Before You Became “Just Friends”: Self-Deception and The Ex-

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Ever begin a committed relationship with a new someone, who unwaveringly expects your complete acceptance of a recent ex- as “just friends”… wherein past relationship with said ex- was long-term and recent?

If so, did it make you wary when they insisted on the innocence of remaining “best friends”, “most valued confidents”, and “cuddle buddies” with this other?

And…Did you even question your own sanity at questioning this behavior (e.g.,  “Am I crazy or is this weird?”)?

You shouldn’t have.

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I remember once I had a relationship in which my partner indicated that I should be “ok” with his just-friends-now-ex and he occasionally cuddling and sharing a bed when she, “needed” him with the assurance that, “nothing sexual” would happen. My reaction:

Ummmm WHAT?!?! Are you fucking kidding me? NO.

Sex or no sex, THAT is sharing intimacy…which may be ok in certain situations (that we dictate, as a couple), but what’s with the self-deception? The thing is, he knew it (“actions speak louder….”and all that jazz).

WE ALL KNOW IT.

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Let’s be honest, letting go of love, even when it’s bad, is difficult. Because of this we often morph the romantic aspects of intimacy into what we re-term “close friendship”. But the truth is…it takes TIME to re-develop a relationship with a past love. Let me stress, I am not saying it can’t happen…I am saying it takes time and the complete and total acceptance of both parties to:

THE END OF MUTUAL INTIMACY.

I don’t mean being able to say, “we broke up,” or changing your Facebook status, or even moving-out and returning your key. I mean (to reiterate):

THE END OF MUTUAL INTIMACY!

And that acceptance…simply is not…well, SIMPLE.

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I imagine this post is about allowing ourselves to see the ending of a relationship as a process…without kidding ourselves about unconscious wishes…and unfulfilled desires…because it’s DAMN HARD TO LET GO…even when we want to/need to/should let go. And if we can work through that process without dragging a third party through all our “dirt”…well then…I imagine we can call that…a well-done ending, if there ever was such a thing in love…or in life.

Happy weekend lovers, dr.c.

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