On Puberty.

Reblogged from Rants.:

Immanuel Kant believed that we humans, because we are so emotionally complex, go through two puberties in life. The first puberty is when our bodies become mature enough for sex; the second puberty is when our minds become mature enough for sex. The two events can be separated by many, many years. Perhaps our emotional maturity comes to us only through the experiences and lessons of our youthful romantic failures.

Read more… 26 more words

Sex is such an important part of who I am, of where I "seat" my identity, but I have to agree with this "rant" that I re-blogged...there is the dis-integrated SEX of youth and the integrated (ultimately more satisfying) SEX of maturity...and I would never trade the former for the latter. I always heard from my older female friends when I was in my 20's (when my sex-life was legitimately great): "I swear, it gets so much better...you cannot even imagine how great sex is after 30!"...I would nod, secretly thinking, "Yeah, right." Well, now at 38...YEAH...FUCK YEAH, THEY WERE RIGHT! xxx conchita.

Dance.

“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.” - Rumi

It’s nothing new to say that dance is an expression of the spirit that has existed since (and perhaps before) humankind. People have danced in celebration, in loss, in ritual. However, to me, the most striking feature of dance is its ability to communicate a nearly pure form of emotion…without the mess and inaccuracy of words…dance is feeling…dance speaks what we cannot fully articulate…dance draws us in and has the capacity to draw our real-self out.

And the only thing asked of us…is to: “let go”…let your body control your mind…an awkward exchange for many of us…perhaps that’s why alcohol and other illicit substances are such an integral part of nightlife in today…quite simply, we need help letting go. Not to criticize, I require that extra courage as much as the next…but it does beg the question:

Have we as humans gotten so far from the mind-body connection that truly surrendering mind to body presents such a challenge?

I have no real answer to the conundrum I’ve posed…just something that while rolling around on social media came to mind…and since I am all about exploring the physical-sensual through the lens of mindfulness, I thought I would pass it on as fodder for those intrigued by similar questions…hope you have a fabulous weekend, xxx conchita.

Real Words of LOVE, You Won’t Find in a Card this Valentine’s…but Maybe in a Blunt.

Today, I  have been thinking a lot about love…it is Valentine’s Day, soon…which I know is a ridiculous holiday…but it always seems to pull me in at the last minute…arrrghhh…and despite the cheesy commerciality of the holiday…you know I love love…and today in my daily wanderings I came across some sound relationship advice from none other than Bob Marley. Why does it seem like this man had the secrets of the universe all rolled into a joint?

FOR HER:

“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”

FOR HIM:

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

And with that sage advice…I think we all could lighten up a bit on those we love this Valentine’s…after all it’s not really about candy and flowers…it’s about finding someone to share your world with…your view…your heart…unconditionally…Damn it’s so easy to forget that and yet so essential for love to endure.

xxx

conchita.

Remembering my Father Through the Lens of the Sandy Hook Masacre: Death and Mental Illness

“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.”

- Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths you Can’t Avoid

Today, I remember as the day my father died.

At the time I was told that he died of a heart attack; my mother made that decision.

Later, during a confrontation about…guns, I was told that he committed suicide.

After losing his entire family in the Jone’s Town mass-suicide/murder, his life was full of suffering. We knew that he fought demons he would never slay, and wrestled with understanding of a senseless act that was incomprehensible.

He earned psychological diagnoses that ranged from bi-polar depression to schizophrenia. And near the end of his life he believed that he was God.

I did not have an easy childhood, before or after his death. And as a young adult I struggled to understand “why”…even searching his medical records to see if something else could have been done, something that may have saved him. Indeed my choice to become a mental health worker was entirely due to this loss as was the desire to work to remove the stigma of mental illness that our society has worked so hard to sustain over centuries.

This year as I reflect on my father, his death, and my own life…I also think of the recent tragedy in Sandy Hook Connecticut and of the man who committed this atrocity. He too was mentally ill. He too was armed with a gun. And while mental illness is pertinent to his story, I think it’s important to know it is not the entire story…the majority of mentally ill people are not violent towards others. It is my hope that as a knee jerk reaction we do not allow our mentality about mental illness to revert back to the middle ages, labeling and discarding those who are suffering, out of fear; rather, I hope that we will search for understanding and therefore strengthen the responsibility that we have as a society to all people.

No one act stands alone…it’s consequences are far reaching and meaningful…it’s up to us to make that meaning.

For me, my father’s suicide served to allow me to create a more meaningful life…which I imagine would make him very proud. Rest…I know you are now at peace, Dad.

xxx c.

Do Women NEED to Cum?

Oh, women and our orgasms…perhaps, one of the most over-strived-for and under-appreciated experiences in our lives…males, female, self, other…WE WOMEN WANT TO CUM! But here is the real question:

Do we NEED to cum?

Yesterday I wrote a post about masturbation as an exercise in mindfulness, which really got me thinking about…well, about cumming. Later that day I came upon (you know it’s punny) a quote by the vivacious and voracious Mae West:

“An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.”

I posted this quote on Facebook as I often post semi-provocative sentiments to see what sparks people and in this case the ladies were indeed sparked (the exchange follows below). While there were the expected comments about how and when to cum, there was an interesting split between the psychological benefits of orgasm versus the physiological, which got me thinking…I don’t even have to look to know there is a plethora of scientific research our there providing evidence as to the mental and physical health benefits of orgasms, just like I don’t need to look in a stats book to know that statistics are incorrect 40% of the time. So, rather than bore you with numbers from studies that have a clear agendas,  I thought I would speak from personal experience…(you all tend to prefer that anyway).

As I have previously discussed, for me orgasms from masturbation represent a form of release that leads to an increased level of focus; they are simple to achieve and result in the release of tension, serotonin kicks-in and chills me out so that I may continue to write/work/think etc. The psychological benefit is clear. However the physiological benefit is less evident, granted I am sure that mechanisms of action are occurring beneath my level of consciousness (I am somehow increasing my lifespan by orgasming), but my immediate impression is often: I am a bit raw, and messy, and my muscles feel stiff…I honestly don’t feel that stellar, body-wise.

Whereas, if I orgasm from SEX…the experience seems to be reversed.

Typically, as we know, sex takes a bit more precursor than masturbation (not always, but at least a little forethought is needed)…and that requires some form of psychological application: feelings, thoughts, considerations…it’s not just you, after all. And all of these expectations can, and often do, create tension:

“Am I cumming? Are you cumming? are we cumming…together?”

However, if the psychological benefits of sex lag behind the immediate gratification of masturbation, then the physiological payoff is much…bigger! Unlike the sore messy state that masturbating so often leaves me in, sex has the benefit of simultaneously exhausting and relaxing every muscle in my body. Maybe it’s the flood of adrenalin or dopamine or whatever, acting as natural pain killers, but after sex I physically feel NOTHING. Yes yes, so maybe I’m a little sore but by then I’ve passed-out asleep so it doesn’t really matter…and sleep…well I can just about guarantee I will not wake up until the morning, that is unless you wake me up.

Perhaps, sex is a case of physical satisfaction and benefit leading to the psychological: “I simply no longer care…about anything!”

And so here we are full circle,

Do women need to cum?

And my answer, as a learned clinician is: Yes…often and in every way possible in order to ensure our psychological and physical health.

xxx Dr. Conchita.

 

The Nymphobrainiac’s Dance…Cum Dance with Me.

I remember when I was in graduate school, and this double-life or dialectic-life of mine began to develop; many acquaintances (and friends even) were shocked by my apparently illogical life-choices:

“Wait you are studying to be a doctor, and you are_____ (insert any of the following: doing porn, a dominatrix, at a sex party, performing nude burlesque, throwing a sex party, nude modeling, writing this blog)?”

At the time, it felt as if the message was loud and clear:

Two unrelated concepts cannot coexist; rather these concepts, the intellectual and the sexual or erotic, are contraindicative—one works against the other.

Not only do I (now, older and wiser) heartily disagree, but also I would counter with,

I could not have one without the other.

Sex and mind are so inextricably intertwined for me that they are more than simply parallel concepts they are co-dependant. Or maybe that’s not an apt term, there is such a negative connotation attached to co-dependence today, perhaps symbiotic is a better description…one feeds the other.

I could not explore, express, or evolve sexually without also being mindfully connected to that experience; nor could I develop, achieve, or grow in my intellectual pursuits without the drive and energy of the erotic process.

There is no sex without mind.

I first understood this relationship at a fairly young age…around the age of 11 or 12, when I started to masturbate to the 70’s erotica rooted out of our massive home library…or to steal and consume my father’s (hidden) Playboy magazines:

Exploring the sexual calmed me; it brought me to center and allowed me to focus on mind.

In high school, when I was working on a paper…writer’s block? Masturbating cured it. Too tired to finish? Well “finishing myself-off” always seemed to re-energize.

Yes, I understand perfectly well that some might characterize this behavior as deviant and as an unhealthy reliance on a socially unacceptable method of mindfulness (yes that’s right, I just compared masturbation to meditation!), but I would disagree. In no way has my work ever been impacted negatively by these mind-sex collaborative efforts; in fact, I would say that this process of self-understanding and self-regulation has only improved my productivity. Truth be told, I still employ this method today when working on a frustrating project, and it continued to work just as well!

I believe that there is something valuable in attending to and developing seemingly variant aspects of our psyches…it is the true dialectic of life; all of these disparate concepts eventually have to mesh in order to reach some kind of equilibrium (or peace), don’t they?

Certainly these are the thoughts and ideas behind what I playfully term: the nymphobrainiac:

It is a life of balance, a life that doesn’t mindlessly exclude or include, rather one that strives to explore all aspects of curiosity and desire, no matter what the origin…where one experience or thought feeds the next…no matter how seemingly atypical or abnormal those combinations may seem…it is LIVING a truly INTEGRATED LIFE.

Today I wrote about my dance, the one whose steps are tricky and require as much grace as they do strength and endurance…perhaps you will be encouraged to master your own dance…so that we may one day…dance together…

xxx conchita.

We Who Seek to Marry Heaven and Hell

The pride of the peacock is the glory of God.

The lust of the goat is the bounty of God.

The wrath of the lion is the wisdom of God.

The nakedness of woman is the work of God.

-The Marriage of Heaven and Hell, William Blake (1793).

As of late, my play-life has taken more of a central role in my life. The pendulum has swung from a research oriented professional focus to more visceral explorations…again. Therefore today, on William Blake’s birthday, it seems fitting for us (ALL of us) to begin to explore that shift a bit further.

Blake is arguably the most important, influential, and provocative poet/visual artist/mystic of the Romantic Age. His work (for me) expresses the duality of human thought and experience through what was the language of the time: religion, politics, and philosophy.

His work sought to explore and breakdown the barriers between such dialectics as:

heaven and hell,

good and evil,

humanity and divinity.

I feel that Blake’s art reflects the work that so many of us continue in our daily lives, all of us who walk the lines between divergent yet inextricably linked concepts. We too explore the junctions and fissures that construct and inspire our life choices…sometimes with the success of insight, other times with great consequence and sacrifice. Still, our exploration continues…like Blake…our understanding is merely the beginning…and expression is the process.

Cheers to those of us who are brave enough to walk the lines….with great curiosity and faith.

(and yes, “explorations” will continue in the following blog entry…this was not a cop-out…ha.)

Xxx

Conchita.

(photo credit to: MLMLME.com for TheVanillaParty)

Human Sexuality: The range of emotion it inspires will never cease to amaze me.

Sometimes a feeling is just about an image…a moment.

This morning a friend posted the above image and it was so impactful I immediately felt:

Desire

Arousal

Attraction

and even…

Revulsion

and perhaps

Shame (?)

Images have power.

They can cultivate and create a feeling much like music does or even personal contact.

I believe that’s why I work with the visual so often, for events and even in my personal life. It’s not about being accepted or even admired…it’s about creating an emotional connection to/with another person.

And what do we do with that initial connection? Well that is completely up to you…isn’t it.

Enjoy your weekend friends…and if you are in NYC I also hope you will stop by my Halloween event…xxx conchita.

The Duality of Life

Today I found myself searching…for an answer to pain, originating from love.

I found answers.

None of which satiated, but all reflected back the duality of life, of relationships, of sex, of love.

I am thankful to have the strength to recognize and also tolerate that duality, a dialectic that in no small part defines my life including my sexuality, my partners, my career, as well as my artistic and erotic endeavors.

I am guessing you also both suffer through and enjoy similar experiences in life, your interest in a blog such as this would seem to necessitate that, which gives me the opportunity to share some of my reflections today, with you…

A friend’s blog 100% Mixed Girl, which captures the essence of life’s dualities as truly dialectic (two opposites that should not “fit” together and yet somehow do), was the first to provide a lens.

In this particular entry she describes the melancholic experience of loss in a “friendship” that is not meeting expectations:

“True friendship is far more rare than I realized.

I also learned that I should never doubt my instincts about people.

Even if I decide to let them in, I will do so with care.

I will not allow all the same access as others.

I will try to deprogram myself from thinking that all friendships deserve the same love and intimacy.

I will make my most ambitious effort to not take their unsavory behavior personal and accept them as they are.

If I don’t, they will continue to hurt and disappoint me with their failure of my expectations.

For the close circle of ladies I have, I will continue to nurture and trust in you.

For those that no longer belong in that category, you will eventually alienate yourself and I will no longer cry, bitch and moan that you don’t fit.

I have been trying to force you into a space that was simply not designed for you.

I regrettably mourn the dream of you as you were never meant to be my reality.”

(Excerpt from Friendship & Intimacy by S.Iscove)

The idea of mourning that which never truly existed is a trick I think we have all played on ourselves and yet the loss is real, it’s just the origin we are often mistaken about. When we look to the “other” for answers we are misdirected, the origin of our suffering is within ourselves, the expectations, the desires, the judgements…these all come from us, and color the way in which we connect to others in our lives. It’s a hard lesson and one I continually struggle with, but one that once recognized is invaluable to the health and happiness of future relationships.

This reflection, combined with the approaching holiday (Halloween & Dia de los Muertos), turned my thinking to death, endings, masks…identity.

Specifically, I was looking at the work of artists Sylvia Ji and several of her images brought me to the following thoughts:

The relationship between beginnings and endings,

often they are so inter-related that we can predict one from the other.

Love and desire,

which may at times seem very much at odds,

and yet impossibly connected.

Pleasure…floats us on a cloud of passion;

however, never promises tomorrow.

The self, constantly evolving…

so much so that at times our own reactions seem alien,

yet our emotions are all ours…by definition.

Ahhhhhh…the pleasure and suffering inherent in the experience of life’s dualities…can’t live with em, can’t live without em…and so let’s choose to just accept, and LIVE.

xxx

c.

A Nymphobrainiac is a Sapiosexual by Definition

Sapiosexual (n.) - a person who is sexually attracted to intelligence in others.

Turn me on with your brain.

Tease me with your insights.

Fuck me with your knowledge!

A nymphobrainiac is someone who explores the sexual, and all that is erotic, in a mindful and non-judgmental manner. It was seem to follow that this type of person might also possess the capacity to engage in a similar process from an intellectual perspective…which would make them a Nymphobrainiac-sapiosexual, or even a NYMPHO-GENIUS!

lol…thank you for playing along with me today, HAPPY FRIDAY!

xxx

c