What to Do When His Penis Is Too Big for You

Reblogged from GrownUpSexEd:

So often we hear "bigger is better," but what happens when bigger is too big?  Don't laugh.  This is a serious problem.  Although you may not be coming in contact with overzealous penises often, the truth of the matter is, they are out there, and many women and men struggle with how to handle them.

It can be a really sensitive subject for both parties, but not taking certain precautions can result in pain, self-consciousness and even injury.  

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Last week I posted this:   And so now...I am re-blogging the above! ;-) c.

Porn Just Doesn’t Turn HER On…But HE Loves it!

Porn is a sticky subject for a lot of us (yes I meant to be pun-ny).

We have our social views:
Everyone watches it!

We have our personal views:
Porn is cheesy, but it gets the job done.

We have our political views:
Porn doesn’t accurately reflect any sex I have ever had or will have…ever.

But I recently saw a political cartoon concerning lesbians, sex, and porn:

The idea was, if you are anti-gay how can you watch “lesbian-porn”

And it got me thinking:

When we watch two women have sex in porn are we in any way equating it with lesbian sex?

Do we equate ANY sexy we see in porn with real-life sex?

And do the answers to those questions differ by gender and sexual orientation?

Better question:

Does ANY woman relate to the women in porn from a sexual standpoint?

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that while I think men (straight and gay) in some manner do relate to porn (they are after all able to “insert” themselves into the scene during masturbation, at the very least) I do NOT think that women relate, at least not on the same level.

Now let me clarify, I am not talking about alt or lesbian or feminist (yes I made one of those) porn, I am speaking of mainstream-porn.

So now the question becomes:

Why don’t we (women) relate?
Because the women in porn don’t look like us? Fuck like us? Orgasm like us?
But, do the men in porn fuck like any men we know? No, not really…

Here we get to the core of the matter, the hilt, while men I think would like to imagine that they fuck like porn stars, women aren’t particularly turned-on at all by the sex-scenes portrayed in the majority of mainstream porn (and yet women are still buying vibrators, it’s not like we aren’t masturbating as much as men, just not to porn).

Example:

This weekend I watched A Room in Rome (a totally female driven extremely sexual film about two women who are lovers), with a another woman and a man. There were multiple graphic sex scenes in the film; in fact the majority of the film is about sex and desire.

To me, these sex scenes were hot.

To her these sex scenes were hot.

To him these sex scenes were…boring.

Why the stark difference in opinion? Because when women watch sex, we want reality because passion is the most important (or one of the most important) component(s) to arrousal and orgasm for us. And when men watch sex, they want non-reality, fantasy.

I am suggesting here that for men stepping out of the day-to-day is part of the pleasure of sex and masturbation, whereas for many women the pleasure is in actually indulging in reality…making it more real…we fantasize about actual lovers or those we wish were our lovers…men fanaticize about women they will never meet.

YES, I know I am over-generalizing and certainly women fantasize about dream-lovers and porn stars and men masturbate to their current real-life lovers. But the interesting and meaningful point to this tangent is that women and men conceive of arousal in sex and masturbation differently, and porn is just a reflection of that:

Why is female-based porn not a huge seller?
We don’t need it.

Why is male-based porn one of the largest industries in this country?
They need it.

So I suppose the real issue isn’t about porn vs. reality, rather it’s about real differences between men and women. And while women all to often get offended when men get turned-on by superficial fantasies, and men appear baffled by what women find arousing…once again we return to a repeating theme:

It’s about accepting and respecting differences and preferences when it comes to sex…variety is, after all, the spice of life. And in the end I really don’t care HOW you get turned-on just THAT you get turned on!

xxx dr.c.

Truth #22

Reblogged from My Mind to Your Mind:

Have you ever cheated on someone before?

I suppose this one would have to come up at some point. With the nature of the things I write and the questions about monogamy etc I imagine it was inevitable. So here comes the not so surprising truth.

Yes. Yes I have. To be honest my first ever experience was under the surprisingly exhilarating cloud of cheating.

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I recently read a blog (re-blogged above) addressing the issue of cheating, without getting into details, the crux was:

Because I don’t feel guilt/disgust/shame, and “should”, I am somehow bad/wrong (“sociopath” is the word that was actually used).

So, considering that the majority of us have both cheated and been cheated-on…is it any wonder that probably more than a few of us have cultivated an apathetic attitude concerning the whole scenario? And if so, why?

I have a few guesses.

One, I think that we live in a society that both accepts and maybe even encourages cheating…it’s become almost a “part” of one’s modern relationship:

We all know not to ask what our significant other is up-to when not with us during those critical first three to four months of a new relationship when we likewise don’t want them to know what we are up to.

I would also add that the rises of alt/poly/swinger/fuck-buddy relationship statuses are simply an adaptation to what is reality:

It’s not cheating if we agree on it.

As someone who has engaged in these alternative-type romantic scenarios, which I would argue are a healthier approach to infidelity than simply turning the other cheek; I have found that honesty is still key to creating and maintaining a love relationship.

I am not saying people won’t ever cheat in alt-relationships, or in fact that I won’t ever cheat…I guess I am saying, accept reality and adapt. If that means alt partnering ok, if that means walking away when you are cheated on great, if it means taking responsibility when you are the cheater all right. Just don’t sink into apathy either because you “should feel bad” and don’t or because you just don’t want to explore the alternative (feeling)…Why? Well because you…him…her…us…we are all better than that.

xxx c.

Girl Experiences - Part II

Reblogged from Kinky Poly:

Second 3some with my husband and M, it was much better and a lot less awkward than the first. I thoroughly enjoyed it, M & I kissed and petted each other a lot. I went down on her, as usual, which I love doing anyway. It was totally hot licking and sucking on her pussy, making her squirm, moan and cum.

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"...at this point, I’ve lost count of how many 3somes I’ve had with her and E, and now 2 with her and J. It’s been a lot. I’m bi, I love it. But I’m getting a little frustrated with her, I mean we kiss and touch but she never touches me beyond my breasts. I’m starting to feel like she’s just not interested in touching me or reciprocating how I make her feel." (excerpt reblogged from Kinky Poly blog's "Girl Experiences - Part II")

As someone who has walked the line of polyamory and non-monogamy in most of my romantic relationships for many years now, I think that desire-mismatches (which can go either direction by the way) are common. So what do you do?

This author was open for a dialogue with her primary (male) partner, which I think is essential...however it doesn't really solve the issue. For whatever reason, if "she" just isn't reciprocating, "she" is most likely going to continue that pattern.

Roles in polyamorous relationships are fairly quickly defined and accepted...probably a reflection of group dynamics in general. In other words, because no one in the triad is "loved"/desired the same, we strive for fairly well-defined roles in that system. Truly, I think it is this type of mis-match that becomes the downfall of most polyamorous love relationships.

In my last poly-relationship that involved separate romantic partners (one man and one woman), I made the decision to end it with one partner because I knew I couldn't give her what she REALLY wanted ("One day I know you are going to break up with him and just be with me!") = monogamy.

I think the best approach in these dicey situations is one of compassion, not just towards the other but also towards yourself. If the situation is making you uncomfortable, yes discuss it, but then really consider and accept that that may not change anything and be prepared to sever at least one of the relationships.

I know this approach sounds a bit extreme or rash...but dealing with the wants/needs/desires from multiple partners can quickly become volatile if not immediately addressed...possibly leaving "you" alone...which wouldn't be the point of a polyamorous life at all, now would it? xxx dr.c.

Happy Hump Day…images to make you sweat.

and scream…xxx conchita

Best Relationship Advice. Ever.

Reblogged from GrownUpSexEd:

I have no idea where this originated.  I did not write it, but I think it's pretty brilliant!  If you know where it originated, please post in the comments below so that we can pay credit where credit is due.  :-)

 

LADIES....listen up. Marriage is not easy. It takes compromise, work, and commitment. And....HOT SEX. Seriously. If you are not curling your man's toes with some mind blowing, Holy Shit that was awesome, I'm gonna think about that all day tomorrow kinda shit.....SOMEONE ELSE WILL.

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As much as I try to avoid gender stereotypes in relationship-advice...there are some things here that ring true when in a straight or gay or even polyamorous union...so MEN & WOMEN, LISTEN UP!

Shame is a soul eating emotion.

“Shame is a soul eating emotion.”

- C.G. Jung

During my time as a psychotherapist, “shame” remained a permeating theme among my patients…one that I also readily related to. Shame is all too often connected to sex, gender, and social status…it is a state of suffering (I would argue) imposed by society (“how others see me”) and not necessarily an inherent mental state.

As a woman who has spend a great deal of my adult life exploring sexuality, shame is not an emotion I am unfamiliar with…although it’s never been a guiding (or rather hindering) force. For me, shame has crept in when I have been far too attuned to the opinions of others and not when I was simply exploring desires…that, to me, felt quite innocent and authentic. So herein lies the paradox (so articulately stated by another, whose post I happened upon today on Facebook):

Can innocence and shame coexist, or are they mutually exclusive experiences?

I remember masturbating as a young girl, maybe age nine or so, I truly had no idea what sex even meant aside from seductive images gleaned from rated R movies; I was simply doing what felt “good”. At some point prior I must have been “given” the idea that sex was “naughty”…but even still I engaged in this act, which I would now consider innocent…and yet, I quite distinctly recall feeling shameful at the time;

It was bad, no…I was bad! 

This, and similar experiences,  have certainly influenced how I now feel about sex, as an adult…how could it not? Although I would counter that, even today, as experimental and “wild” as some would consider my sexual choices…I still feel an innocence about my desires. I understand and acknowledge the judgment that others may or may not attribute to my actions; however, I don’t feel particularly inhibited by that judgment. Perhaps, it’s possible to acknowledge the shame that society imbues and yet not to become a victim of it. Maybe…it’s possible, even as an adult who experiences shame, to be an innocent explorer in the world of sexuality.

I hope so….no, I know so.

xxx

conchita

On Puberty.

Reblogged from Rants.:

Immanuel Kant believed that we humans, because we are so emotionally complex, go through two puberties in life. The first puberty is when our bodies become mature enough for sex; the second puberty is when our minds become mature enough for sex. The two events can be separated by many, many years. Perhaps our emotional maturity comes to us only through the experiences and lessons of our youthful romantic failures.

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Sex is such an important part of who I am, of where I "seat" my identity, but I have to agree with this "rant" that I re-blogged...there is the dis-integrated SEX of youth and the integrated (ultimately more satisfying) SEX of maturity...and I would never trade the former for the latter. I always heard from my older female friends when I was in my 20's (when my sex-life was legitimately great): "I swear, it gets so much better...you cannot even imagine how great sex is after 30!"...I would nod, secretly thinking, "Yeah, right." Well, now at 38...YEAH...FUCK YEAH, THEY WERE RIGHT! xxx conchita.

Your Fetish is MY Fetish…and Mine is Yours.

Fetish,

Is defined by Merriam-Webster as, “An inanimate object worshiped for its supposed magical powers or because it is considered to be inhabited by a spirit.”

The word fetish originally meant “charm,” and it originates from the 15th century Portuguese word feitico, which means false power, object or charm. For example, when the Portuguese explored West Africa and encountered native religions, they called whatever talisman (totems, carvings, beads) they revered a fetish.

To the Portuguese in those days, the fetishists were those who worshiped the unusual. Later on, however, the implication of the word took on a whole different meaning.

Today, Fetishes are defined by the DSM (the “bible” of mental health) as, “Persistent preferential sexual arousal in association with non-living objects, an over-inclusive focus on (typically non-sexual) body parts (e.g., feet, hands) and body secretions…Partialism, an exclusive focus on part of the body.”

The DSM goes on to specify criteria that would merit a clinical diagnosis (mental disorder); however, the main dysfunction being that it hinders ones life/job/relationships in some disabling manner. For most of us though…our fetishes do not have such debilitating effects. The majority of healthy sexually active adults that I know utilize their fetishes as an integral and satisfying part of their sex-play.

There are the typical fetishes: hands/feet, water, hair, voyeurism/exhibitionism, fingernails/lipstick, stomachs, tattoos/piecings, rubber/latex, BDSM.

And then there are the atypical fetishes…that encompass all manner of oddities…things you may have never even fathomed. Working as a Dominatrix I encountered some interesting ones: golden showers, suffocation, torture, cross-dressing, infantilism, pony-play, forniphilia (using someone as furniture, literally), dog training, emetophilia (vomiting)…to name a few.

As a psychotherapist I encountered an even stranger (creepier?) fetish:

Coprophilia, or the poop fetish.

My patient was a beautiful girl really, delicate and fine boned, and she always reminded me of a classically-trained ballerina; however, she was a dominatrix. She often spoke of her clients and the ways in which she dealt with managing/tolerating their particular fetishes, and one in particular fascinated and disgusted her (and me):

The guy who constructed a toilet that fit over his head so that she could defecate into his mouth.

I know…take a moment to breathe. The most fascinating part about this act was not that someone was into it, people are into all nature of disgusting things…no, it was the manner in which she had to psych herself up to do this act that she found repulsive.

And yet even in her abhorrence it was clear that there was a kind of pleasure that she derived from this act, which made me re-consider…perhaps fetishes cannot so simply be defined and dismissed as “partialism” or an inability to relate to another as a whole, some form of lesser connection.

When a fetish is enacted with the participation of another, it becomes necessarily an exchange.

While the above is an extreme illustration I think that many of us can still relate to this concept of fetishism as connection. If you have ever indulged a lover in his or her “special desire” you know this to be true. For example, even if you do not particularly find spanking a turn-on…the simple fact that it excites your lover, by consequence also excites YOU. It is this very exchange-of-kink (if you will) that has lead me to  the belief that functional fetish play can be extremely important and even beneficial in healthy sexual relationships…as it requires one to accept and enact another’s desire solely because it is theirs; we indulge them and in turn we are also satisfied.

With that…I encourage you to…go on…get your kink-on…because it is virtually gauranteed that someone will be there in indulge and enjoy with you!

xxx

dr.c.

(images by: Mayumi)

Monday LOVE for My BAD BITCHES!

“Be a bad bitch, never be a stupid bitch.” – M. Minaj

Meditating on all my bad bitches today…you are hard and beautiful women for certain!

You have unflagging confidence.

Are up to challenge anyone and everyone.

And ALWAYS carry you sexuality,

like it belongs to NO ONE except YOU…

because it doesn’t.

Cheers to my BAD BITCHES!

xxx conchita.