Lessons From The Dungeon: #1 “You have to be weak, before you’re strong”

It has been about a year since I worked in the dungeon.

My experiences were, truly magnificent,

And freakish,

And enduring,

And…disgusting.

Time spent, now representing a collection of moments that at once were both exhilarating and anti-climactic.

I have wanted to write about these moments for quite awhile.

But, something stopped me.

Rather some things stopped me.

One, I wasn’t sure about my ability to fully process my experiences in a mindful manner…understanding the complex emotions of dominant and submissive.

Two, I wasn’t sure what I THOUGHT exactly OF my experiences.

Three, I felt protective.

I felt, and still feel, protective of my fellow dominas (with whom I developed a feeling of real sisterhood), and my clients (who trusted me to handle their bodies with force, and their shame with respect and empathy).

However, time has passed and I want to write.

My desire is to process my experience through my blog, while remaining in the context of “the other”…to detail the reality of this limited, yet impactful, relationship between the “hired” dominatrix and her client.

I would be untruthful if I said I wasn’t afraid…of both my reactions (“I cannot believe I did that?”) and the reactions of others (“You did that?). But life, when it is truly lived, is about confronting and dancing with our fears…is it not?

I hope you like to dance…

THINGS THE DUNGEON TAUGHT ME

LESSON 1.

We had a uniform at the dungeon. All black leather bikini with garter belt and seamed black stockings with black pumps. This was deemed the epitome of what every client would want form his or her domina.

I hated it.

In the same way I dislike any “rule” that represses my ability to express my fashion sense. I mean BDSM offers a myriad of dress-up opportunities. However, I soon learned the benefits of the (hated) uniform.

One day, a client requested latex.

We were typically told about a client’s “special desires” prior to our appointment, as such:

(in the clippy Czech accent of the dungeon’s mistress)

“Mistress Charly! Please come here! Today you will have Dave. He likes latex. You will need to wear latex. He also likes cock and ball torture and light bondage. That’s it. Oh and just spank his ass a little bit…not too much, or he’ll get bitchy.”

I skipped to my locker thrilled for my first chance to don my tremendously pricey, $800 plus, custom-fit latex outfit…for Dave. Well, really it was all about me. I failed to calculate the…less fashionable, more function, aspects of latex…

The session started as usual with introductions, price negotiation, and a discussion of desires and limitations.

I was ready to go, and so was Dave.

Dave had requested the largest room in the dungeon, with the worst ventilation. The room had a door to the outside, however when this door was shut (as Dave requested for our session) the temperature in the room ranged from muggy to jungle-hot.

I began the session…with spread eagle bondage rigging across the large leather table.

However, very soon something else became very clear:

the tenuous and often oscillating relationship between dominatrix and submissive in a dungeon environment.

Straddling my client’s body as I taunted and teased with all manner of “non-demeaning insults” (at his request).

“Look at you, all tied up! Helpless…defenseless…I…can…do…ANYTHING I WANT!”

But, Dave was a seasoned sub’ and he had chosen well.

DRIP.

DRIP.

DRIP.

Went the perspiration…pouring…from my sexy latex…and onto Dave…quickly turning my dramatic rope staging into a sweaty, slippery mess.

And faster than you can say, “slip and slide,”

I lost my grip and fell, star-fish style…right on top of Dave.

To his great delight, I might add.

The “accident”  was followed quickly by a satiated sigh of,

“Oh Mistress, you spoil me too much with your delicious sweat!”

And just like that, I realized who was really in control of the situation.

Later I learned this was a scene orchestrated again and again on “new girls”; a scene with a predictable outcome:

The dominatrix being placed at the pleasure of the submissive, in a way that was quite out of her control.

I wiped up the table and proceeded with the session…making sure I was extra rough when I slapped his cock and balls with the whip and withholding of any further accommodating behavior on my part…still I couldn’t help thinking:

“He’s gotten everything he wants already, and here I am feeling disgusted, dirty and inept.”

And so goes one of my first lessons from the dungeon:

Submission is the only pathway to true dominance.

I could have considered this interaction a failure on my part. I had entered the session feeling in control and confident concerning my skills as a competent dominatrix, and left the session feeling embarrassed and resembling a wet-cat.

Except I also left with a healthy respect for the skills of a seasoned submissive, who grasped the nuances of power and was unafraid to playfully volley that dynamic in the safety of a shared intimate experience.

If I failed at all, it was in my inability to adopt his same acceptance of the multi-faceted nature of power.

It was an important lesson…not only applicable in the dungeon, in life.

How many times have you faced opportunities that require both competence and the ability to integrate powerlessness?

At work, in school, in relationships…in virtually every aspect of our lives that provides an opportunity for growth, asks this of us:

to be strong and to be weak…it’s just how gracefully we accept that dialectic, that determines how we move forward.

Good times, it’s nice to revisit such a vibrant part of my past, Thank you… xxx c.

10 thoughts on “Lessons From The Dungeon: #1 “You have to be weak, before you’re strong”

  1. Lesbian Life says:

    GREAT Blog! And Great Quote: “Submission is the only pathway to true dominance.” I completely agree!

  2. Lucianus Mauricius says:

    It was interesting to read your first experience, it’s candid and eye opening at the same time. I often though what would happen if I relinquished control onto the hands of another person, but I can’t get myself to do so. I’ve met masters before, and though I wanted to be controlled in one way or another, I found it demeaning to be subjugated to the verbal abuse. I prefer more a physical one, but most masters don’t understand that, nor are they willing to compromise, cose heck, they’re masters after all. So I decided to wait until the right person would come along who could satisfy me and I him. One thing I’ve always said to people as a gay man, which might be applied to this story is; you have to be an excellent bottom in order to be a wonderful top, same goes for a master trying to take control of the situation, at least this is my belief.

  3. Lucianus Mauricius says:

    Reblogged this on Infernal Deity of a Psychotic Mind and commented:
    It was interesting to read your first experience, it’s candid and eye opening at the same time. I often though what would happen if I relinquished control onto the hands of another person, but I can’t get myself to do so. I’ve met masters before, and though I wanted to be controlled in one way or another, I found it demeaning to be subjugated to the verbal abuse. I prefer more a physical one, but most masters don’t understand that, nor are they willing to compromise, cose heck, they’re masters after all. So I decided to wait until the right person would come along who could satisfy me and I him. One thing I’ve always said to people as a gay man, which might be applied to this story is; you have to be an excellent bottom in order to be a wonderful top, same goes for a master trying to take control of the situation, at least this is my belief.

    • Charly CONCHITA Carlyle says:

      I remember the first time I met a master. It was at a gallery showing and demonstration for the bdsm community, of course the crowd reflected that.I had participated as a shibari model for a photographer and was very interested in getting to know more about the community. There was a very shy young Japanese artist showing as well, she was put in my “care” as she spoke almost no english and yet was excited to take in all that the NYC scene had to offer. Having slipped by me during the night I went outside to find her cornered by a large and domineering man, he appeared to be bullying her, and as is her nature she was cowering. Of course I marched up to him and asked him who the hell he thought he was to which he responded, “Master So-and-So, YOU are not allowed to address me directly!” This was atrocious and hilarious to me. I of course unleashed my wrath on him, dragging my artist in toe…to my waiting group of acquaintances who were horrified by my behavior, “how could you just talk to him like that, don’t you know who he is?” Quite simply, I did not…and looking back at him, he seemed an odd, eccentric, unattractive, heavy-set, older bully…nothing more, nothing less and certainly not someone who deserved respect simply for existing. I relate this story because you post reminds me that everything is relative and people…only possess the power that we are willing to surrender to them…so I suppose you just weren’t/aren’t ready to surrender. xxx c.

      • Tim says:

        This “master” was not one. If you have to bully and demand someone who does not know you address you in a certain way, then you are nothing but a wanna-be and bully. Nothing more nothing less.
        Yes, there is showing respect to someone that shows respect to others, when you have no connection. But respect, like power, goes both ways.
        Couples that commit to these type of relationships are doing a Power Exchange, and a knowledgeable Dominant (Master/Mistress) respects that power exchange and treats not only the sub/slave with respect but their gift of power with respect.
        I would also like to commend you for standing up to that bully and resueing your “charge” from a potentially bad situation.

        With respect,
        Sir Tim

      • Charly CONCHITA Carlyle says:

        How insightful…and truly compassionate of you…thank YOU…when I was working as a dom’…I always felt a little lost…it didn’t QUITE “fit” me…but truly I loved my “work” and miss it to this day!

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