So My Mother Read My Blog: Feels a Little Like Highschool When She Read My Diary

I log onto my blog today, ready to write about being Bi-Sexual, something I feel may be one of the greatest identity dialectics I struggle with…but now all that must wait…for a little reflection:

REALLY? MY MOTHER?

Not that I don’t respect her and realize that she respects me and my choices in life and love, but I can’t help but feel a little…violated. Yes I realize this is a public blog and not like that diary hidden in the back of your panty drawer, but STILL!

Those who know me well, know that I have taken some efforts to separate one “identity” from another: professional versus play life..and so, imagine my surprise when I discover 8 COMMENTS from my mother tonight!

How in the hell did she find me on this virtual black hole that is the internet? And why? And yet the real question…why did she choose to read and then let me know that she read by “commenting”? It’s a little passive aggressive no? Or perhaps I am just sensitive and defensive about this…invasion…okay yeah so I am. And yes I realize that if I publish these musings in something more permanent one day, the whole world will know, not just my mother…but…but I just wasn’t quite ready…to be outed!

I think that’s really what this is about: BEING OUTED!

It’s not that it’s not true…it’s that somehow I needed it to come from ME…in my own time, when I felt “ready”…collected…analyzed…resolved…not NOW while I’m still struggling towards…becoming…not now when all my stumbles and wounds are so fresh! And yet, part of me says…why NOT now?

I remember the last time my mother read my diary. It was in highschool and it contained the self-absorbed whining of teen angst. It was ripe with emotion, pain, sex, and simple drug use…it was normal…AND it started a complete shit-storm in my family. I was sent to the shrink. I was cried and screamed at. I was locked in my room…and away from my few friends and boyfriend. Who saved me? My shrink who said, “Mom back up, she’s just a normal kid…oh and by the way how abut YOU and I schedule some sessions?” THANK GOD or rather thank the shrink…

Anyway, this time…she can’t “lock me up,” or can she? The simple knowledge that so much of what I write about is personal…things I have not and do not wish to discuss with her…not to mention that I have spent my ENTIRE LIFE TRYING TO PROTECT HER FROM ALL OF THESE THINGS…and now I cannot, maybe I never should have…protected her, from the truth…I will continue to write as I always have…it’s important to know…when to let go.

xxx, c.

3 thoughts on “So My Mother Read My Blog: Feels a Little Like Highschool When She Read My Diary

  1. Me says:

    WOW. I can relate, when I was locked up …yes put away for overdozed they went thru all my things, to define why / what was wrong with me. And I felt so violated, but then again I could let go after a while because it was finally OUT. finally they knew and there was nothing they could do about it, was their choice to read it and their choice to find out that side of me, they could’ve choose to keep thinking I was as innocent as I looked. But no, they wanted to know. So there is no much you can do, when people seek out ” usually they find ” Or like I use to say, don’t snoope if you’re not ready to know what is going on !!! But if you are, then go right ahead ……. Either or… Hope that feeling go away with a positive out come.

  2. teo says:

    I’m really glad for you 🙂 I’m not there yet, but it sure feels quite nice to let go… And I really hope that your mother wasn’t passive agressive with commenting, but just saying her opinion and letting you know, that she accepts you as you are and she wants to be a part of your life on that level too.

  3. Al says:

    Sometimes there’s never a good time, but often times the other person – whom you didn’t want to know your business – is actually the one who has to make the more difficult mental adjustment. There’s usually some new perspective gained from these things after the experience is digested a bit. And sometimes some added fortitude and peace of mind too.

    Great comment from the psychologist – classic turnabout!

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