I woke up this morning…overwhelmed by melancholy…tearful actually. But, my birthday is saturday and I am reflecting a bit…well I always seem to be reflecting, but perhaps a bit more than usual. I am thinking about the things I have accomplished and the things left undone…the “WHY” of it all.
In this relatively short lifespan, some would say…I have done quite a lot. Career-wise I have been lucky enough to occupy positions from the fashion industry to medicine…account executive to clinical psychologist and researcher. When it comes to artistic expression, I was never shy about exploring the lesser known underbelly of the NYC sex, swinger, and erotic art scene and I still believe the work that came out of that was thoughtful and maybe even a little bit impactful. My relationships, while there have been a few missteps; have only added luster and depth to my life.
What am I missing?
If I had to sum it up I suppose I would say family. It’s no secret; I’ve written about it previously in my blog, my childhood was not ideal (but whose is). I moved myself 3,600 miles at the age of 17 to NYC to “get away” from family. I was so naive and yet brilliant, now that I look back; there is no doubt in my mind, that move saved my life. I struggled. Oh how I struggled. But I managed to develop into a person I can say, now, I am proud to be. In truth I couldn’t have done it without the love of my friends and partners, who in fact are my family.
People say things like, “blood is thicker than water,” or “family comes first.” I hear these epitaphs, but I cannot really understand…those sentiments have never found truth in my life. I can say that I believe in love: mutual, non-judgmental, unconditional, and everlasting. That does not mean I believe in traditional, static, or defined love…but you knew that right?
Something funny just happened…I started writing this with the intent to talk about how amidst all of my accomplishments I DIDN’T HAVE A FAMILY…A WIFE OR HUSBAND…A CHILD…and yet, THIS is where I AM NOW:
I HAVE SOMETHING BETTER (for me)… I have YOU. My friends and lovers, the people in my life…YOU have helped me be who I am today and who I will become tomorrow. I realize in writing this…I do not lack in my life…I am full of COMPASSION…give and take…and I am so grateful that life has presented me with the opportunity to have and to give…I think, no I know, it is all I ever wanted.
Thank you…on my birthday…c.
When the energy of unbearable compassion is unceasing,
In expressions of loving kindness,
the truth of its essential emptiness is nakedly clear.
This unity is the supreme unerring path.
Inseparable from it, may we meditate day and night.