I am so Wet…I Blame it on the Rain!

The Rain Scene in 9 1/2 weeks is…one of the hottest scenes ever filmed.

(click link below to view scene)

9 1/2 weeks sex scene in rain by poisonhart

“Love like rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with a soaking joy. But sometimes under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface and must nourish from below, tending to its roots keeping itself alive.” -Paul Coelho

“I love you because no two snowflakes are alike, and it is possible, if you stand tippy-toe, to walk between the raindrops.” – Nikki Giovanni

“Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.” – Roger Miller

“The only noise now was the rain, pattering softly with the magnificent indifference of nature for the tangled passions of humans.” – Sherwood Smith

“If people were rain i was a drizzle and she was a hurricane.” – John Green

“I had gotten so used to the taste of rain that I forgot what the sun tasted like. Bittersweet.” – Anne Patrick

There is just something about the rain…about being wet in general…it’s like slippery sweet sex…(and yes those last two images are me) xxx c.

Shame is a soul eating emotion.

“Shame is a soul eating emotion.”

- C.G. Jung

During my time as a psychotherapist, “shame” remained a permeating theme among my patients…one that I also readily related to. Shame is all too often connected to sex, gender, and social status…it is a state of suffering (I would argue) imposed by society (“how others see me”) and not necessarily an inherent mental state.

As a woman who has spend a great deal of my adult life exploring sexuality, shame is not an emotion I am unfamiliar with…although it’s never been a guiding (or rather hindering) force. For me, shame has crept in when I have been far too attuned to the opinions of others and not when I was simply exploring desires…that, to me, felt quite innocent and authentic. So herein lies the paradox (so articulately stated by another, whose post I happened upon today on Facebook):

Can innocence and shame coexist, or are they mutually exclusive experiences?

I remember masturbating as a young girl, maybe age nine or so, I truly had no idea what sex even meant aside from seductive images gleaned from rated R movies; I was simply doing what felt “good”. At some point prior I must have been “given” the idea that sex was “naughty”…but even still I engaged in this act, which I would now consider innocent…and yet, I quite distinctly recall feeling shameful at the time;

It was bad, no…I was bad! 

This, and similar experiences,  have certainly influenced how I now feel about sex, as an adult…how could it not? Although I would counter that, even today, as experimental and “wild” as some would consider my sexual choices…I still feel an innocence about my desires. I understand and acknowledge the judgment that others may or may not attribute to my actions; however, I don’t feel particularly inhibited by that judgment. Perhaps, it’s possible to acknowledge the shame that society imbues and yet not to become a victim of it. Maybe…it’s possible, even as an adult who experiences shame, to be an innocent explorer in the world of sexuality.

I hope so….no, I know so.

xxx

conchita

Remembering my Father Through the Lens of the Sandy Hook Masacre: Death and Mental Illness

“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.”

- Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths you Can’t Avoid

Today, I remember as the day my father died.

At the time I was told that he died of a heart attack; my mother made that decision.

Later, during a confrontation about…guns, I was told that he committed suicide.

After losing his entire family in the Jone’s Town mass-suicide/murder, his life was full of suffering. We knew that he fought demons he would never slay, and wrestled with understanding of a senseless act that was incomprehensible.

He earned psychological diagnoses that ranged from bi-polar depression to schizophrenia. And near the end of his life he believed that he was God.

I did not have an easy childhood, before or after his death. And as a young adult I struggled to understand “why”…even searching his medical records to see if something else could have been done, something that may have saved him. Indeed my choice to become a mental health worker was entirely due to this loss as was the desire to work to remove the stigma of mental illness that our society has worked so hard to sustain over centuries.

This year as I reflect on my father, his death, and my own life…I also think of the recent tragedy in Sandy Hook Connecticut and of the man who committed this atrocity. He too was mentally ill. He too was armed with a gun. And while mental illness is pertinent to his story, I think it’s important to know it is not the entire story…the majority of mentally ill people are not violent towards others. It is my hope that as a knee jerk reaction we do not allow our mentality about mental illness to revert back to the middle ages, labeling and discarding those who are suffering, out of fear; rather, I hope that we will search for understanding and therefore strengthen the responsibility that we have as a society to all people.

No one act stands alone…it’s consequences are far reaching and meaningful…it’s up to us to make that meaning.

For me, my father’s suicide served to allow me to create a more meaningful life…which I imagine would make him very proud. Rest…I know you are now at peace, Dad.

xxx c.

The True Measure of Human Perversity

“It seems to me the measure of the true perversity of the human race, that one of its very few reliably pleasurable activities should be the subject of so much hysteria and repression.”

- From A Dangerous Method

Do Women NEED to Cum?

Oh, women and our orgasms…perhaps, one of the most over-strived-for and under-appreciated experiences in our lives…males, female, self, other…WE WOMEN WANT TO CUM! But here is the real question:

Do we NEED to cum?

Yesterday I wrote a post about masturbation as an exercise in mindfulness, which really got me thinking about…well, about cumming. Later that day I came upon (you know it’s punny) a quote by the vivacious and voracious Mae West:

“An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.”

I posted this quote on Facebook as I often post semi-provocative sentiments to see what sparks people and in this case the ladies were indeed sparked (the exchange follows below). While there were the expected comments about how and when to cum, there was an interesting split between the psychological benefits of orgasm versus the physiological, which got me thinking…I don’t even have to look to know there is a plethora of scientific research our there providing evidence as to the mental and physical health benefits of orgasms, just like I don’t need to look in a stats book to know that statistics are incorrect 40% of the time. So, rather than bore you with numbers from studies that have a clear agendas,  I thought I would speak from personal experience…(you all tend to prefer that anyway).

As I have previously discussed, for me orgasms from masturbation represent a form of release that leads to an increased level of focus; they are simple to achieve and result in the release of tension, serotonin kicks-in and chills me out so that I may continue to write/work/think etc. The psychological benefit is clear. However the physiological benefit is less evident, granted I am sure that mechanisms of action are occurring beneath my level of consciousness (I am somehow increasing my lifespan by orgasming), but my immediate impression is often: I am a bit raw, and messy, and my muscles feel stiff…I honestly don’t feel that stellar, body-wise.

Whereas, if I orgasm from SEX…the experience seems to be reversed.

Typically, as we know, sex takes a bit more precursor than masturbation (not always, but at least a little forethought is needed)…and that requires some form of psychological application: feelings, thoughts, considerations…it’s not just you, after all. And all of these expectations can, and often do, create tension:

“Am I cumming? Are you cumming? are we cumming…together?”

However, if the psychological benefits of sex lag behind the immediate gratification of masturbation, then the physiological payoff is much…bigger! Unlike the sore messy state that masturbating so often leaves me in, sex has the benefit of simultaneously exhausting and relaxing every muscle in my body. Maybe it’s the flood of adrenalin or dopamine or whatever, acting as natural pain killers, but after sex I physically feel NOTHING. Yes yes, so maybe I’m a little sore but by then I’ve passed-out asleep so it doesn’t really matter…and sleep…well I can just about guarantee I will not wake up until the morning, that is unless you wake me up.

Perhaps, sex is a case of physical satisfaction and benefit leading to the psychological: “I simply no longer care…about anything!”

And so here we are full circle,

Do women need to cum?

And my answer, as a learned clinician is: Yes…often and in every way possible in order to ensure our psychological and physical health.

xxx Dr. Conchita.

 

‘Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.’ – Cicero

Today, I am thankful.

I am thankful for all of the good in my life, as well as the bad…the negative, the hurt, the sadness, and the unknown. Maybe this sounds strange, to some. But when you think about it, life is the entirety of experience–not exclusively the good, the happy, the beautiful, the understandable.

Sadness is part of compassion and love, of being open…of not being afraid to feel…anything…everything…not shutting down, or shutting out. Sadness is vulnerability.

This is a powerful thought.

A difficult one.

Over the years, I have worked to cultivate a practice of mindful acceptance concerning the negative (and the unknown), with as much grace and attachment as I do pleasure and happiness. It hasn’t been easy, I fail more than I succeed but there is also learning in failure…truthfully, it is this process that gives the suffering value.

Why?

Because it enables me to feel whole, which in turn allows me to be a better friend, lover, and person…and ultimately this belief brings me a sense of peace…through all of life’s terror and beauty.

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. 

- JFK

Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty.

-Doris Day

The essence of all beautiful art, all great art, is gratitude.
-Friederich Nietzsche

Two kinds of gratitude: The sudden kind we feel for what we take; the larger kind we feel for what we give.

— Edwin Arlington Robinson

Be Thankful

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire,
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don’t know something
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations
Because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge
Because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes
They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and weary
Because it means you’ve made a difference.

It is easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are
also thankful for the setbacks.

GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles
and they can become your blessings.

Author Unknown

There are moments in life that are about embracing enjoyment…pleasure, others that ask us to withstand and be strong, and still others that show us the true meaning of compassion…through it all I am finding that the most valuable aspect of these life experiences is maintaining GRATITUDE. I am so very thankful to (and for) the people in my life…

“THANK YOU, your honesty and love is invaluable, your impact immeasurable.”

Our beliefs are transformative…cultivate yours from love.

xxx conchita.

(image by shutterbugbourdoir.com)

For my Friend…on his Birthday.

Gio and I have ben friends more than 20 years now, since we were in our teens. It’s rare that a friendship is both so intimate and so enduring, and I cherish “us” for those qualities and so many more. I could go on and on about the characteristics that qualify great friendship…but I think you know…it’s been said before and anything I might say would only be a reflection of your own experience i am sure. So instead I will offer some words from one of our favorite poets, Pablo Neruda…who we would read aloud to each other late into the night in that tiny colorful apartment on, “5th and B”…Funny how romantic love and sustained friendship (love) share so much in common.

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”  - 100 Love Sonnets

I love you Gio, today, tomorrow and always, your conchita.

Feisty Friday Quote & Image…to get you READY for the Weekend!

“I don’t know what the question is, but sex is definitely the answer.” - Woody Allen.

Enjoy your weekend loves.

xxx, c.

(image by shutterbugboudoir.com)

Mindful Hedonism: Is it Possible?

I came to my spiritual and sexual awakenings at roughly the same time in my life, late 20′/early 30′s, and no matter how hard I tried to relate one to the other these pathways always seemed to represent a distinct dialectic:

My mindful spirituality (Buddhism) focused on the virtues of releasing physical and psychological desire, 

while my erotic explorations embraced desire as if it were scripture.

These two highly influential belief systems, driving forces really, seemed incompatible…mutually exclusive…at odds with one another:

How can I be mindful and hedonistic?

And yet, therein lies the answer.

My evolution to mindful hedonism, came with time and much mindless behavior. It seems that one has to be completely open in order to later become focused and aware when it comes to desire. At any rate, the years following my obtuse view of sexual exploration (or impulsive hedonism) have been extremely rewarding…physically and emotionally.

My version mindful hedonism may not be what you would embrace as mainstream sexual practice, but I think that’s a bit too much to ask concerning anyone who values the erotic as much as I (or you) do; still, it is responsible…to my lovers…to me. It feels right.

The following passage inspired this reflection, and perhaps will spark some similar acceptance in presently disparate aspects of you as well…my hedonistic friend:

“French philosopher Michel Onfray said it best, ‘Hedonism is an introspective attitude to life based on taking pleasure yourself and pleasuring others, without [consciously] harming yourself or anyone else.’ This outlook seeks to utilize the full capacity of mind, body and heart in order to attain the highest experiences of sustainable ecstasy.

As long as we hold onto self-destructive belief patterns, actions that no longer serve us can be perpetuated in the name of avoiding the greater pain of confronting a painful memory or belief. On the other end of the spectrum, an individual may consciously take part in an activity that outwardly seems needlessly painful or “dark.” In reality, this unpleasant experience may free an individual from a parasitic belief pattern.

Sometimes the only way past it, is through it. This is where a conscious understanding of disciplined hedonism shines. Through experience, we learn that through embracing our whole being, highs and lows, we are capable of greater enjoyment and fulfillment. A symbolic closet-cleaning allows us to witness our experience of pleasure with newly liberated eyes.” (From Hedonism: The Pursuit of Happiness, by Sascha Kyssa on elephant journal.com)

The bit above about how not expressing these desires is in fact more harmful than helpful, while doing so can be ultimately healing…resonates with me. I have come to the belief that leaving aspects of ourselves unexplored (those darker less tolerable desires, for instance) only works against our ability to experience pleasure, and ultimately self-acceptance and love, and instead fosters shame and self-loathing.

So…explore, indulge, enjoy…all of your hedonistic tendencies, mindfully…and you may find that being bad, never felt so good!

xxx conchita.

(images by Shutterbugboudoir.com)

All the World’s a Stage, You Just Have to…OPEN UP!

“This bed is your stage,” Rochester had said. “From such a stage you could do anything.”

“Do you not understand? what power there is in that mouth, these sumptuous tits, that tight cunny of yours?”

“Power to do what?”

“Almost anything. now you can give a man a quick ride that leaves him happy or a night of play that tires him. but there is more to learn. you can give a man pleasure, not just in his body but in his mind, his soul, that you become a drug. So that he will crave you. So that his bullocks will ache and give him no peace until his prick is once more the master of that smooth warmth. And I can train you, pretty pet. Do you want that?”

“Yes my lord.”

“Good. On your knees. No, off the bed. for this is your god, and you must worship it.”

(She is instructed in fellatio.)

“Do you love my cock?”

Nell found that she did.

“Do you worship it, my arbor vitae, my tree of life?”

Yes, that, too.

“And do you wish for holy communion?”

…Nell did wish for it.

“Then you shall have it.” Rochester came deep in her throat…

-From, “The Darling Strumpet: A Novel of Nell Gwynn, Who Captured the Heart of England and King Charles II” by Gillian Bagwell (set in 17th Century London).

There is an indescribable quality to the experience of The Lover who turned-you-out, who taught you the value of control through worship and the immeasurable pleasure derived from pushing your erotic prowess to unimaginable limits.

It is…

The lover who invites you to perform…for him, for her, for them.

The lover who shows you how to be open…completely.

When I refer to OPENNESS, I am not (simply) referring to pleasure, I also mean the deeper, dirty, nastier emotions:

humiliation

fear

anger

jealousy

gluttony

and then…from those depths…it is the lover who lifts you up…who raises you to ecstasy, previously unimaginable.

I believe that it is only through that level of honesty that we derive true satisfaction…of an unbound nature, freedom.

Not an easy experience.

Not a pretty one

(true experiences rarely are).

Yet, it is THE ONE you need to become The Star…Not in someone else’s performance though.

The lover only sets the stage, the show is all yours.

Now, are you ready for your close-up?

Indeed, I think you are.

xxx c.

(image by Shutterbugboudoir.com for Pastease.com )