Today I found myself searching…for an answer to pain, originating from love.
I found answers.
None of which satiated, but all reflected back the duality of life, of relationships, of sex, of love.
I am thankful to have the strength to recognize and also tolerate that duality, a dialectic that in no small part defines my life including my sexuality, my partners, my career, as well as my artistic and erotic endeavors.
I am guessing you also both suffer through and enjoy similar experiences in life, your interest in a blog such as this would seem to necessitate that, which gives me the opportunity to share some of my reflections today, with you…
A friend’s blog 100% Mixed Girl, which captures the essence of life’s dualities as truly dialectic (two opposites that should not “fit” together and yet somehow do), was the first to provide a lens.
In this particular entry she describes the melancholic experience of loss in a “friendship” that is not meeting expectations:
“True friendship is far more rare than I realized.
I also learned that I should never doubt my instincts about people.
Even if I decide to let them in, I will do so with care.
I will not allow all the same access as others.
I will try to deprogram myself from thinking that all friendships deserve the same love and intimacy.
I will make my most ambitious effort to not take their unsavory behavior personal and accept them as they are.
If I don’t, they will continue to hurt and disappoint me with their failure of my expectations.
For the close circle of ladies I have, I will continue to nurture and trust in you.
For those that no longer belong in that category, you will eventually alienate yourself and I will no longer cry, bitch and moan that you don’t fit.
I have been trying to force you into a space that was simply not designed for you.
I regrettably mourn the dream of you as you were never meant to be my reality.”
The idea of mourning that which never truly existed is a trick I think we have all played on ourselves and yet the loss is real, it’s just the origin we are often mistaken about. When we look to the “other” for answers we are misdirected, the origin of our suffering is within ourselves, the expectations, the desires, the judgements…these all come from us, and color the way in which we connect to others in our lives. It’s a hard lesson and one I continually struggle with, but one that once recognized is invaluable to the health and happiness of future relationships.
This reflection, combined with the approaching holiday (Halloween & Dia de los Muertos), turned my thinking to death, endings, masks…identity.
Specifically, I was looking at the work of artists Sylvia Ji and several of her images brought me to the following thoughts:
The relationship between beginnings and endings,
often they are so inter-related that we can predict one from the other.
Love and desire,
which may at times seem very much at odds,
and yet impossibly connected.
Pleasure…floats us on a cloud of passion;
however, never promises tomorrow.
The self, constantly evolving…
so much so that at times our own reactions seem alien,
yet our emotions are all ours…by definition.
Ahhhhhh…the pleasure and suffering inherent in the experience of life’s dualities…can’t live with em, can’t live without em…and so let’s choose to just accept, and LIVE.