On Puberty.

Reblogged from Rants.:

Immanuel Kant believed that we humans, because we are so emotionally complex, go through two puberties in life. The first puberty is when our bodies become mature enough for sex; the second puberty is when our minds become mature enough for sex. The two events can be separated by many, many years. Perhaps our emotional maturity comes to us only through the experiences and lessons of our youthful romantic failures.

Read more… 26 more words

Sex is such an important part of who I am, of where I "seat" my identity, but I have to agree with this "rant" that I re-blogged...there is the dis-integrated SEX of youth and the integrated (ultimately more satisfying) SEX of maturity...and I would never trade the former for the latter. I always heard from my older female friends when I was in my 20's (when my sex-life was legitimately great): "I swear, it gets so much better...you cannot even imagine how great sex is after 30!"...I would nod, secretly thinking, "Yeah, right." Well, now at 38...YEAH...FUCK YEAH, THEY WERE RIGHT! xxx conchita.

Real Words of LOVE, You Won’t Find in a Card this Valentine’s…but Maybe in a Blunt.

Today, I  have been thinking a lot about love…it is Valentine’s Day, soon…which I know is a ridiculous holiday…but it always seems to pull me in at the last minute…arrrghhh…and despite the cheesy commerciality of the holiday…you know I love love…and today in my daily wanderings I came across some sound relationship advice from none other than Bob Marley. Why does it seem like this man had the secrets of the universe all rolled into a joint?

FOR HER:

“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”

FOR HIM:

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

And with that sage advice…I think we all could lighten up a bit on those we love this Valentine’s…after all it’s not really about candy and flowers…it’s about finding someone to share your world with…your view…your heart…unconditionally…Damn it’s so easy to forget that and yet so essential for love to endure.

xxx

conchita.

Do Women NEED to Cum?

Oh, women and our orgasms…perhaps, one of the most over-strived-for and under-appreciated experiences in our lives…males, female, self, other…WE WOMEN WANT TO CUM! But here is the real question:

Do we NEED to cum?

Yesterday I wrote a post about masturbation as an exercise in mindfulness, which really got me thinking about…well, about cumming. Later that day I came upon (you know it’s punny) a quote by the vivacious and voracious Mae West:

“An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.”

I posted this quote on Facebook as I often post semi-provocative sentiments to see what sparks people and in this case the ladies were indeed sparked (the exchange follows below). While there were the expected comments about how and when to cum, there was an interesting split between the psychological benefits of orgasm versus the physiological, which got me thinking…I don’t even have to look to know there is a plethora of scientific research our there providing evidence as to the mental and physical health benefits of orgasms, just like I don’t need to look in a stats book to know that statistics are incorrect 40% of the time. So, rather than bore you with numbers from studies that have a clear agendas,  I thought I would speak from personal experience…(you all tend to prefer that anyway).

As I have previously discussed, for me orgasms from masturbation represent a form of release that leads to an increased level of focus; they are simple to achieve and result in the release of tension, serotonin kicks-in and chills me out so that I may continue to write/work/think etc. The psychological benefit is clear. However the physiological benefit is less evident, granted I am sure that mechanisms of action are occurring beneath my level of consciousness (I am somehow increasing my lifespan by orgasming), but my immediate impression is often: I am a bit raw, and messy, and my muscles feel stiff…I honestly don’t feel that stellar, body-wise.

Whereas, if I orgasm from SEX…the experience seems to be reversed.

Typically, as we know, sex takes a bit more precursor than masturbation (not always, but at least a little forethought is needed)…and that requires some form of psychological application: feelings, thoughts, considerations…it’s not just you, after all. And all of these expectations can, and often do, create tension:

“Am I cumming? Are you cumming? are we cumming…together?”

However, if the psychological benefits of sex lag behind the immediate gratification of masturbation, then the physiological payoff is much…bigger! Unlike the sore messy state that masturbating so often leaves me in, sex has the benefit of simultaneously exhausting and relaxing every muscle in my body. Maybe it’s the flood of adrenalin or dopamine or whatever, acting as natural pain killers, but after sex I physically feel NOTHING. Yes yes, so maybe I’m a little sore but by then I’ve passed-out asleep so it doesn’t really matter…and sleep…well I can just about guarantee I will not wake up until the morning, that is unless you wake me up.

Perhaps, sex is a case of physical satisfaction and benefit leading to the psychological: “I simply no longer care…about anything!”

And so here we are full circle,

Do women need to cum?

And my answer, as a learned clinician is: Yes…often and in every way possible in order to ensure our psychological and physical health.

xxx Dr. Conchita.

 

A Poem: Reliving (You)

Why is it that I relish the time that I am alone

to savor our intimacy,

let it run through my imagination,

allow it to tickle my deepest senses?

Releasing my mind,

I slip into that secret space between

consciousness and un-…

where I can feel your hand sliding

along the curve of my thigh,

taste you neck warming

to my open lips.

These memories enter me as you do,

slowly.

I piece the experience together  like an almost forgotten sensation…

the first time you smelled a rose

and brushed its velvety petals

to your lips,

feeling its caress.

I let my tongue wrap slowly

around my finger,

and feel your tongue.

These sensations fill my fantasies.

The raw energy.

The harsh grip of your hands along my pelvis.

As we begin,

the only barrier is my body’s resistance,

which quickly turns to acceptance.

Images become fluid scenes

that seem to slide

into one moving feeling.

Now, your thrust has a sharp clarity

edging on pain…

deep inside.

The kind of pain

that can only be described as

ecstasy.

These moments, as I lay alone

I am thinking of you, of us…

and more than that…

I am reliving how I love

your touch,

your lips,

your taste,

YOU.

(Conchita, 1994)

*image by shutterbugbourdoir.com for pastease.com

The Duality of Life

Today I found myself searching…for an answer to pain, originating from love.

I found answers.

None of which satiated, but all reflected back the duality of life, of relationships, of sex, of love.

I am thankful to have the strength to recognize and also tolerate that duality, a dialectic that in no small part defines my life including my sexuality, my partners, my career, as well as my artistic and erotic endeavors.

I am guessing you also both suffer through and enjoy similar experiences in life, your interest in a blog such as this would seem to necessitate that, which gives me the opportunity to share some of my reflections today, with you…

A friend’s blog 100% Mixed Girl, which captures the essence of life’s dualities as truly dialectic (two opposites that should not “fit” together and yet somehow do), was the first to provide a lens.

In this particular entry she describes the melancholic experience of loss in a “friendship” that is not meeting expectations:

“True friendship is far more rare than I realized.

I also learned that I should never doubt my instincts about people.

Even if I decide to let them in, I will do so with care.

I will not allow all the same access as others.

I will try to deprogram myself from thinking that all friendships deserve the same love and intimacy.

I will make my most ambitious effort to not take their unsavory behavior personal and accept them as they are.

If I don’t, they will continue to hurt and disappoint me with their failure of my expectations.

For the close circle of ladies I have, I will continue to nurture and trust in you.

For those that no longer belong in that category, you will eventually alienate yourself and I will no longer cry, bitch and moan that you don’t fit.

I have been trying to force you into a space that was simply not designed for you.

I regrettably mourn the dream of you as you were never meant to be my reality.”

(Excerpt from Friendship & Intimacy by S.Iscove)

The idea of mourning that which never truly existed is a trick I think we have all played on ourselves and yet the loss is real, it’s just the origin we are often mistaken about. When we look to the “other” for answers we are misdirected, the origin of our suffering is within ourselves, the expectations, the desires, the judgements…these all come from us, and color the way in which we connect to others in our lives. It’s a hard lesson and one I continually struggle with, but one that once recognized is invaluable to the health and happiness of future relationships.

This reflection, combined with the approaching holiday (Halloween & Dia de los Muertos), turned my thinking to death, endings, masks…identity.

Specifically, I was looking at the work of artists Sylvia Ji and several of her images brought me to the following thoughts:

The relationship between beginnings and endings,

often they are so inter-related that we can predict one from the other.

Love and desire,

which may at times seem very much at odds,

and yet impossibly connected.

Pleasure…floats us on a cloud of passion;

however, never promises tomorrow.

The self, constantly evolving…

so much so that at times our own reactions seem alien,

yet our emotions are all ours…by definition.

Ahhhhhh…the pleasure and suffering inherent in the experience of life’s dualities…can’t live with em, can’t live without em…and so let’s choose to just accept, and LIVE.

xxx

c.

My Mantra: I am Strong!

I don’t want to be skinny I want to be strong.

Strength is my guiding aspiration, both mentally and physically.

To be strong enough to withstand

To be strong enough to let go

To be strong enough to succeed

To be strong enough to fail

To be strong enough to win

To be strong enough to lose

To be strong enough…to be weak

When I was younger, I didn’t feel this way. Life felt outside of my control and my body manifested what my heart and will could not:

I was thin, I was frail, I was weak.

It was as if my body decided to express what my heart could not bare to.

I am so happy to have shed that, to live comfortably in my own skin…so much so that I fear I make others uncomfortable at times…traipsing through public body bared to all!

But, I earned it!

My body

My mind

My heart

Are strong, strong enough to be weak without being defeated.

I survived…and I thrive. 

xxx

conchita.

(first image by http://www.BPSProductions.com)

‘Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.’ – Cicero

Today, I am thankful.

I am thankful for all of the good in my life, as well as the bad…the negative, the hurt, the sadness, and the unknown. Maybe this sounds strange, to some. But when you think about it, life is the entirety of experience–not exclusively the good, the happy, the beautiful, the understandable.

Sadness is part of compassion and love, of being open…of not being afraid to feel…anything…everything…not shutting down, or shutting out. Sadness is vulnerability.

This is a powerful thought.

A difficult one.

Over the years, I have worked to cultivate a practice of mindful acceptance concerning the negative (and the unknown), with as much grace and attachment as I do pleasure and happiness. It hasn’t been easy, I fail more than I succeed but there is also learning in failure…truthfully, it is this process that gives the suffering value.

Why?

Because it enables me to feel whole, which in turn allows me to be a better friend, lover, and person…and ultimately this belief brings me a sense of peace…through all of life’s terror and beauty.

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. 

- JFK

Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty.

-Doris Day

The essence of all beautiful art, all great art, is gratitude.
-Friederich Nietzsche

Two kinds of gratitude: The sudden kind we feel for what we take; the larger kind we feel for what we give.

— Edwin Arlington Robinson

Be Thankful

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire,
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don’t know something
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations
Because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge
Because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes
They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and weary
Because it means you’ve made a difference.

It is easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are
also thankful for the setbacks.

GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles
and they can become your blessings.

Author Unknown

There are moments in life that are about embracing enjoyment…pleasure, others that ask us to withstand and be strong, and still others that show us the true meaning of compassion…through it all I am finding that the most valuable aspect of these life experiences is maintaining GRATITUDE. I am so very thankful to (and for) the people in my life…

“THANK YOU, your honesty and love is invaluable, your impact immeasurable.”

Our beliefs are transformative…cultivate yours from love.

xxx conchita.

(image by shutterbugbourdoir.com)

“What kind of party IS this?”

“What kind of party is this?”

I have heard it time and time again, concerning my events or smaller get togethers.

The simple answer is:

“It’s an intimate event for friends and lovers.”

The implied meaning being:

This is an adult-themed sexually-charged party, for those who comfortable enough with themselves and their loved ones to explore and express their desires in a respectful and safe manner.

Response:

“Oh so it’s a swinger party!”

Answer:

“No, this is a party for everyone, inclusive of all orientations, genders, fetishes, disabilities…abilities…shapes…sizes, etcetera.”

Question:

“Do people have sex?”

Response:

“If they want; no, if they do not want.”

Question:

“Are they naked?”

Answer:

“No, usually it’s just me…and anyone else who I am successful at undressing.”

I suppose the short of it is:

I wanted to create an atmosphere of sensual abandon, not a place of a singular or exclusive mindset, rather an INCLUSIVE mindset…a space where people perhaps get to be and do things they have only fantasized about in erotic imaginings. It’s a rather ambitious mission statement I realize, but it’s mine…and my only wish is to make it OUR REALITY.

As my friend Marselette always says, “Party on, or move on.”

xxx conchita.

(image credit: www.bpsproductions.com)

Cummings and Goings…

I have to admit, it does strike me as odd that a blog (my blog) about so much cumming also includes so many goings…

However, upon further reflection it seems apt…legit even.

When you think about it, every cumming necessitates a going.

But let me not get tied too tightly to semantics here and get right to the point:

Relationships, all kinds of relationships, have a beginning…and some (most)…an ending.

Coincidentally, the former is usually more pleasant than the latter, which shouldn’t dissuade us…I mean we can’t cum unless we begin….right?

And isn’t the ending also an opportunity to begin again?

I say we all (and by that I mean myself and perhaps many of you) could utilize this knowledge to…

HIT THE ROAD.

Stick out our thumb

&

HITCH A RIDE…

because while it can never be guaranteed that we will be cumming,

If we are open to the experience

We will always be going, somewhere.

I realize this blog was a bit…metaphorical, perhaps even frustratingly so…it was to me in a way, even writing it. But, it needed to be. Recently ending a long friendship, I needed to create a little distance from the experience, even in reflecting, in order to see the positive attributes of separation. Anyway, thank you for muddling along with me, through the sexy and not-so-sexy…at least it’s all real.

xxx conchita.

(Image by: shutterbugboudoir.com for pastease.com )

Sex Is Fun - Five Questions

Reblogged from storyofalice:

Aaaaand... back to our regular programming. Have you ever wanted to listen to a bunch of friends carrying an informed, light-hearted conversation about everything sexual? Then I recommend listening to the Sex is Fun podcast. While you're at it, you might want to give a listen to their archives right here.

A couple of months ago, the Sex is Fun team came up with a series of questions…

Read more… 134 more words

1. Who are you as a sexual person? This description might include labels regarding orientation, gender, or preferred behaviours, or it may not. As a sexual person, generally I would describe myself as passionate and loving, which may be surprising. I never defined myself as bisexual until recently when it seemed like the politically correct thing to do, but have ALWAYS been attracted to both genders equally. Overall, I would say I understand myseld as someone with a playful attitude about sex and very few hangups concerning myself and/or others...AND it took me a LONG time to get to "this place". 2. What was one of the first things you thought was sexy or an early moment you were aware of feeling sexy? I always thought reading was sexy, meaning I found sexual pleasure through reading probably as soon as I could read (8 or 9?) I was consuming all of my mother's romance novels; tucked away into a corner of her library! As for what I first though was sexy? Clothing...the drape of a neckline, the turn of an ankle in a high heel, the way a man's shirt collar forms to his neck...odd, but at the age of 9 or so my exposure to sexy things was limited! 3. What is a sexual fantasy or experience you have yet to fulfill? Great question. In the moment (this will change i am sure), I would love to experience full submission to a lover. I am told at times I am too much in control, which I accept, I would like to surrender...it doesn't need to be in a BDSM scenario although that would be a plus! 4. How open are you about your sex life and/or your sexual identities? Extremely open, some would say too much so, but I made the conscious decision to be open, to share so that others may feel like marginalized by their own desires...which is why I have my blog, throw sexually-themed events, etc. 5. What question would help us best understand what is important to you about your sexuality? What makes you feel wanted, sexually? Shall I answer it as well...? **THE 5 QUESTIONS ARE ADDED IN THE COMMENT SECTION IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO ANSWER THEM**