The Lifestyle, Bisexuality & Fidelity: Angry Bedfellows ?

Disclaimer: Self discovery is too often like a good shot…it starts out smooth, expected, only to then knock you on your ass a few moments later!


I have always considered myself monogamous.

I am in the Lifestyle (ak Swinger) Community.

See the incongruence?

So did I…particularly after I was forced to take closer look at this dialectic.

Initially I explored my sexuality with women while in the midst of a committed relationship with a man. The man I was dating encouraged (at first) my “play” with women (without him), just not men; this while we engaged in sex with other women exclusively within the bonds of a purely sexual act–a threesome (always together). Sound like a recipe for disaster? Oh it was, when the scales of fidelity are tipped so far one-way, trust is difficult to sustain in any meaningful manner and my weekly “play dates” with women became the subject of many heated discussions and eventually I believe contributed to the ending of that relationship…illustrating to me that, dabbling outside of the relationship, if not minded carefully, is a slippery slope…too bad I wasn’t being attentive.

Now in new committed relationship with a man, I entered in much the same manner:

I am Bisexual. I have sexual relationships with women. I am in a committed and monogamous relationship with a man.

THAT is precisely how my dialogue with a curious friend would proceed, with a bit more filler of course. Essentially I saw no conflict there, no room for misunderstanding until one night over wine with friends when I came to a painful realization…after deftly and defiantly refuting a friend’s statement that:

Fidelity is fidelity, irregardless of the gender of the “other”.

I was left to pause and reflect on a recent situation that was causing my head to whirl and heart to pound…

During one of my sexual romps with a woman…something emotional was sparked…and I wanted MORE. Not physically, as was my usual reaction…I wanted MORE of HER…SELF…her heart.

It HURT. This realization…the conflict being:

I am in a committed and monogamous relationship. I am Bisexual. I am engaging in sexual relationships outside of mine. I am falling in love with someone else.


At this point, my friend gently reminded me that in fact I was…in an open relationship…as is any relationship that sanctions outside sexual relations.

My mind rolled over this, fighting it…loving the freedom of unbridled play with women while simultaneously cherishing the safety of my “serious” relationship with my boyfriend…and yet I had to accept that I had committed an error in judgment. Not that open relationships are wrong, but that by not being honest with myself about the possible impact of opening my heart, albeit through my body…I had risked losing what I loved…the person I love.

It was a tough lesson. One I don’t think everyone in the Lifestyle has to wrestle with…but for ME…it was an important turning point. A moment of mindfulness and real self-awareness:

I am in the Lifestyle. I am Bisexual. Relations OUTSIDE of mine, come with great risk to ALL parties involved.

A risk that, to be honest, no sexual thrill nor split in my heart is worth.

Does this mean that I have rejected the Lifestyle? That I have decided not to act on my bisexual yearnings? No absolutely not…what it means is that I learned something that I always tell ALL the Newbies and yet somewhere never absorbed myself:

Whatever you decide to engage in sexually or otherwise…do so WITH your partner…in mind.

For my downfall was not my act, it was my intention.

And so, I end this totally autobiographical entry, where I began…The Lifestyle is a wonderful explorative and expressive community…filled with sexual freedom without judgment…it is ALMOST anything you WANT it to be…as long as you are true to ONE very important person…YOURSELF!

Passing from ignorance to understanding…hurts…but it’s so worth it, I hope my stumblings engender the same in you!  xxx c

3 thoughts on “The Lifestyle, Bisexuality & Fidelity: Angry Bedfellows ?

  1. xesenta says:

    Apparently, the next phase – or in the Western World will be the distillation of “Sexual identity” … your short exegesis of self expression reminds that this will indeed happen. To be honest, I’m not impressed with the status quo of sexual identity. Its all too empirical and opportunistic. Not that that is a bad thing, but it is no accident that sexuality thrives in states of lawlessness (for example, I cite prisons and public mobs as unfortunate evidence of sexual abandon). Racism and other emotionally-driven character features also thrive in these environments.

    Makes me wonder if sexuality can truly be civilised as (we) like to pretend? How will this all pan out? I just hope nothing explodes before I get my wank on … x

    • Charly CONCHITA Carlyle says:

      lol…interesting theories…I have to say my intent with this post was nothing more than a personalized expose really…perhaps a test of my ability to be truly honest…with myself…in the hopes that it might touch another…BUT measured against the larger picture…I must admit…even as a shrink, who strives to tame that which biology has shaped…in the END: WE ARE ANIMALS…and this regardless of racism…violence…etc…WE WILL ALL FIND A WAY TO GET OUR “WANK ON” as you so deftly phrased! lol…thank you, your wit makes smiles…xxx c

  2. teo says:

    I would intuitionally think, that a monogamous relationship means one partner, whether a man or a woman. I guess it’s pretty confusing, when a man ‘allows’ or even enjoys occasionally sexual dates between his girlfriend and other women… and although sex can be just physical sometimes, there’s always a risk. I’m glad that it’s clearer now you, I’m sure that it’s worth 🙂

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