Porn Just Doesn’t Turn HER On…But HE Loves it!

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Porn is a sticky subject for a lot of us (yes I meant to be pun-ny).

We have our social views:
Everyone watches it!

We have our personal views:
Porn is cheesy, but it gets the job done.

We have our political views:
Porn doesn’t accurately reflect any sex I have ever had or will have…ever.

But I recently saw a political cartoon concerning lesbians, sex, and porn:

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The idea was, if you are anti-gay how can you watch “lesbian-porn

And it got me thinking:

When we watch two women have sex in porn are we in any way equating it with lesbian sex?

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Do we equate ANY sexy we see in porn with real-life sex?

And do the answers to those questions differ by gender and sexual orientation?

Better question:

Does ANY woman relate to the women in porn from a sexual standpoint?

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I am going to go out on a limb here and say that while I think men (straight and gay) in some manner do relate to porn (they are after all able to “insert” themselves into the scene during masturbation, at the very least) I do NOT think that women relate, at least not on the same level.

Now let me clarify, I am not talking about alt or lesbian or feminist (yes I made one of those) porn, I am speaking of mainstream-porn.

So now the question becomes:

Why don’t we (women) relate?
Because the women in porn don’t look like us? Fuck like us? Orgasm like us?
But, do the men in porn fuck like any men we know? No, not really…

Here we get to the core of the matter, the hilt, while men I think would like to imagine that they fuck like porn stars, women aren’t particularly turned-on at all by the sex-scenes portrayed in the majority of mainstream porn (and yet women are still buying vibrators, it’s not like we aren’t masturbating as much as men, just not to porn).

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Example:

This weekend I watched A Room in Rome (a totally female driven extremely sexual film about two women who are lovers), with a another woman and a man. There were multiple graphic sex scenes in the film; in fact the majority of the film is about sex and desire.

To me, these sex scenes were hot.

To her these sex scenes were hot.

To him these sex scenes were…boring.

Why the stark difference in opinion? Because when women watch sex, we want reality because passion is the most important (or one of the most important) component(s) to arrousal and orgasm for us. And when men watch sex, they want non-reality, fantasy.

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I am suggesting here that for men stepping out of the day-to-day is part of the pleasure of sex and masturbation, whereas for many women the pleasure is in actually indulging in reality…making it more real…we fantasize about actual lovers or those we wish were our lovers…men fanaticize about women they will never meet.

YES, I know I am over-generalizing and certainly women fantasize about dream-lovers and porn stars and men masturbate to their current real-life lovers. But the interesting and meaningful point to this tangent is that women and men conceive of arousal in sex and masturbation differently, and porn is just a reflection of that:

Why is female-based porn not a huge seller?
We don’t need it.

Why is male-based porn one of the largest industries in this country?
They need it.

So I suppose the real issue isn’t about porn vs. reality, rather it’s about real differences between men and women. And while women all to often get offended when men get turned-on by superficial fantasies, and men appear baffled by what women find arousing…once again we return to a repeating theme:

It’s about accepting and respecting differences and preferences when it comes to sex…variety is, after all, the spice of life. And in the end I really don’t care HOW you get turned-on just THAT you get turned on!

xxx dr.c.

8 thoughts on “Porn Just Doesn’t Turn HER On…But HE Loves it!

  1. AussyDog says:

    I think if porn was written, directed, and conceived by the same people that write the erotic/romance literature that the majority of women swoon over, this disparity between the sexes and their view on porn would certainly change.

    For myself I know that when I was younger when I saw a bit of lesbian porn I would get all giddy and “enjoy it” to it’s fullest. But that sense of novelty soon waned by the time I was in college. What I find now, is that without an emotional context (real or imagined) a lesbian scene isn’t terribly interesting. Perhaps I’m the odd one out in this feeling, but it’s how I feel.

    • Charly CONCHITA Carlyle says:

      I wish…but alas I think not…I porn projects I have done, admitted few and far between, but with feminist directors/bisexual WOMEN at the helm, always seemed to fall short because I truly do not think that women and men process arousal through the same pathways…perhaps this describes the foundation of The War of the Sexes (or gender which is more PC)…xxx c

      • AussyDog says:

        I never said it had to be written/directed by a woman or a feminist. I’m suggesting that the creative and colorful minds of authors of good erotica would be better suited to do the job regardless of their gender. I’d like to think that if I was to be involved in the industry, the quality of the product I would produce would be higher than your average run of the mill porn and perhaps much more enticing to a broader more engaged audience.

        Though I suppose this is my ego talking.

      • Charly CONCHITA Carlyle says:

        No no I hear you…I suppose I meant form a womanist perspective…and again my point was that our PROCESSING of AROUSING MATERIAL IS DIFFERENT…it’s not wrong that I don’t get off the way you do…it’s only wrong if I don;t get off…I mean, that was MY point…I thought 🙂

      • AussyDog says:

        I suppose it’s not really a black and white situation when you think about it. Just like sexuality is a broad spectrum, what arouses each individual can vary just as greatly. Maybe I’m coming from a perspective that doesn’t fit with your expectation of what an average man is aroused by. Maybe you’re coming from a perspective that isn’t what I think an average woman is aroused by. We’re both making our own assumptions I suppose.

        Out of pure narcissistic curiousity, have you read any of my stories? Do they arouse you in the least? Just…wondering 😉

      • Charly CONCHITA Carlyle says:

        I haven’t actually…only because work has been so busy the last few months…but now…since I have been invited…you know I will MAKE the time 😉 thank you again for being so open for a dialogue…xxx c.

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