Porn Just Doesn’t Turn HER On…But HE Loves it!

Porn is a sticky subject for a lot of us (yes I meant to be pun-ny).

We have our social views:
Everyone watches it!

We have our personal views:
Porn is cheesy, but it gets the job done.

We have our political views:
Porn doesn’t accurately reflect any sex I have ever had or will have…ever.

But I recently saw a political cartoon concerning lesbians, sex, and porn:

The idea was, if you are anti-gay how can you watch “lesbian-porn”

And it got me thinking:

When we watch two women have sex in porn are we in any way equating it with lesbian sex?

Do we equate ANY sexy we see in porn with real-life sex?

And do the answers to those questions differ by gender and sexual orientation?

Better question:

Does ANY woman relate to the women in porn from a sexual standpoint?

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that while I think men (straight and gay) in some manner do relate to porn (they are after all able to “insert” themselves into the scene during masturbation, at the very least) I do NOT think that women relate, at least not on the same level.

Now let me clarify, I am not talking about alt or lesbian or feminist (yes I made one of those) porn, I am speaking of mainstream-porn.

So now the question becomes:

Why don’t we (women) relate?
Because the women in porn don’t look like us? Fuck like us? Orgasm like us?
But, do the men in porn fuck like any men we know? No, not really…

Here we get to the core of the matter, the hilt, while men I think would like to imagine that they fuck like porn stars, women aren’t particularly turned-on at all by the sex-scenes portrayed in the majority of mainstream porn (and yet women are still buying vibrators, it’s not like we aren’t masturbating as much as men, just not to porn).

Example:

This weekend I watched A Room in Rome (a totally female driven extremely sexual film about two women who are lovers), with a another woman and a man. There were multiple graphic sex scenes in the film; in fact the majority of the film is about sex and desire.

To me, these sex scenes were hot.

To her these sex scenes were hot.

To him these sex scenes were…boring.

Why the stark difference in opinion? Because when women watch sex, we want reality because passion is the most important (or one of the most important) component(s) to arrousal and orgasm for us. And when men watch sex, they want non-reality, fantasy.

I am suggesting here that for men stepping out of the day-to-day is part of the pleasure of sex and masturbation, whereas for many women the pleasure is in actually indulging in reality…making it more real…we fantasize about actual lovers or those we wish were our lovers…men fanaticize about women they will never meet.

YES, I know I am over-generalizing and certainly women fantasize about dream-lovers and porn stars and men masturbate to their current real-life lovers. But the interesting and meaningful point to this tangent is that women and men conceive of arousal in sex and masturbation differently, and porn is just a reflection of that:

Why is female-based porn not a huge seller?
We don’t need it.

Why is male-based porn one of the largest industries in this country?
They need it.

So I suppose the real issue isn’t about porn vs. reality, rather it’s about real differences between men and women. And while women all to often get offended when men get turned-on by superficial fantasies, and men appear baffled by what women find arousing…once again we return to a repeating theme:

It’s about accepting and respecting differences and preferences when it comes to sex…variety is, after all, the spice of life. And in the end I really don’t care HOW you get turned-on just THAT you get turned on!

xxx dr.c.

Shame is a soul eating emotion.

“Shame is a soul eating emotion.”

- C.G. Jung

During my time as a psychotherapist, “shame” remained a permeating theme among my patients…one that I also readily related to. Shame is all too often connected to sex, gender, and social status…it is a state of suffering (I would argue) imposed by society (“how others see me”) and not necessarily an inherent mental state.

As a woman who has spend a great deal of my adult life exploring sexuality, shame is not an emotion I am unfamiliar with…although it’s never been a guiding (or rather hindering) force. For me, shame has crept in when I have been far too attuned to the opinions of others and not when I was simply exploring desires…that, to me, felt quite innocent and authentic. So herein lies the paradox (so articulately stated by another, whose post I happened upon today on Facebook):

Can innocence and shame coexist, or are they mutually exclusive experiences?

I remember masturbating as a young girl, maybe age nine or so, I truly had no idea what sex even meant aside from seductive images gleaned from rated R movies; I was simply doing what felt “good”. At some point prior I must have been “given” the idea that sex was “naughty”…but even still I engaged in this act, which I would now consider innocent…and yet, I quite distinctly recall feeling shameful at the time;

It was bad, no…I was bad! 

This, and similar experiences,  have certainly influenced how I now feel about sex, as an adult…how could it not? Although I would counter that, even today, as experimental and “wild” as some would consider my sexual choices…I still feel an innocence about my desires. I understand and acknowledge the judgment that others may or may not attribute to my actions; however, I don’t feel particularly inhibited by that judgment. Perhaps, it’s possible to acknowledge the shame that society imbues and yet not to become a victim of it. Maybe…it’s possible, even as an adult who experiences shame, to be an innocent explorer in the world of sexuality.

I hope so….no, I know so.

xxx

conchita

Thrilling Thursday: Get Wild, Not WET (Adult Sex Product Review)

Truth be told…we all get WET…ladies.

And that fact is both a blessing and a curse, if you will…making sex deliciously slippery AND making it a damn big mess…and depending on how often you are engaging in sex (with yourself and/or another/others) you are washing your sheets A LOT if you tend of the WETTER side of the lubrication continuum.

For me extreme wetness is a frequent reality, one that I have alternately been accepting of and slightly embarassed by for most of my adult life, “Why?” you ask. Well, without going into details, it’s MESSY and truth be told…in the end…someone ALWAYS has to sleep in the wet spot…unless you huddle to the edge of the bed and risk a fall!

So when a friend sent me information about “No More Wet Spot” I was intrigued.

www.nomorewetspot.com

“Now, No One has to sleep on the wet spot!

After years of arguing over who gets the “WetSpot” after sex we decided to do something about it. We’ve come up with this 100% Polyester waterproof blanket that is made with a “cool dry” fleece. It is specifically designed to catch fluids from sex and lube. The 50” X 60” size makes it a great fit for any surface, be it bed, couch, chair, backseat of the car or anywhere else your sex adventure takes you. It’s not bulky and can sit anywhere inconspicuously, cleverly disguised as a throw blanket. The unique bonding process brings together a soft luxurious feel with rugged durability and easy wash ability. The waterproof barrier between the two layers keep you away from your surfaces and your surfaces dry as you play, and once you’ve had your fun, just throw it in the wash and put it away till next time.”

Essentially the product works similarly to those snazzy UnderArmor or Nike running garments that wick water away from your skin surface and keep you dry during long runs. They work. And so, while I haven’t tried this particular product, there is no reason to think that the same logic wouldn’t apply.

Color me EXXXCITED…because now:

If any of you have tested this product please feel free to comment I would love to know what you think…sure beats using a towel!

xxx

Conchita.

Wet Wednesday: The Perfect XXX-Mas Gift is the One that Keeps on Giving!

We have all heard SNL infamous J.T. skit, “Dick in a Box,” by now, in all of it’s hilarity:

But what if you could actually give your dick, in a box, to your lover…well you now CAN!

I was perusing Katerina’s Closet today, my favorite (and friend owned) adult toy site, with the holidays in mind today, which brought to mind a special gift that a friend gave his lover years ago…his penis. Well, a replica of his penis at least.

From his account it was quite a project, from the making of the mold to the pouring and setting of the actual member…a labor of love if you will-y. Hahahaha!

Well of course the puns abound, but that aside the Clone-A-Willy kit was quite a well received (ha) item that Christmas…and let’s be honest who wouldn’t want your lovers dick ready and at your disposal (literally) upon any whim!

Katerina’s Closet shoppers do receive a 20% discount off of the $55 price tag…which is quite a deal fellas, when you think of all the joy you’ll bring!

Happy holidays,

c.

Do Women NEED to Cum?

Oh, women and our orgasms…perhaps, one of the most over-strived-for and under-appreciated experiences in our lives…males, female, self, other…WE WOMEN WANT TO CUM! But here is the real question:

Do we NEED to cum?

Yesterday I wrote a post about masturbation as an exercise in mindfulness, which really got me thinking about…well, about cumming. Later that day I came upon (you know it’s punny) a quote by the vivacious and voracious Mae West:

“An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.”

I posted this quote on Facebook as I often post semi-provocative sentiments to see what sparks people and in this case the ladies were indeed sparked (the exchange follows below). While there were the expected comments about how and when to cum, there was an interesting split between the psychological benefits of orgasm versus the physiological, which got me thinking…I don’t even have to look to know there is a plethora of scientific research our there providing evidence as to the mental and physical health benefits of orgasms, just like I don’t need to look in a stats book to know that statistics are incorrect 40% of the time. So, rather than bore you with numbers from studies that have a clear agendas,  I thought I would speak from personal experience…(you all tend to prefer that anyway).

As I have previously discussed, for me orgasms from masturbation represent a form of release that leads to an increased level of focus; they are simple to achieve and result in the release of tension, serotonin kicks-in and chills me out so that I may continue to write/work/think etc. The psychological benefit is clear. However the physiological benefit is less evident, granted I am sure that mechanisms of action are occurring beneath my level of consciousness (I am somehow increasing my lifespan by orgasming), but my immediate impression is often: I am a bit raw, and messy, and my muscles feel stiff…I honestly don’t feel that stellar, body-wise.

Whereas, if I orgasm from SEX…the experience seems to be reversed.

Typically, as we know, sex takes a bit more precursor than masturbation (not always, but at least a little forethought is needed)…and that requires some form of psychological application: feelings, thoughts, considerations…it’s not just you, after all. And all of these expectations can, and often do, create tension:

“Am I cumming? Are you cumming? are we cumming…together?”

However, if the psychological benefits of sex lag behind the immediate gratification of masturbation, then the physiological payoff is much…bigger! Unlike the sore messy state that masturbating so often leaves me in, sex has the benefit of simultaneously exhausting and relaxing every muscle in my body. Maybe it’s the flood of adrenalin or dopamine or whatever, acting as natural pain killers, but after sex I physically feel NOTHING. Yes yes, so maybe I’m a little sore but by then I’ve passed-out asleep so it doesn’t really matter…and sleep…well I can just about guarantee I will not wake up until the morning, that is unless you wake me up.

Perhaps, sex is a case of physical satisfaction and benefit leading to the psychological: “I simply no longer care…about anything!”

And so here we are full circle,

Do women need to cum?

And my answer, as a learned clinician is: Yes…often and in every way possible in order to ensure our psychological and physical health.

xxx Dr. Conchita.

 

The Nymphobrainiac’s Dance…Cum Dance with Me.

I remember when I was in graduate school, and this double-life or dialectic-life of mine began to develop; many acquaintances (and friends even) were shocked by my apparently illogical life-choices:

“Wait you are studying to be a doctor, and you are_____ (insert any of the following: doing porn, a dominatrix, at a sex party, performing nude burlesque, throwing a sex party, nude modeling, writing this blog)?”

At the time, it felt as if the message was loud and clear:

Two unrelated concepts cannot coexist; rather these concepts, the intellectual and the sexual or erotic, are contraindicative—one works against the other.

Not only do I (now, older and wiser) heartily disagree, but also I would counter with,

I could not have one without the other.

Sex and mind are so inextricably intertwined for me that they are more than simply parallel concepts they are co-dependant. Or maybe that’s not an apt term, there is such a negative connotation attached to co-dependence today, perhaps symbiotic is a better description…one feeds the other.

I could not explore, express, or evolve sexually without also being mindfully connected to that experience; nor could I develop, achieve, or grow in my intellectual pursuits without the drive and energy of the erotic process.

There is no sex without mind.

I first understood this relationship at a fairly young age…around the age of 11 or 12, when I started to masturbate to the 70’s erotica rooted out of our massive home library…or to steal and consume my father’s (hidden) Playboy magazines:

Exploring the sexual calmed me; it brought me to center and allowed me to focus on mind.

In high school, when I was working on a paper…writer’s block? Masturbating cured it. Too tired to finish? Well “finishing myself-off” always seemed to re-energize.

Yes, I understand perfectly well that some might characterize this behavior as deviant and as an unhealthy reliance on a socially unacceptable method of mindfulness (yes that’s right, I just compared masturbation to meditation!), but I would disagree. In no way has my work ever been impacted negatively by these mind-sex collaborative efforts; in fact, I would say that this process of self-understanding and self-regulation has only improved my productivity. Truth be told, I still employ this method today when working on a frustrating project, and it continued to work just as well!

I believe that there is something valuable in attending to and developing seemingly variant aspects of our psyches…it is the true dialectic of life; all of these disparate concepts eventually have to mesh in order to reach some kind of equilibrium (or peace), don’t they?

Certainly these are the thoughts and ideas behind what I playfully term: the nymphobrainiac:

It is a life of balance, a life that doesn’t mindlessly exclude or include, rather one that strives to explore all aspects of curiosity and desire, no matter what the origin…where one experience or thought feeds the next…no matter how seemingly atypical or abnormal those combinations may seem…it is LIVING a truly INTEGRATED LIFE.

Today I wrote about my dance, the one whose steps are tricky and require as much grace as they do strength and endurance…perhaps you will be encouraged to master your own dance…so that we may one day…dance together…

xxx conchita.

Thrilling Thursday: MEN “Respect YourSELF” for December 1st World AIDS Day!

I too often neglect my MEN-folk on this blog…particularly when I blog about sex toys, so today in pre-appreciation of World AIDS Day on December 1st (Saturday) I bring you TENGA a new adult concept in male sex toys from Japan (of course). Even at first glance, you understand WHY these toys are considered a rather high-end notion for pleasuring oneself:

The RESPECT YOURSELF PROJECT is back for its third year. This year sees the return of USA based Chari & Co NYC alongside the new forces of Opening Ceremony, Married to the Mob and HUF, joining forces with TENGA alongside 5 Japanese clothing labels, artist Makoto Aida and cartoonist Santa Inoue, with BLACKSENSE reigning from China completing RYP’s most global line-up to date.
RYP is a project based on a core concept of “Respect Yourself ~ Taking care of yourself will protect you from HIV” started by TENGA in 2010 with a wish to help, in what way we can, to help spread knowledge and awareness of – and to prevent the spread of – AIDS and HIV.

※ Products on sale from Dec.1st 2012 ( World AIDS Day )
※ All products are limited edition with only limited quantities available. Please contact each brand directly for any inquiries.
※ All proceeds will be donated to AIDS charities in participating countries. (Japan, U.S.A. and China)
※ You must be over the age of consent in your location to use this product.

Supported by : Masayuki Hamajima turquoise Co., Ltd. / techne LLC / Nippon Film Industrial Co., Ltd. / Entaniya Co., Ltd. / Tessai Kawakita
…and special thanks to everyone who helped make this project a success

[Countries / Brands]
Japan: roar / Roen / SWAGGER / VANQUISH / XLARGE® / Santa Inoue (Santastic!) / Makoto Aida
USA: Chari&Co NYC / HUF / Married to the Mob / Opening Ceremony
China: BLACKSENSE

[Release Date]
On Sale December 1st World AIDS Day
(*Makoto Aida Model available at Makoto Aida gallery event 17th Nov. Ebisu, Tokyo, JAPAN)

[Price]
Open Price – Contact Brand for further info.

 

I have to admit, I love the concept and the campaign. Tenga is Koichi Matsumoto’s brainchild, and with a background of engineering, design, and mechanics that includes tuning super cars like Lamborghini, I would say his credentials make him well-qualified to tune your penis…so to speak!

Essentially he has created different sleeves to masturbate in, which span the gamut of shape, size, texture, material…and “attitude”.

They look almost too good to dirty with your jizz if you ask me, but no one did. I have to admit I have developed such an immediate a affinity for the Keith Haring design that it makes me wish I had a cock to put it in!

And ladies and gentlemen, I think a Tenga would make such a lovely, attractive, and (possibly) hilarious gift for that man (or men) in your life; one that you won’t be grossed-out by when you find it in the bottom of his closet. Instead, you will admire the artwork, possibly smile and laugh, as you think about what nastiness must have occurred inisde of that gorgeous packaging…it’s surprisingly sexy, the power of wrappings that insinuate the possibility of naughty pleasures just beneath the surface…truly…a win win situation!

Happy masturbating lovies on the Thrilling Thursday!!!

xxx

conchita.

Wet Wednesday: Get Your Sex-ercise On!

As you may have gleaned, fitness and health are an important part to my life….everyday…so it should also seem a natural correlation to SEX!

It IS Wet Wednesday after all.

And on this fine day I have some rather intimate workouts for you…

Ladies first; I present an upgrade from the classic Ben Wa ball: the Geisha Ball (love the name) and it VIBRATES!

Simply insert it in your vagina; the movements you make while walking give you a continual massage. It also keeps the pelvic muscles in shape, allowing you more pleasure during sex.

Shots Toys Geisha Super Ball Erotic Exercise Ball Waterproof Purple

($13.99 at Katerina’s Closet, you save 11% off retail)

I wonder how it would feel if you did jumping jacks after insertion…hmmmnn.

But I digress…For the men I have the penis barbell. Okay it’s a bit of a gag-toy, but something I would LOVE to see (in use) nonetheless!

Original Pecker Exerciser

($6.79 at Katerina’s Closet, 7% off retail)

As the manufacturer points out:

“You exercise every part of your body with weights, why should your pecker be any different? It is after all a muscle as well. Keep your pecker in shape with the Original Pecker Exerciser and see how strong and muscular your pecker gets! You’ll be able to lift your partner with just your pecker alone!”

Ummmm…what a selling point and who wouldn’t want to see THAT!?!?

So, along with a hearty chuckle, I hope you’ve enjoyed these offerings for Wet Wednesday, a special thank you to Katerina’s Closet for keeping me entertained (wink, wink), and…trust that you all know the BEST EXERCISE IS…SEX-ERCISE!!!

xxx c.

(image by BPS Productions for ForTradvd.com)

A Wet Wednesday…PRE-WARNING: NYC Vibe-Giveaway!

In the interest of giving you nymphobrainiacs a heads-up…tomorrow Trojan is giving away 10,000 vibes across the city!

I can’t vouch for its functionality…I have yet to try these “over-the-counter” vibes I’ve spied as I wait to pick up my birth control script…but with a well known name and a $35 price tag, this lil-thang must get the job done at the very least!

As per Trojan on Facebook, we will have to check back to tomorrow when the secret locals will be revealed…I don’t know about you, but I will definitely be there…

“Free Orgasms! FREE ORGASMS FOR SALE!!!”

I’ll save you a spot on line…xxx c.

The Erotic Art of Schiele: “I Believe in the Immortality of all Creatures”

“I do not deny that I have made drawings and watercolors of an erotic nature. But they are always works of art. Are there no artists who have done erotic pictures?” - Egon Schiele

In what has turned into an ongoing blog-series celebrating artists who embody a nymphobrainiac ideal (the merging of intellectual and erotic mindfulness) I am returning to Egon Schiele. An Austrian painter whose body of work was completed in the early 20^th century, yet still continues to repel and enthrall today.

His work has that dialectic quality. It is not “pretty” to the eye; the lines are jilted and simplistic, the colors splotchy and garish,

and…real.

When Schiele painted the human form he actually captured aspects of the human condition:

Nude. Awkward. Sexual. Emotional. Twisted.

His figures looked like people who had lived…a difficult life…a quality captured in the very lines that “confined” their twisted shapes.

There is something almost intrusive about his painting…as if you just walked in on someone masturbating…they feel personal, intimate; as if they are still possessed by the subjects, and we are intruding on their moment.

All of these characteristics make Schiele’s work timeless and addictive. I have never looked at one Schiele image, only many.

Schiele’s personal life mirrored the non-conformity depicted in his art. He often shacked-up with underage delinquents in a kind of commune-style living arrangement and was eventually arrested for seducing a girl under the age of consent; however, after appearing before a judge, he was found innocent.

Schiele’s relationship with his mother was strained:

“My mother is a very strange woman… She doesn’t understand me in the least and doesn’t love me much either. If she had either love or understanding she would be prepared to make sacrifices.” 

With this in mind, Schiele’s salacious depictions of women appear to reflect an unconscious and twisted (really maladaptive) wish for intimacy…love.

His self-portraits almost always portrayed a nude, contorted, pained Schiele…

Theories abound about Schiele’s “overly-close” relationship with his sister (Gerti) implying incest, which was unsubstantiated…however, this interpretation remains a powerful intuition as to the inspiration behind Schiele’s sometimes disturbing work.

At one point, Schiele studied under Klimt, which may be obvious from the style adopted in his painting from that time. And while am a lover of Klimt’s work…I prefer Schiele, when he was doing Schiele…dirty, nasty, raw…HUMAN.

I think Schiele, himself, understood his work best (not a quality common in all artists) when he commented:

“Art cannot be modern. Art is primordially eternal.”

This, I think, gets to the heart of the matter…

Schiele’s work sheds the pretty dressing of society and culture and shows us…who we would be…primal, raw, base. 

Have a great weekend nymphobrainiacs! xxx c.