Walking BETWEEN the spaces…

I realize I am borrowing a term here yet it seems to have always applied to the way in which I move through my life.

As a young child suffering abuse, that so many can relate to…I walked the spaces between child and adult…negotiating a child’s understanding of an adult experience. The memories of that time meander as dreamstates and overdeterimined sensuality…today, I stay between those spaces, then, as now…necessarily.

As an older child, losing a parent at a young age, in a traumatic manner…I walked the spaces between life and death, negotiating them with rage and expression through my teenage years. I acted out through creative and edgy characitures, carving out an “alternative” space between the noticed and un-noticed…un-happily malnourished both physically and emotionally…I was starving between the spaces.

Situated in my later teenage years…I walked the spaces between my ethnicity…white and mexican…privileged and cultured…versus marginalized and acculturated. I yearned for both spaces: the advatanges of White and the meaningful history of the ethnic. Yet I was too brown for one and too “blaquita” for the other so again I was stuck between…identities with no space to claim me.

In Young adulthood I found myself yearning to occupy the Spaces everyone else does…I walked the girlfriend space…the corperate space…the educated space…I negotiated them quite successfuly. Sustaining long term-relationships…Earning alcolades and top Degrees in my field. I was psychoanalyzed…physically fit and healthy…happily respresenting the “educated mexican” as a doctor and defender of those “less fortunate”…still I heard a whisper…from between the spaces.

Sitting at my desk…I remembered my life between the spaces…I yearned for that life, a life lived in the moment.

In many ways my life between the spaces was much harder than this puffed-up, over-educated, over-identifed, over-analyzed life IN the Spaces…it was indeterminant…unstable…and often unfocused…and yet it felt alive! Life between the spaces invigorates my will to survive…to define moments instead of goals…to justify desires rather than investments…it feels REAL and true and actualized.

When I think my transition from BETWEEN the spaces to the  spaces themselves…and then the pull BACK…It feels as if it was never really a choice, that somehow my life feels most like MY life when it is lived BETWEEN…here and there.

I am not a Doctor…I am not a Pornstar…I am not a Swinger…I am not a Girlfriend…I am not a Woman…I am not a Lover…I am not a Psychologist…I am not a Performer…I am not a Promoter…I am not a Writer…I am not a Teacher…I am not a Account Executive…I am not a Daughter…I am not…what you think I AM…I am ME…walking between the spaces…in the moments…HAPPILY sorting them out, knowing that the answers are not easy…but also knowing that for me…Life BETWEEN THE SPACES…is MY LIFE…my friend, this is my life.

6 thoughts on “Walking BETWEEN the spaces…

  1. GioNYC says:

    Wow, my friend. That was brilliantly said. “Walking between the spaces” is what truly define us all. “Happily sorting them out” and “knowing that the answers are not easy”… wow I can relate on so many levels. I am just amazed by all your talents and blown away by your genuineness in between the spaces…

  2. Seneca says:

    I was “forced” into a space today. A space that I’m constantly tumbling into. I read this and feel comfort in knowing I am not the only one. Trapped between crying and laughing at my own discomfort, your words allowed me a small sigh of relief this morning. Thank you for always being willing to share yourself when so many of us are too frightened or weak to do the same. With my whole heart, I thank you.

  3. nymphobrainiac says:

    This was a response posted from my good friend Liz’s Site http://www.SVGNATION.com…her words meant quite a lot:

    “Thank you for sharing that. I feel you on this one. For me, I’ve realized that as I approach my 30s how my perception of life and of people has, I don’t want to say “changed,” as much as been enhanced. In our early 20s, I think we tend to focus more on our relationships with people and how people perceive us. Even though we try to say we have a “don’t give a f*ck what YOU think” attitude, in our early 20s we are still very insecure. We’re still learning about self-expression and being comfortable in our own skin. As time goes on, we start to let go of some of those more shallow intrinsic values and start to search for deeper meaning in life…in spirituality, humanity, and relationships. We think about the future and our past. We reflect and we question. We ask ourselves, “what is REALLY important and WHY?” Maybe you and I are searching for that answer, Conchy!! Thank you so much for sharing this. It feels good to talk about these things some times. “

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