This Is What I Mean By: Porn-With-A-Conscience

“PORN WITH A CONSCIENCE”

I know that I have used this term before, when describing the type of erotic film projects (See THIS & THIS) I have worked on and the artists I have worked with, and by-all-rights you may be wondering “what the hell” I am talking about.

Well, it’s as confounding as it sounds:

CONSCIENCE + PORN =?

Conscience is defined as: the sense or consciousness of the moral goodness or blameworthiness of one’s own conduct, intentions, or character together with a feeling of obligation to do right or be good.

Porn(ography) is defined as: the depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement.

These two diametrically opposed (or dialectically related) terms (depending on your theoretical position), defined and then combined into one single idea. I suppose I am describing porn that strives to explore the variant aspects of true sexual relationships, scenarios, fantasies…porn that is responsible for depicting not only the purely stereotypical and often gynecological “angles” of improbable sex-acts, but also the complexity of emotion and the often clumsy yet beautiful reality of it all.

Am I saying that the type of porn I participate in making is BETTER than that which 99.9% of the kind the world actually watches?

NO.

Absolutely not.

In fact, I think my porn is honestly quite boring to watch especially when you compare it to the highly glossed and stylized porn, popularized by big name companies like Vivid. “My porn” just cannot compete, from a purely entertainment perspective, but then again I didn’t participate in these projects to gain notoriety as a porn star…quite the opposite.

I participate/d in erotic projects as a vehicle for self-exploration.

That’s (was) it.

I don’t care if I never sell a video…a photo…admission…a ticket. I don’t have a percentage of any of my sales. I don’t own rights to any of my work. My projects are about me…my emotional reactions…my process…my understanding. So much so, that when I went to the premiere of “Under The Covers” directed by noted/legendary feminist pornographer, Candida Royalle, in NYC and discovered that paparazzi was in attendance…I thought, “Oh Fuck, you have really done it this time!” Which brings me to my own conflict:

A Doctor who does porn.

If I am truthful, it was never a question if whether or not I would do porn…it was a matter of finding the right project. Somehow, “being a clinician” and “porning” didn’t seem incomprehensible or morally reprehensible for that matter, only slightly incompatible. In reaction, I developed a way of compartmentalizing and changes in: name , makeup, and hair made that separation quite doable. Until…that premiere where I began to realize that…no only was a necessary part of my self-exploration exhibitionistic but also that I indeed would have to be accountable for that fact as a REAL woman.

How did I resolve (or at least begin to resolve) this CONFLICT?

I added an interview to the documentary that is included on the DVD for “Under The Covers” (2007), where I came clean. I talked about being a doctor…participating in porn…my boundaries…my desires…my difficulties as well as the way in which I felt one (profession) actually complimented the other (expression). Call me a liberal but psychology has always seemed like a natural fit with porn. Anyway, I owned up…to my “obligation” or my responsibility, as I understood it because although my initial motivation was one rooted in self-exploration…I realized that I still had to be accountable for what I was “putting out there” in the world. It was important to me as a human.

Do I think I represent everyone? Do I think I have done a perfect or even great job at resolving the conflicts surrounding pornography and women?

NO.

But I think I try.

I try to be realistic. To be connected emotionally to all the work I do…and most of all I have a sense of HUMOR!

It’s fantasy…it’s porn…it just isn’t that serious…when you think about it. I mean really think about it…not much in life is that serious…degrees, accomplishments, titles, fame…it’s all just a moment, in what we can only hope will be a long life…so let’s try not to take ourselves too seriously, huh?

CONSCIENCE + PORN = C O R N