Ahhhh…The Penis! If we aren’t discussing size, it’s functionality…if it’s not functionality, it’s “look and feel”…but how often do we consider the Penis at Large?! (Yes, go ahead and laugh it’s pun-ny). Anyway, I thought I might procure a few fun facts about our favorite member…
(Note portions of this list have circulated the internet for years…but of course I added my own take)
1. Napoleon’s Penis
When Napoleon Bonaparte died, apparently his doctor cut off his penis for the autopsy. In 1977, the penis was eventually sold for a whopping $2,900 to a urologist in New Jersey and was apparently 1.5 inches at the time it was sold (but give the guy a break maybe he was a “grower” not a “shower”!). But during the interim period, people had much to say about it. Because it was ill-preserved, the penis was allegedly compared to a piece of leather, a shriveled eel, and to beef jerky. And when it was put for up public display in Manhattan in 1927, TIME remarked that it looked like a “maltreated strip of buckskin shoelace.”
Talk about a stage-5-clinger; men meet your worst enemy. Candiru is a type of catfish found in South America, specifically in the Amazon river. It’s typically less than an inch long, scaleless, translucent, and looks similar to an eel. They are particularly attracted to urine and have this mean little habit of swimming up the urethra of men’s penises.
What happens is, once the little guy has swam fully up the urethra, it settles in there by anchoring their short spines into the surrounding tissue. They then gain access to the man’s blood supply, which can cause inflammation, hemorrhage, and even death. The only way to remove this is surgically. So, men…DON’T PEE IN THE POND!
A rare condition that affects one in 5-6 million males, diphallus is when a man is born with two penises. Unfortunately it’s rare that both are fully functional, and it often comes in tandem with other deformities that also require surgery. Wait, why is this considered a “deformity”?!?
4. Penises used to have spines
Though they were lost before Neanderthals and modern humans diverged. Scientists are still not quite certain of their purpose, but they speculate that it correlated with promiscuity as these spines apparently quickened the pace of an erection and is more common in promiscuous species.
If you’re wondering what constitutes a promiscuous species, apparently that would be a cat. Makes me wonder what kind of vaginas accommodated these weapons…Vagina Dentata, perhaps?
5. The foreskin has an abundance of Langerhans cells
Which are immune cells which may fight off HIV (although the opposite has been reported as well). “Langerin is a natural barrier to HIV-1 transmission by Langerhans cells.” One researcher, Teunis Geijtenbeek, said that “Langerin is able to scavenge viruses from the surrounding environment, thereby preventing infection” and “since generally all tissues on the outside of our bodies have Langerhans cells, we think that the human body is equipped with an antiviral defense mechanism, destroying incoming viruses.”
6. Fetuses can have erections
Why this would shock ANYONE is beyond me…so I will just leave this right…here.
7. Kim Jong-il’s penis was 3 feet, 4 inches
…according to the Korean version of the Guinness Book of Records.
8. Jonah Falcon…
So you think you have a “big one”…yeah…not so much…The man with the world’s largest penis. He is 44-years-old, with a 9-inch penis (13.5 inches when hard).
9. King Fatefehi of Tonga, AKA Pimp Daddy
Between the years of 1770 and 1784, he reportedly “deflowered 7 virgins every day for 14 staright years!”…that equates to 37,800 women. I’m sorry I don’t buy it…not the numbers, the part about these women being virgins…no. Even today these tiny islands are home to only a population of 100k, 30% are virgins?!? Just no.
10. No brain necessary for ejaculation
The order to ejaculate comes from the spinal cord, not the brain…and so technically 9or rather scientifically), you can cum…after you’re dead….just a thought!
11. Animals with the biggest and smallest penises
The Blue Whale is the animal with the biggest recorded penis to date, at 8 feet long. The adult male elephant has the biggest recorded penis for land animals, at 6 feet (and S-shaped when erect). And coming in with the smallest penis is the shrew, at .2 inches. But remember, it’s all about relativity!
Koro is a strange culture-specific syndrome,in which an individual has an overpowering belief that his or her genitals (e.g., penis or female nipples) are retracting and will disappear, despite the lack of any true longstanding changes to the genitals. Koro is also known as shrinking penis, and it is listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. The syndrome occurs worldwide, and mass hysteria of genital-shrinkage anxiety has a history in Africa, Asia, and Europe. In the United States and Europe, the syndrome is commonly known as genital retraction syndrome.
13. “Angel Lust”
Actually this relates back to the previous item concerning where erection “cum from”…when a man gets an erection after being hanged, also known as a “death erection.” I said I was sorry.
14. King of ancient tribes ate penises
In ancient tribes, the king would often eat the penis of his predecessor to apparently absorb his holy power….this somehow does not shock me…I wonder if it works?
15. “Shaved” guardians in Muslim empires
In great Muslim empires, there would be a guardian assigned to each harem’s bed. The guardians had to be “shaved,” which meant having his testicles and penis removed. Again, makes good sense…would you allow an “unshaved” penis around your harem?! I thought not!
16. The Penis Festival
This is my final penis fact…and really it’s less of a fact and more of a celebration…because after all what’s NOT to love about PENISES?! The Shinto Kanamara Matsuri is held each spring in Kawasaki, Japan. The penis, as the central theme of the event, is reflected in illustrations, candy, carved vegetables, decorations, and a mikoshi parade. The Kanamara Matsuri is centered around a local penis-venerating shrine once popular among prostitutes who wished to pray for protection from sexually transmitted diseases. IThere is also a legend of a sharp-toothed demon (vagina dentata, there she is again!…should be my next blog!) that hid inside the vagina of a young woman and castrated two young men on their wedding nights. As a result, the young woman sought help from a blacksmith, who fashioned an iron phallus to break the demon’s teeth, which led to the enshrinement of the item.
Today, the festival has become something of a tourist attraction and is used to raise money for HIV research…and that is ALL GOOD!