIAGRA!) thus watching me express so much pleasure from a “fake cock” made him feel…immasculated and worthless, when in truth nothing could be further from my actual experience which was as follows…

In reality the strap-on was too large for me. I took a mild painkiller prior to the scene and used so much lube that I ended up ruining the prop-bed with “overflow”…while it was a hot scene, and my co-star was one sexy woman…point blank, it hurt. And as I bent over to kiss her during shooting she whispered this in my ear, “fake an orgasm as soon as you can and they will stop filming,” and that my friends is exactly what I did!

What does this tale relate about the pornography industry? Well I am sure many things that I won’t event get into here…but the purpose of its recounting is just this:

Making PORN is…wonderful, silly, hot, sexy, and really NOT sexy at all…oh WAIT! It is JUST LIKE REAL LIFE! Faulted and yet special…it is a moment and that is all…THAT is EVERYTHING. xxx c

Man Wrongly Accused of Rape: One Woman’s Folly is a Social Constructivist’s Dream

The Headline Reads, “The truth hurts rape liar” (justice_happened_things_system_solomon_JyyLFVitMM4bx63gpD1ouI)

In short, and to do the story a terrible injustice, this current event is centered around a man who was falsely convicted of rape and only freed after his accuser was challenged by a lack of DNA evidence and after 4 years in prison.

Heinous, is your initial reaction as was mine…and it only gets worse. She was drawn into making this claim after leaving a party drunk, accepting a ride from this man (with a legal history no less), and getting “shit” from her girlfriends the next day for “leaving the party early”. 

No doubt this is a Nasty-Dish to be served…and then to actually serve-it (for 4 years no less!)  is, well nauseating! And we can all wax-on about how awful this is, “the poor fellow”…we can sit around the water cooler, send the IM…You get the idea…what I am getting at here though is a slightly more provocative take.

Now listen…I am not trying to win any popularity contests here…I am just stating a…contrary opinion, based on…brace yourself and do NOT cringe…well you can, but then keep reading…FEMINIST THEORY.

I know. I KNOW. You have heard it all before…women are treated with inequity when compared to men in social, economic, and political rhelms…but when we look at this situation through this particualr lens the “blame” becomes less clearcut  and more reflective of a fault in our society, essentially not simply about this cruel individual-woman.

Here is what we know about Rape. Less than 50% (est.) of all rapes are reported. 30% of  people “blame the victim” in some capacity when it comes to situations involving rape. So what we have is a society that continues to repress the reality of rape and perpetuate views that are archaic and arguably dangerous to its victims.

Taken to the extreme…I would contend that in cases of rape there are many more perpetrators that “get away with it” than are wrongly accused, as in this case…and yet I can only think that the reason we don’t see articles in the NY Post titled: “Teens-girls report less than half of all rapes committed,” is that as a society we find it much more appealing to reinforce the idea that rape is unjustified than to really support the fact that somewhere between 25-33% of all women will experience sexual abuse/assault in their lifetime. Afterall, much of our life (or so the media would have us believe) is about placating and/or manipulating our fears while simultaneously championing our fantasies.

In the end…we maybe left with the notion that everyone…man or woman is an individual and can only be evaluated from that standpoint…but then, that wouldn’t be fair either as we are all a part of the social-web from which our gender is unwittingly woven…

And so, perhaps our unwitting victim was indeed the man and the perpetrator the woman, in this case…or maybe the woman was also a victim of a society that searches for “evil”…or to take it one more step, perhaps the media violates all of us when they chose a particular “fantastic” and anomulous story over then general reality…any way you look at it it seems we are all slaves to Our Own Particular Social Construction…meaning one woman’s fantasy is another woman’s reality and that society in the end will decide who is GUILTY and who is INNOCENT.

Swinger Parties: My Sexual-Evolution

This weekend was the Sexxymofo (www.sexxymofo.com) Lingerie Party at Nikki Beach…I am their hostess and long time Lifestyler (translate: person involved in the swinger community) and it has been nearly 6 years since I was first fascinated and then identified with this…Way of Life?…Choice in Sexuality?…Alternate Lifestyle? However you choose to construct it, being involved in the Lifestyle Community is something unique to each couple and even each individual. Gone are the 70’s Swingers with their shag rugs and latch key parties, the modern swinger  occupies a myriad of various sexual moray and relationship permutations. Which is actually what I love about the Lifestyle today. It is less about getting into your neighbor’s bedroom and more about erotic exploration and collaboration with your lover. The parties today are conceptualized from a feminine perspective and as such the pace of expressed sensuality is less overt, softer, and more erotic overall. Thus, careful attention is paid to: setting, music, decore…all the little details that promise to tempt and tease. AND I LOVE IT!

Evolving from a party attendee and participant…to a hostess and organizer always was an organic choice albeit one with some consequences. I always enjoyed the excitement and mysticism these events carried…What will I see? Who will be there? What will be going on? What will I do? How will he/she/we react? All of these questions cultivated an excitement and even anxiety that only fueled my anticipation of the event…and later milling over the memories of these surprises: That Kiss, Her Taste, His Hands, Our Shared Passion…fueled many a subsequent and satisfying fantasy! However, when I became involved in the organization of the events themselves some of that heightened excitement at the unknown dissipated.

Or maybe it simply shifted…

Becoming a hostess for Lifestyle events marked a movement in my own sexuality…I became less of a participant and more of a voyeur. The fascination became enjoying the pleasure of others…watching them indulge in all the sexy details I had mindfully created for them. It was a little like eroticism-once-removed because while I wasn’t indulging with the same selfish and unscripted abandon, I was still garnering extreme sexual satisfaction from the enjoyment of others. But, as you may have surmised, that type of selflessness if just not natural or long-lasting for a natural-hedonist such as myself…hence,

A SEXUAL-EVOLTION was in order…

The last few parties, while I have been just as focused on the inception and execution of the event itself, a new turn has twisted…

Most frequently the Lifestyle has been shared with my long-term relationships and it is with a partner that I derive the most pleasure at these events and in the community itself. My Boyfriend, arrived to the Lifestyle through his relationship with me, and while the affiliation wasn’t necessarily an expected one for him I believe that he has come to enjoy not only my pleasure through such experiences but also is deriving his own…and as a consequence something special is happening between US…the excitement and stimulation that is instigated by all those sexy couples and ladies indulging in one another’s secret desires is now augmented and satiated by…US–by me, reconnecting in my relationship.

I know it seems almost ridiculous (or perhaps just painfully obvious) that I should come full circle and rediscover how to sexually (and emotionally) reconnect to my lover through something as non-traditional and polyamorous as The Swing Lifestyle…but it is all together fact…and a clear illustration of the power of intimacy which is as much about sexual pleasure and satisfaction as it is about self-actualization, communication, and acceptance…isn’t it pleasant when what we want coincides with what we need? I think so too! xxx c

Anne Boleyn: Knowing a “Woman’s Place”…is only the beginning

Currently, on my Kindle I am enjoying a historical piece by Allison Weir, The Lady in The Tower: The Fall of Anne Boleyn…It cronicles  Anne Boleyn’s rise to Queendom and her consequent fall to beheadedness as Henry VIII’s 2nd of 6 wives (yes even back in THE DAY!), after being found guilty of adultery & treason, namely plotting to kill the king. In truth it is a bit lengthy and full of old English but I cannot seem to stop laboring through it! A fact which has given me pause for reflection…and lead to me to the recognition that what is fascinating me the most about this true story is how the age-old Madonna-Whore myth is re-enacted yet again to bring down a powerful and thus frightening woman. It’s not a new theme in fact it has played out in most of our lives (as women)…in one way or another…So stay with me for a moment…

For all accounts and purposes we can factually assume Anne’s innocence, at least on the count of treason to plot her husband’s murder…but let’s begin at the beginning…King Henry VIII left his first wife Kaherine of Aragon after being “bewitched” by the Lady Anne and then pining after her for years before the Church would grant an annulment to this first marriage. Their “secret” marriage was one not acknowledged by all The Kingdom due to differing (actually warring) poltical and religious factions (if there was a difference between the two at that time).

The Lady Anne, Queen Anne…was not well liked in Court. She was outspoken in her marriage, jealous when Henry took consorts, and enjoyed gambling and flirtations with her ladies-in-waiting. Reportedly she was “schooled” in France and was reputed to have a cortesan-like education. She was also strong in her religeous convictions and politically Anne was extrememly influential as to which way her husband’s alliance swayed. In short she was a Rebel, a calculating rebel and she was quickly marked a danger to those in Court who’s veiws didn’t align with her own. Her one “weakness” was an anability to bare male children with the king (a “problem” which history bears out if you recall who her daughter was).

So, we have a strong, influential, sexually assured woman…Queen. And a court that is clearly flumoxed at best and enraged at worst over her conduct and ability to weild power over them. Enter the plotting, power-hungry male advisor….and voila! We have a scandal to produce!

Very quickly, and I am sure you can fill in the story…The Queen is brought to trial, witnesses are bribed, evidence is fabricated, the King’s widely recognized paranoia is played upon…and we have all the makings of a tragedy…or a soap opera, novella if your prefer…we will call it: “The Lady is a Tramp” or maybe “Black Widow” or perhaps “Off With Her Head! “…whatever we decide the ending is inevitable…and our tale ends with a necessary victim and a society that is once again soothed by the “justice” of reining-in and finally extinguishing a woman’s power by means of her sexual…proprieties? confidence? expression? No these are far to strong a word how about just…

It was Anne Boleyn’s Sexuality that Screwed her in the End…but at least the King(dom) Got Good HEAD!

Terribly punny I know…but sadly true…in today’s world womens expressed sexuality and affinity for power continue to engender hate (really fear) in others less concious of their own nature…but we must also remember that our dear Queen Anne got the last laugh as her Daughter Elizabeth I was to be the first powerful woman to ascend the crown of England…how interesting that she did so as a VIRGIN!!!..or so she would have us believe, I wonder…

Walking Between The Spaces II: Thank You “Pilgebump”

Bardo

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

This is an article on a Buddhist concept. For other meanings of the word Bardo, see: Bardo (disambiguation)

The Tibetan word Bardo (Sanskrit: Antara-bhava) means literally “intermediate state” – also translated as “transitional state” or “in-between state” or “liminal state”. In Sanskrit the concept has the name antarabhāva.

“In the terma discovered by Karma Lingpa, Guru Padmasambhava introduces six different bardos. The first bardo begins when we take birth and endures as long as we live. The second is the bardo of dreams. The third is the bardo of concentration or meditation. The fourth occurs at the moment of death. The fifth is known as the bardo of the luminosity of the true nature. The sixth is called the bardo of transmigration or karmic becoming.”^[2]

Used somewhat loosely, the term “bardo” may refer to the state of existence intermediate between two lives on earth. According to Tibetan tradition, after death and before one’s next birth, when one’s consciousness is not connected with a physical body, one experiences a variety of phenomena. These usually follow a particular sequence of degeneration from, just after death, the clearest experiences of reality of which one is spiritually capable, to, later on, terrifying hallucinations arising from the impulses of one’s previous unskillful actions. For the spiritually advanced the bardo offers a state of great opportunity for liberation, since transcendental insight may arise with the direct experience of reality, while for others it can become a place of danger as the karmically created hallucinations can impel one into a less than desirable rebirth.

In the West, the term bardo may also refer to times when our usual way of life becomes suspended, as, for example, when we are on retreat. Such times can prove fruitful for spiritual progress, as external constraints diminish, although they offer challenges because our unskillful impulses can come to the fore, just as in the sidpa bardo.

Walking BETWEEN the spaces…

I realize I am borrowing a term here yet it seems to have always applied to the way in which I move through my life.

As a young child suffering abuse, that so many can relate to…I walked the spaces between child and adult…negotiating a child’s understanding of an adult experience. The memories of that time meander as dreamstates and overdeterimined sensuality…today, I stay between those spaces, then, as now…necessarily.

As an older child, losing a parent at a young age, in a traumatic manner…I walked the spaces between life and death, negotiating them with rage and expression through my teenage years. I acted out through creative and edgy characitures, carving out an “alternative” space between the noticed and un-noticed…un-happily malnourished both physically and emotionally…I was starving between the spaces.

Situated in my later teenage years…I walked the spaces between my ethnicity…white and mexican…privileged and cultured…versus marginalized and acculturated. I yearned for both spaces: the advatanges of White and the meaningful history of the ethnic. Yet I was too brown for one and too “blaquita” for the other so again I was stuck between…identities with no space to claim me.

In Young adulthood I found myself yearning to occupy the Spaces everyone else does…I walked the girlfriend space…the corperate space…the educated space…I negotiated them quite successfuly. Sustaining long term-relationships…Earning alcolades and top Degrees in my field. I was psychoanalyzed…physically fit and healthy…happily respresenting the “educated mexican” as a doctor and defender of those “less fortunate”…still I heard a whisper…from between the spaces.

Sitting at my desk…I remembered my life between the spaces…I yearned for that life, a life lived in the moment.

In many ways my life between the spaces was much harder than this puffed-up, over-educated, over-identifed, over-analyzed life IN the Spaces…it was indeterminant…unstable…and often unfocused…and yet it felt alive! Life between the spaces invigorates my will to survive…to define moments instead of goals…to justify desires rather than investments…it feels REAL and true and actualized.

When I think my transition from BETWEEN the spaces to the  spaces themselves…and then the pull BACK…It feels as if it was never really a choice, that somehow my life feels most like MY life when it is lived BETWEEN…here and there.

I am not a Doctor…I am not a Pornstar…I am not a Swinger…I am not a Girlfriend…I am not a Woman…I am not a Lover…I am not a Psychologist…I am not a Performer…I am not a Promoter…I am not a Writer…I am not a Teacher…I am not a Account Executive…I am not a Daughter…I am not…what you think I AM…I am ME…walking between the spaces…in the moments…HAPPILY sorting them out, knowing that the answers are not easy…but also knowing that for me…Life BETWEEN THE SPACES…is MY LIFE…my friend, this is my life.

Playboy Radio – The Playboy Advisor Show – SexxyMofo Swingers

via Playboy Radio – The Playboy Advisor Show – SexxyMofo Swingers.

 

Conchita of SexxyMofo

Our guest on The Playboy Advisor Show on Playboy Radio (Sirius/XM 99) on Wednesday, February 3 at 1 p.m. EST / 10 a.m. PST (with a repeat at 6 p.m. EST and 3 p.m. PST) will be Michael Burns, founder of the swinger and adult personals site SexxyMofo.com. He’s joined by the smokin’ Conchita, the site’s moderator and party planner.  New members can check out SexxyMofo for 30 days at no charge; to peek inside a party see the video below, which was shot during an event at Libations in New York City. Michael and Conchita will discuss the lifestyle, soft swinging, on- and off-premise parties, how to get into swinging and how to set rules with your spouse so that no one is disappointed.

Each week Senior Editor Chip Rowe, the Playboy Advisor, sits down with one or two guests for an in-depth conversation about the same topics you see in the column, including sex (of course), dating, cigars, fashion and booze. If you don’t have Sirius/XM, you can listen to Playboy Radio and more than 100 other stations by purchasing a radio and monthly subscription, or listen online for $12.95 per month. The first 30 days are free.

The Playboy Advisor Show also has Facebook and MySpace pages, and you can get updates on the latest shows via Twitter. Won’t you be our friend?

From A Published Work

Mindfulness, from: “The Art & Science of Psychotherapy”

“Mindfulness involves the ongoing observation of experience as it emerges in the here-and-now. An important byproduct of minfulness is internal space. It consists of the loosening of one’s attachments to one’s cognitive-affective processes, with the objective of viewing them as constructions of the mind…Mindfulness involves radical self-acceptance of thoughts, feelings and behaviors. It is vital in ths practice that therapists work to develop true acceptance through awareness of the subtle and not so subtle aspects of what they deem unacceptable in their attitudes and actions.True compassion develops through struggling and finally accepting one’s own pain, limitations, failures, and internal conflicts.” (p.165-166 )

Frida Kahlo: Inspiration through pain & beauty

Frida Kahlo was and remains such an icon, a source of inspiration, curiosity, even confusion to many. This small Mexican folk-artist who rose to prominence only after her painful and passionate life had ended, her artistic career eclipsed by her famed husband while she was alive. So many are moved by her art and perhaps even more so by her story. Gio recently watched this clip ( below) and reflected that it made him cry and yet was confused by his own reaction to these strung together images from Frida’s life. I do have an inkling as to why, he and so many others including myself are moved by this tenacious, artistic, strong, sensual, political and intelligent woman…because she was so REAL. In her CONFLICTS as in her LIFE, she EXPERIENCED and then EXPRESSED an exaggeration of what we all feel: joy, pain, sex, family, politics, career…and yet every step of the way…she embraced all of these dynamics with more than simple passion, she approached them with LOVE…and perhaps that is why this piece may touch you…as it did me.

It is a rare being that can both experience and express all of their life, with a lack of self-consciousness, just plain HONESTY. I suppose Frida was brave in a way I hope to be, one day.

The MEANING is in the INK…

I have marked the passages in my life through small yet disconnected body art…and I recently realized that they all symbolize LOSS and REBIRTH:

1. The BUTTERFLY I got at 17 = leaving home and starting college in NYC. I was so scared; so sure the city would engulf me that I wished for the courage of that little willful creature! ….

1. A NOSE piercing = a way to “adorn” my unacceptable nose, a symbol of my “hated” Mexican‘ness…which for my entire life only showed me how UNbeautiful I was compared to those I saw around me in the small town I grew up in, in Washington State. Only when I moved to NYC, where ethnicity is celebrated did I understand that beauty is multi-ethnic…and no longer “needed” the piercing. ….
2. My navel piercing…SADDNESS = I lost a baby once…it was very traumatic…that was for him…”Colt”. ….
3. The tribal WAVE on my lower back = the ending of my longest relationship (7 years) which ended in us “growing apart,” and like the “sea” it represents, time for us to move on. ….
4. My “hood” piercing = to mark a period of SEXUAL rebirth, after a difficult time in an intimate relationship, it was my way of reclaiming my own sexuality and pleasure. ….
5. An INFINITY sign with my wedding date in roman numerals = “unbounding” and what will always be the happiest day of my life…the day I finally allowed myself to believe in FOREVER…a wonderful and healthy fantasy…ephemeral as it is…..

Keep in Mind, they were all small…silly examples of body-art, without a larger artistic intent…

I have always admired people with artistic, bold tattoos and body art. I used to stare at them with fascination wondering: What were they trying to communicate with these symbols on their body? What inspired them? Why would they choose to “mark” their “natural” state in this way? And when I had boyfriends (tatt-less boyfriends) who would say: “That is so gross!” I would disagree, inexplicably drawn to the secret artistic communication these creative people seemed to express through their bodies!….

You know my (**THEN**) husband has beautiful tattoos, a sleeve of them. And he was the first man I was with that had chosen to express such artistic symbolism through his body…and I immediately loved them…tracing them intently with my fingers and lips—licking as I went…They tasted like IMAGINATION…like SOUL and SENSUALITY…amazing! I was Obsessed!….

NOW, perhaps as another reaction to LOSS & REBIRTH, I feel as if I might capture some of that creative expression in myself…that which I had always admired and coveted in others in the past, might actually become part of my FUTURE!….

The Aerial Suspension Rope Performance (for Skin NYC/SexxyMofo in July) represented a turning point in this “process,” I am now involved in.

The performance represented something I had never done before and almost cancelled because I truly thought I could NOT (do it “alone”)…and I yet DID! It was a moment of great personal growth, empowerment and self-acceptance: I am enough, on my own…The next morning, it came to me: my SYMBOL…the Lotus…..

The LOTUS is the big bold sensual flower of Asia that rises out of the dirty mud from the bottom of a pond, SHE rises toward the light, to then unfurl and stretch curved petals, reaching toward the sunlight…water droplets still clinging to her pink-ness—She actually does this daily emulating the sun-moon cycle…The Lotus shows us that PURITY and BEAUTY don’t necessarily come from only the same, but rather can develop from ADVERSITY, DARKNESS…and even from DEATH. ….

*Today, THIS MOMENT is my REBIRTH* ….

This is not unlike my wedding day, when I allowed myself to believe in forever only to be then forced to accept the fragility of that beauty…I have decided that this situation will NOT take that DISCOVERED FAITH in “FOREVER” away from me. I will carry it with me…through the rebirth of my Lotus tattoo…….

MY LOTUS sits in the center of my back, between my shoulder blades…she is about the size of a large outstretched hand and…she GREW FROM 4+ hours of PAIN! Pain which interestingly also had its own “life cycle” and metaphor: ….

• First, stinging pain (hour 1)…but, “I can take it!” ….
• Then as the endorphins kicked in, I developed a heightened sense of the pain and FOUGHT desperately against it, my muscles tensed and my breath came in shortened spurts (hour 2). I thought,” I cannot do this; it is too much, I cannot endure this.” Then, I began CRYING and shaking, feeling…so cold. I could not will myself to stop shivering and immediately knew this had nothing to do with the tattoo, rather this expression of physiological SHOCK was coming from DEEP BELOW THE SKIN. The artist asked if I was okay, I responded that my tears weren’t about the tattoo that I was crying from pain of another sort. He understood, stopped for a moment…and HELD ME…without wiping any of my tears away, and then released me, going on with his work, and leaving me to MY process. I sobbed and sobbed…thinking of all the pain I had fought and tensed up against throughout the last couple weeks, rather than just recognizing the VULNERABLITY & LOSS I felt about my situation. ….
• So…I LET IT GO…I started breathing into the tattoo (hour 3)…I accepted the pain and relaxed into it…almost welcomed it. And it came, it didn’t stop, but it also didn’t hurt quite so much. I had INTEGRATED the displeasure of pain into my experience, in the moment. Accepted it for what it was…breathed it in…Allowed my muscles to relax into it…and I finally found PEACE…true…and complete…amidst the pain…I found peace…beautiful…and I SMILED and TEARS came, this time however they were tears of JOY and ultimate release…I had found my place…my balance…and it wasn’t from running-away or fighting-against the pain…it was from ACCEPTING it right there in the moment…And where the moment had initially given me only SUFFERING, now I accepted the GIFT born from pain…my beautiful Lotus, my symbol of Loss & Rebirth* ….

So I decided to get a tattoo and discovered what years of meditation, therapy, and yoga never gave me: PEACE, amidst the PAIN…through ACCEPTANCE and LOVE…..

Today I was again reminded off this cycle of life upon entering St. John’s The Divine Cathedral…A HUGE gothic cathedral, I entered SEARCHING…I was searching for relief, again…and was immediately overwhelmed by the enormity of the structure itself…this is what inspired awe in it’s parishioners…and I understand now…I felt small…forced to raise my head toward heaven to even take in the vastness of the alter…yet this had the effect of safety: you are not alone, there is something BIGGER than you, protective and complete. I sat in the pew and immediately I prayed…for guidance, for help, to have all my pain taken away…and what I received was the permission to stop fighting, to again ACCEPT and breath…with the understanding that through this process and only through this pain will I again find my place and my PEACE…seems to be a running theme in my life…I SHOULD LISTEN!….

So art imitates life…this time…and I continue to walk with YOU in this journey…of humanity…..