What to Do When His Penis Is Too Big for You

Reblogged from GrownUpSexEd:

So often we hear "bigger is better," but what happens when bigger is too big?  Don't laugh.  This is a serious problem.  Although you may not be coming in contact with overzealous penises often, the truth of the matter is, they are out there, and many women and men struggle with how to handle them.

It can be a really sensitive subject for both parties, but not taking certain precautions can result in pain, self-consciousness and even injury.  

Read more… 945 more words

Last week I posted this:   And so now...I am re-blogging the above! ;-) c.

Porn Just Doesn’t Turn HER On…But HE Loves it!

Porn is a sticky subject for a lot of us (yes I meant to be pun-ny).

We have our social views:
Everyone watches it!

We have our personal views:
Porn is cheesy, but it gets the job done.

We have our political views:
Porn doesn’t accurately reflect any sex I have ever had or will have…ever.

But I recently saw a political cartoon concerning lesbians, sex, and porn:

The idea was, if you are anti-gay how can you watch “lesbian-porn”

And it got me thinking:

When we watch two women have sex in porn are we in any way equating it with lesbian sex?

Do we equate ANY sexy we see in porn with real-life sex?

And do the answers to those questions differ by gender and sexual orientation?

Better question:

Does ANY woman relate to the women in porn from a sexual standpoint?

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that while I think men (straight and gay) in some manner do relate to porn (they are after all able to “insert” themselves into the scene during masturbation, at the very least) I do NOT think that women relate, at least not on the same level.

Now let me clarify, I am not talking about alt or lesbian or feminist (yes I made one of those) porn, I am speaking of mainstream-porn.

So now the question becomes:

Why don’t we (women) relate?
Because the women in porn don’t look like us? Fuck like us? Orgasm like us?
But, do the men in porn fuck like any men we know? No, not really…

Here we get to the core of the matter, the hilt, while men I think would like to imagine that they fuck like porn stars, women aren’t particularly turned-on at all by the sex-scenes portrayed in the majority of mainstream porn (and yet women are still buying vibrators, it’s not like we aren’t masturbating as much as men, just not to porn).

Example:

This weekend I watched A Room in Rome (a totally female driven extremely sexual film about two women who are lovers), with a another woman and a man. There were multiple graphic sex scenes in the film; in fact the majority of the film is about sex and desire.

To me, these sex scenes were hot.

To her these sex scenes were hot.

To him these sex scenes were…boring.

Why the stark difference in opinion? Because when women watch sex, we want reality because passion is the most important (or one of the most important) component(s) to arrousal and orgasm for us. And when men watch sex, they want non-reality, fantasy.

I am suggesting here that for men stepping out of the day-to-day is part of the pleasure of sex and masturbation, whereas for many women the pleasure is in actually indulging in reality…making it more real…we fantasize about actual lovers or those we wish were our lovers…men fanaticize about women they will never meet.

YES, I know I am over-generalizing and certainly women fantasize about dream-lovers and porn stars and men masturbate to their current real-life lovers. But the interesting and meaningful point to this tangent is that women and men conceive of arousal in sex and masturbation differently, and porn is just a reflection of that:

Why is female-based porn not a huge seller?
We don’t need it.

Why is male-based porn one of the largest industries in this country?
They need it.

So I suppose the real issue isn’t about porn vs. reality, rather it’s about real differences between men and women. And while women all to often get offended when men get turned-on by superficial fantasies, and men appear baffled by what women find arousing…once again we return to a repeating theme:

It’s about accepting and respecting differences and preferences when it comes to sex…variety is, after all, the spice of life. And in the end I really don’t care HOW you get turned-on just THAT you get turned on!

xxx dr.c.

Girl Experiences - Part II

Reblogged from Kinky Poly:

Second 3some with my husband and M, it was much better and a lot less awkward than the first. I thoroughly enjoyed it, M & I kissed and petted each other a lot. I went down on her, as usual, which I love doing anyway. It was totally hot licking and sucking on her pussy, making her squirm, moan and cum.

Read more… 638 more words

"...at this point, I’ve lost count of how many 3somes I’ve had with her and E, and now 2 with her and J. It’s been a lot. I’m bi, I love it. But I’m getting a little frustrated with her, I mean we kiss and touch but she never touches me beyond my breasts. I’m starting to feel like she’s just not interested in touching me or reciprocating how I make her feel." (excerpt reblogged from Kinky Poly blog's "Girl Experiences - Part II")

As someone who has walked the line of polyamory and non-monogamy in most of my romantic relationships for many years now, I think that desire-mismatches (which can go either direction by the way) are common. So what do you do?

This author was open for a dialogue with her primary (male) partner, which I think is essential...however it doesn't really solve the issue. For whatever reason, if "she" just isn't reciprocating, "she" is most likely going to continue that pattern.

Roles in polyamorous relationships are fairly quickly defined and accepted...probably a reflection of group dynamics in general. In other words, because no one in the triad is "loved"/desired the same, we strive for fairly well-defined roles in that system. Truly, I think it is this type of mis-match that becomes the downfall of most polyamorous love relationships.

In my last poly-relationship that involved separate romantic partners (one man and one woman), I made the decision to end it with one partner because I knew I couldn't give her what she REALLY wanted ("One day I know you are going to break up with him and just be with me!") = monogamy.

I think the best approach in these dicey situations is one of compassion, not just towards the other but also towards yourself. If the situation is making you uncomfortable, yes discuss it, but then really consider and accept that that may not change anything and be prepared to sever at least one of the relationships.

I know this approach sounds a bit extreme or rash...but dealing with the wants/needs/desires from multiple partners can quickly become volatile if not immediately addressed...possibly leaving "you" alone...which wouldn't be the point of a polyamorous life at all, now would it? xxx dr.c.

Best Relationship Advice. Ever.

Reblogged from GrownUpSexEd:

I have no idea where this originated.  I did not write it, but I think it's pretty brilliant!  If you know where it originated, please post in the comments below so that we can pay credit where credit is due.  :-)

 

LADIES....listen up. Marriage is not easy. It takes compromise, work, and commitment. And....HOT SEX. Seriously. If you are not curling your man's toes with some mind blowing, Holy Shit that was awesome, I'm gonna think about that all day tomorrow kinda shit.....SOMEONE ELSE WILL.

Read more… 143 more words

As much as I try to avoid gender stereotypes in relationship-advice...there are some things here that ring true when in a straight or gay or even polyamorous union...so MEN & WOMEN, LISTEN UP!

Your Fetish is MY Fetish…and Mine is Yours.

Fetish,

Is defined by Merriam-Webster as, “An inanimate object worshiped for its supposed magical powers or because it is considered to be inhabited by a spirit.”

The word fetish originally meant “charm,” and it originates from the 15th century Portuguese word feitico, which means false power, object or charm. For example, when the Portuguese explored West Africa and encountered native religions, they called whatever talisman (totems, carvings, beads) they revered a fetish.

To the Portuguese in those days, the fetishists were those who worshiped the unusual. Later on, however, the implication of the word took on a whole different meaning.

Today, Fetishes are defined by the DSM (the “bible” of mental health) as, “Persistent preferential sexual arousal in association with non-living objects, an over-inclusive focus on (typically non-sexual) body parts (e.g., feet, hands) and body secretions…Partialism, an exclusive focus on part of the body.”

The DSM goes on to specify criteria that would merit a clinical diagnosis (mental disorder); however, the main dysfunction being that it hinders ones life/job/relationships in some disabling manner. For most of us though…our fetishes do not have such debilitating effects. The majority of healthy sexually active adults that I know utilize their fetishes as an integral and satisfying part of their sex-play.

There are the typical fetishes: hands/feet, water, hair, voyeurism/exhibitionism, fingernails/lipstick, stomachs, tattoos/piecings, rubber/latex, BDSM.

And then there are the atypical fetishes…that encompass all manner of oddities…things you may have never even fathomed. Working as a Dominatrix I encountered some interesting ones: golden showers, suffocation, torture, cross-dressing, infantilism, pony-play, forniphilia (using someone as furniture, literally), dog training, emetophilia (vomiting)…to name a few.

As a psychotherapist I encountered an even stranger (creepier?) fetish:

Coprophilia, or the poop fetish.

My patient was a beautiful girl really, delicate and fine boned, and she always reminded me of a classically-trained ballerina; however, she was a dominatrix. She often spoke of her clients and the ways in which she dealt with managing/tolerating their particular fetishes, and one in particular fascinated and disgusted her (and me):

The guy who constructed a toilet that fit over his head so that she could defecate into his mouth.

I know…take a moment to breathe. The most fascinating part about this act was not that someone was into it, people are into all nature of disgusting things…no, it was the manner in which she had to psych herself up to do this act that she found repulsive.

And yet even in her abhorrence it was clear that there was a kind of pleasure that she derived from this act, which made me re-consider…perhaps fetishes cannot so simply be defined and dismissed as “partialism” or an inability to relate to another as a whole, some form of lesser connection.

When a fetish is enacted with the participation of another, it becomes necessarily an exchange.

While the above is an extreme illustration I think that many of us can still relate to this concept of fetishism as connection. If you have ever indulged a lover in his or her “special desire” you know this to be true. For example, even if you do not particularly find spanking a turn-on…the simple fact that it excites your lover, by consequence also excites YOU. It is this very exchange-of-kink (if you will) that has lead me to  the belief that functional fetish play can be extremely important and even beneficial in healthy sexual relationships…as it requires one to accept and enact another’s desire solely because it is theirs; we indulge them and in turn we are also satisfied.

With that…I encourage you to…go on…get your kink-on…because it is virtually gauranteed that someone will be there in indulge and enjoy with you!

xxx

dr.c.

(images by: Mayumi)

Celebrating Manly Things on Steak & Blowjob Day – March 14th

Fuck “Pi Day”…no really, FUCK IT!

It is Steak and Blowjob Day,

and in honor of such a thing…

WAIT something just donned on me is there also an Ice cream and Go-down-on-a-girl Day? If not, shouldn’t this be instated immediately, if not sooner?! ALL IN FAVOR…lol

But back to the issue at hand…or mouth, rather…today is a day to celebrate manly things that are inserted into one’s mouth…with love and care of course! And so in honor of such a thing I have included some rigorous research proving that indeed…

BLOWJOBS ARE GOOD FOR ALL OF US!

Enjoy the read, and boys enjoy your special day!

xxx

conchita.

RE-POSTED FROM: http://www.sex.com

Blowjobs Reduce Depression in Women (and Men)

Popsicles can be used for practice

It’s great that blowjobs can be used as a cure for morning sickness but this blowjob news will blow* you away. The State University of New York has been studying the mood altering effects of chemicals in semen. Their results, shocking:

Blowjobs are good for a woman’s health.

In case you didn’t get it the first time, I’ll repeat myself:

BLOWJOBS ARE GOOD FOR A WOMAN’S HEALTH!

Specifically, blowjobs reduce depression in women (and men).

This may sound like a male conspiracy to get more blowjobs (which it very well could be) but luckily the team from State have provided the credentials from the study.

Semen has a lot more to offer than just little guppies, also known as sperm. It contains several chemicals that can elevate mood (esterone, oxytocin, serotonin, and a thyrotropin-releasing hormone), increase affection (cortisol),  and induce sleep (melatonin) making semen a mind-altering cocktail.

Researchers (Gallup, Burch, and Platek) interviewed 293 female college students from the Albany campus and got the women to give them blowjobs and compared their sex lives with a survey on depression. They found that women who never used condoms had fewer depression symptoms than those who always used condoms or abstained from sex entirely (not factoring the risk of not using a condom). Women who were abstinent or promiscuously practicing safe-sex were equally depressed meaning that women who are having sex aren’t happier. It is the seminal fluid and its antidepressant qualities that make women happier.

The study also showed that women have better concentration and are better at cognitive tasks when exposed to semen.

So why blowjobs specifically? Because an accidental pregnancy can cause depression. Be safe and be happy by swallowing as much semen as you can.

Real Words of LOVE, You Won’t Find in a Card this Valentine’s…but Maybe in a Blunt.

Today, I  have been thinking a lot about love…it is Valentine’s Day, soon…which I know is a ridiculous holiday…but it always seems to pull me in at the last minute…arrrghhh…and despite the cheesy commerciality of the holiday…you know I love love…and today in my daily wanderings I came across some sound relationship advice from none other than Bob Marley. Why does it seem like this man had the secrets of the universe all rolled into a joint?

FOR HER:

“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”

FOR HIM:

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

And with that sage advice…I think we all could lighten up a bit on those we love this Valentine’s…after all it’s not really about candy and flowers…it’s about finding someone to share your world with…your view…your heart…unconditionally…Damn it’s so easy to forget that and yet so essential for love to endure.

xxx

conchita.

The Duality of Life

Today I found myself searching…for an answer to pain, originating from love.

I found answers.

None of which satiated, but all reflected back the duality of life, of relationships, of sex, of love.

I am thankful to have the strength to recognize and also tolerate that duality, a dialectic that in no small part defines my life including my sexuality, my partners, my career, as well as my artistic and erotic endeavors.

I am guessing you also both suffer through and enjoy similar experiences in life, your interest in a blog such as this would seem to necessitate that, which gives me the opportunity to share some of my reflections today, with you…

A friend’s blog 100% Mixed Girl, which captures the essence of life’s dualities as truly dialectic (two opposites that should not “fit” together and yet somehow do), was the first to provide a lens.

In this particular entry she describes the melancholic experience of loss in a “friendship” that is not meeting expectations:

“True friendship is far more rare than I realized.

I also learned that I should never doubt my instincts about people.

Even if I decide to let them in, I will do so with care.

I will not allow all the same access as others.

I will try to deprogram myself from thinking that all friendships deserve the same love and intimacy.

I will make my most ambitious effort to not take their unsavory behavior personal and accept them as they are.

If I don’t, they will continue to hurt and disappoint me with their failure of my expectations.

For the close circle of ladies I have, I will continue to nurture and trust in you.

For those that no longer belong in that category, you will eventually alienate yourself and I will no longer cry, bitch and moan that you don’t fit.

I have been trying to force you into a space that was simply not designed for you.

I regrettably mourn the dream of you as you were never meant to be my reality.”

(Excerpt from Friendship & Intimacy by S.Iscove)

The idea of mourning that which never truly existed is a trick I think we have all played on ourselves and yet the loss is real, it’s just the origin we are often mistaken about. When we look to the “other” for answers we are misdirected, the origin of our suffering is within ourselves, the expectations, the desires, the judgements…these all come from us, and color the way in which we connect to others in our lives. It’s a hard lesson and one I continually struggle with, but one that once recognized is invaluable to the health and happiness of future relationships.

This reflection, combined with the approaching holiday (Halloween & Dia de los Muertos), turned my thinking to death, endings, masks…identity.

Specifically, I was looking at the work of artists Sylvia Ji and several of her images brought me to the following thoughts:

The relationship between beginnings and endings,

often they are so inter-related that we can predict one from the other.

Love and desire,

which may at times seem very much at odds,

and yet impossibly connected.

Pleasure…floats us on a cloud of passion;

however, never promises tomorrow.

The self, constantly evolving…

so much so that at times our own reactions seem alien,

yet our emotions are all ours…by definition.

Ahhhhhh…the pleasure and suffering inherent in the experience of life’s dualities…can’t live with em, can’t live without em…and so let’s choose to just accept, and LIVE.

xxx

c.

My Mantra: I am Strong!

I don’t want to be skinny I want to be strong.

Strength is my guiding aspiration, both mentally and physically.

To be strong enough to withstand

To be strong enough to let go

To be strong enough to succeed

To be strong enough to fail

To be strong enough to win

To be strong enough to lose

To be strong enough…to be weak

When I was younger, I didn’t feel this way. Life felt outside of my control and my body manifested what my heart and will could not:

I was thin, I was frail, I was weak.

It was as if my body decided to express what my heart could not bare to.

I am so happy to have shed that, to live comfortably in my own skin…so much so that I fear I make others uncomfortable at times…traipsing through public body bared to all!

But, I earned it!

My body

My mind

My heart

Are strong, strong enough to be weak without being defeated.

I survived…and I thrive. 

xxx

conchita.

(first image by http://www.BPSProductions.com)

‘Fitness for Better Sex’ – You Better Believe IT!

Physical activity has always been important to me.

Whether it was ballet, or gymnastics, horseback riding, or swimming…as a child my mother instilled in me a strong connection between mind and body that sustained through adulthood.

If my body is healthy and strong, my mind is healthy and strong.

One doesn’t supersede the other, and although I certainly hold the mental above the physical…in terms of attraction…I know for me, one accompanies the other.

Because of this belief, as an adult, working-out is like brushing my teeth: a necessary behavior for maintaining my health and preventing illness…and something that keeps me fresh and shiny…(ok well perhaps I went a little overboard with that metaphor).

Seriously though, I think that fitness is as much a part of who I am as any of my characterlogical qualities, and most of the time it feels less like something I “have to do,” and more like something I, “won’t do without.”

What about the obvious connection:

Fitness and sex (?)

The theoretical connection (equation) might look something like this:

Look Good + Feel Good = (Feel + Look Sexier)/More Sex.

With such statistical proof…one would wonder why everyone isn’t working-out RIGHT NOW!

Which brings me to a concept like ForTra (“Foreplay Training for better sex.”) founded by the brilliant and beautiful Kat ForTra, her link is over here to the right on my blog (ForTraDVD.com) where she always has some wonderfully informative and sexy tips regarding the fitness-sexual health connection.

Her theory is a mutually dependent concept:

Sexual stimulation will improve your workout,

and your fitness level improves through sexual satisfaction (by self and/or other).

That said, when I consider the healthiest relationships in my life, and I have had a myriad of extremes, I think that the most balanced ones were those in which BOTH partners (or all, in some cases) engaged in and committed to in a consistent fashion some form of exercise or fitness. This cannot be a coincidence. I am not suggesting that anyone (myself included) was some sort of fitness fanatic, who has time for that sort of thing, rather I am saying that I believe a real correlation exists between the level of one’s confidence and satisfaction with his or her sex life and their level of fitness. If we can set aside the obvious pleasure of an in-shape body (who wants to, but suspend your disbelief for a second), and focus on our own experience of self…

Fit feels better.

Being healthy allows you to experience yourself more fully as a sexual being, and in turn can only impact your sex life positively!

I know this all sounds like a given, but I wonder how often when we are at the gym…pounding out reps…we are also saying to ourselves:

THIS SET IS GOING TO IMPROVE MY SEX LIFE!

Yet, in essence…it is.

Something tells me our next workout (yours and mine) will need no further motivation.

With that, on this Wet Wednesday…cheers to busting out that extra rep…for SEX, if nothing else!

Xxx

c.

(All images by http://www.BPSProductions.com)