(if) My Heart Could Speak to YOU…

(if) My heart could speak to YOU…

She would be (subjectively) honest.

She would tell you…she knew she never possessed delusions of forever, but that she cherished every moment…as precious.

When I left you that night, things were finished, we left out past to evolve into the next stage…

I felt good.

I felt bad.

I felt loss.

I won’t apologize for wanting more for you, more than I could give, for pushing you away so that you could have everything, every desire, everything I heard your heart screaming for!

She (your heart) was loud.

She (your heart) was right.

So, squeezed my heart tight and let you go.

I believed our love would transcend. That we meant more than public declarations or tokens of affection. I looked forward to watching you grow…seeing in you as the beautiful woman I know you are becoming.

I had hope.

I had love.

I had faith…in you.

I felt you pull-away. I expected this, “it’s natural.” I backed-up as well, to allow you room to heal…time for the old spaces to fill-in and new ones to appear; spaces for us to flourish, new.

Then I asked for the return of something that was mine, of great sentimental value, it was a gift to me, and not for you to keep indefinitely. If I sound defensive I am, because I never expected what came next.

Perhaps it was the final blow to your pride…I hurt you, too much. And, in return, you lashed out with the only weapon you felt you had, perhaps the weapon you knew would impact most:

Words.

…or in this case text messages, which are in so many ways worse because you can wound without ever looking your victim in the eye. I liken “murder-by-text-message” to launching missiles at a target as opposed to hand-to-hand combat…if words were weapons and communication was war.

(if) My heart could speak…

She would be (subjectively) honest.

She texts:

“(you were) A complete waste of my time.”

Time is never wasted…and the moments we shared encompassed some of the sweetest, most divine in my life.

“Thank God I still have my youth, you are DEAD and GONE.”

This hurt. Bad.

“Dead.”

“Dead”? The word hangs, pulls me down…yanks of my fears and tests my will. I have wished many things on my enemies, and shamefully worse on the ones I love…in times of anger or rage-filled tantrums. But, I have never wished death…metaphorically or otherwise. It seems…too final.

Death = the end.

And here we have it…this word hurts me…the most…because it means we are truly over; that there will be no new spaces for us in her life, in our lives.

I have never been good with separations.

Hell, I have never been great with attachments.

I run screaming from the former, and cling desperately to the latter.

Still, DEATH…seems so cruel to me; too recent in my present, too present in my past.

I remind my heart that she is still so young…of the many missteps I took at her age.

(if) My heart could speak to YOU…

She would be (subjectively) honest.

“I still have my youth…” (she types)

Yes, you do. And with that youth you have the expanse of expectations without the control and compassion that accompanies life experience.

And yet,

in all my experience with love…I have never found death.

My heart…my heart loves forever.

She sends you a kiss, and wishes your heart…peace and loving kindness.

Xxx

c.

(for Jessica).

Note: I hope that this entry is not overly self-indulgent, my intention is to be open to the emotional process, however messy and uncomfortable it might be…it IS a process after all, thank you for…listening.

5 thoughts on “(if) My Heart Could Speak to YOU…

  1. Simon says:

    Wow I always seen your links to blogs and really never read them. I took the time to read this one and ur words ur sense of life blows me away. I will be reading (hopefully) all of ur entries.
    Regards
    Simon

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