Disclaimer: Self discovery is too often like a good shot…it starts out smooth, expected, only to then knock you on your ass a few moments later!
I have always considered myself monogamous.
I am in the Lifestyle (ak Swinger) Community.
See the incongruence?
So did I…particularly after I was forced to take closer look at this dialectic.
Initially I explored my sexuality with women while in the midst of a committed relationship with a man. The man I was dating encouraged (at first) my “play” with women (without him), just not men; this while we engaged in sex with other women exclusively within the bonds of a purely sexual act–a threesome (always together). Sound like a recipe for disaster? Oh it was, when the scales of fidelity are tipped so far one-way, trust is difficult to sustain in any meaningful manner and my weekly “play dates” with women became the subject of many heated discussions and eventually I believe contributed to the ending of that relationship…illustrating to me that, dabbling outside of the relationship, if not minded carefully, is a slippery slope…too bad I wasn’t being attentive.
Now in new committed relationship with a man, I entered in much the same manner:
I am Bisexual. I have sexual relationships with women. I am in a committed and monogamous relationship with a man.
THAT is precisely how my dialogue with a curious friend would proceed, with a bit more filler of course. Essentially I saw no conflict there, no room for misunderstanding until one night over wine with friends when I came to a painful realization…after deftly and defiantly refuting a friend’s statement that:
Fidelity is fidelity, irregardless of the gender of the “other”.
I was left to pause and reflect on a recent situation that was causing my head to whirl and heart to pound…
During one of my sexual romps with a woman…something emotional was sparked…and I wanted MORE. Not physically, as was my usual reaction…I wanted MORE of HER…SELF…her heart.
It HURT. This realization…the conflict being:
I am in a committed and monogamous relationship. I am Bisexual. I am engaging in sexual relationships outside of mine. I am falling in love with someone else.
I AM NOT IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP.
At this point, my friend gently reminded me that in fact I was…in an open relationship…as is any relationship that sanctions outside sexual relations.
My mind rolled over this, fighting it…loving the freedom of unbridled play with women while simultaneously cherishing the safety of my “serious” relationship with my boyfriend…and yet I had to accept that I had committed an error in judgment. Not that open relationships are wrong, but that by not being honest with myself about the possible impact of opening my heart, albeit through my body…I had risked losing what I loved…the person I love.
It was a tough lesson. One I don’t think everyone in the Lifestyle has to wrestle with…but for ME…it was an important turning point. A moment of mindfulness and real self-awareness:
I am in the Lifestyle. I am Bisexual. Relations OUTSIDE of mine, come with great risk to ALL parties involved.
A risk that, to be honest, no sexual thrill nor split in my heart is worth.
Does this mean that I have rejected the Lifestyle? That I have decided not to act on my bisexual yearnings? No absolutely not…what it means is that I learned something that I always tell ALL the Newbies and yet somewhere never absorbed myself:
Whatever you decide to engage in sexually or otherwise…do so WITH your partner…in mind.
For my downfall was not my act, it was my intention.
And so, I end this totally autobiographical entry, where I began…The Lifestyle is a wonderful explorative and expressive community…filled with sexual freedom without judgment…it is ALMOST anything you WANT it to be…as long as you are true to ONE very important person…YOURSELF!
Passing from ignorance to understanding…hurts…but it’s so worth it, I hope my stumblings engender the same in you! xxx c