What to Do When His Penis Is Too Big for You

Reblogged from GrownUpSexEd:

So often we hear "bigger is better," but what happens when bigger is too big?  Don't laugh.  This is a serious problem.  Although you may not be coming in contact with overzealous penises often, the truth of the matter is, they are out there, and many women and men struggle with how to handle them.

It can be a really sensitive subject for both parties, but not taking certain precautions can result in pain, self-consciousness and even injury.  

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Last week I posted this:   And so now...I am re-blogging the above! ;-) c.

Truth #22

Reblogged from My Mind to Your Mind:

Have you ever cheated on someone before?

I suppose this one would have to come up at some point. With the nature of the things I write and the questions about monogamy etc I imagine it was inevitable. So here comes the not so surprising truth.

Yes. Yes I have. To be honest my first ever experience was under the surprisingly exhilarating cloud of cheating.

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I recently read a blog (re-blogged above) addressing the issue of cheating, without getting into details, the crux was:

Because I don’t feel guilt/disgust/shame, and “should”, I am somehow bad/wrong (“sociopath” is the word that was actually used).

So, considering that the majority of us have both cheated and been cheated-on…is it any wonder that probably more than a few of us have cultivated an apathetic attitude concerning the whole scenario? And if so, why?

I have a few guesses.

One, I think that we live in a society that both accepts and maybe even encourages cheating…it’s become almost a “part” of one’s modern relationship:

We all know not to ask what our significant other is up-to when not with us during those critical first three to four months of a new relationship when we likewise don’t want them to know what we are up to.

I would also add that the rises of alt/poly/swinger/fuck-buddy relationship statuses are simply an adaptation to what is reality:

It’s not cheating if we agree on it.

As someone who has engaged in these alternative-type romantic scenarios, which I would argue are a healthier approach to infidelity than simply turning the other cheek; I have found that honesty is still key to creating and maintaining a love relationship.

I am not saying people won’t ever cheat in alt-relationships, or in fact that I won’t ever cheat…I guess I am saying, accept reality and adapt. If that means alt partnering ok, if that means walking away when you are cheated on great, if it means taking responsibility when you are the cheater all right. Just don’t sink into apathy either because you “should feel bad” and don’t or because you just don’t want to explore the alternative (feeling)…Why? Well because you…him…her…us…we are all better than that.

xxx c.

Happy Hump Day…images to make you sweat.

and scream…xxx conchita

Best Relationship Advice. Ever.

Reblogged from GrownUpSexEd:

I have no idea where this originated.  I did not write it, but I think it's pretty brilliant!  If you know where it originated, please post in the comments below so that we can pay credit where credit is due.  :-)

 

LADIES....listen up. Marriage is not easy. It takes compromise, work, and commitment. And....HOT SEX. Seriously. If you are not curling your man's toes with some mind blowing, Holy Shit that was awesome, I'm gonna think about that all day tomorrow kinda shit.....SOMEONE ELSE WILL.

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As much as I try to avoid gender stereotypes in relationship-advice...there are some things here that ring true when in a straight or gay or even polyamorous union...so MEN & WOMEN, LISTEN UP!

Shame is a soul eating emotion.

“Shame is a soul eating emotion.”

- C.G. Jung

During my time as a psychotherapist, “shame” remained a permeating theme among my patients…one that I also readily related to. Shame is all too often connected to sex, gender, and social status…it is a state of suffering (I would argue) imposed by society (“how others see me”) and not necessarily an inherent mental state.

As a woman who has spend a great deal of my adult life exploring sexuality, shame is not an emotion I am unfamiliar with…although it’s never been a guiding (or rather hindering) force. For me, shame has crept in when I have been far too attuned to the opinions of others and not when I was simply exploring desires…that, to me, felt quite innocent and authentic. So herein lies the paradox (so articulately stated by another, whose post I happened upon today on Facebook):

Can innocence and shame coexist, or are they mutually exclusive experiences?

I remember masturbating as a young girl, maybe age nine or so, I truly had no idea what sex even meant aside from seductive images gleaned from rated R movies; I was simply doing what felt “good”. At some point prior I must have been “given” the idea that sex was “naughty”…but even still I engaged in this act, which I would now consider innocent…and yet, I quite distinctly recall feeling shameful at the time;

It was bad, no…I was bad! 

This, and similar experiences,  have certainly influenced how I now feel about sex, as an adult…how could it not? Although I would counter that, even today, as experimental and “wild” as some would consider my sexual choices…I still feel an innocence about my desires. I understand and acknowledge the judgment that others may or may not attribute to my actions; however, I don’t feel particularly inhibited by that judgment. Perhaps, it’s possible to acknowledge the shame that society imbues and yet not to become a victim of it. Maybe…it’s possible, even as an adult who experiences shame, to be an innocent explorer in the world of sexuality.

I hope so….no, I know so.

xxx

conchita

On Puberty.

Reblogged from Rants.:

Immanuel Kant believed that we humans, because we are so emotionally complex, go through two puberties in life. The first puberty is when our bodies become mature enough for sex; the second puberty is when our minds become mature enough for sex. The two events can be separated by many, many years. Perhaps our emotional maturity comes to us only through the experiences and lessons of our youthful romantic failures.

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Sex is such an important part of who I am, of where I "seat" my identity, but I have to agree with this "rant" that I re-blogged...there is the dis-integrated SEX of youth and the integrated (ultimately more satisfying) SEX of maturity...and I would never trade the former for the latter. I always heard from my older female friends when I was in my 20's (when my sex-life was legitimately great): "I swear, it gets so much better...you cannot even imagine how great sex is after 30!"...I would nod, secretly thinking, "Yeah, right." Well, now at 38...YEAH...FUCK YEAH, THEY WERE RIGHT! xxx conchita.

Dance.

“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.” - Rumi

It’s nothing new to say that dance is an expression of the spirit that has existed since (and perhaps before) humankind. People have danced in celebration, in loss, in ritual. However, to me, the most striking feature of dance is its ability to communicate a nearly pure form of emotion…without the mess and inaccuracy of words…dance is feeling…dance speaks what we cannot fully articulate…dance draws us in and has the capacity to draw our real-self out.

And the only thing asked of us…is to: “let go”…let your body control your mind…an awkward exchange for many of us…perhaps that’s why alcohol and other illicit substances are such an integral part of nightlife in today…quite simply, we need help letting go. Not to criticize, I require that extra courage as much as the next…but it does beg the question:

Have we as humans gotten so far from the mind-body connection that truly surrendering mind to body presents such a challenge?

I have no real answer to the conundrum I’ve posed…just something that while rolling around on social media came to mind…and since I am all about exploring the physical-sensual through the lens of mindfulness, I thought I would pass it on as fodder for those intrigued by similar questions…hope you have a fabulous weekend, xxx conchita.

My Ball Gag: A Lesson in the (Bitter) Sweet Sacrifice of Surrender

I planned to write about something completely different today, however a friend sparked a distant memory and…I was too distracted to think of anything else but:

Ball gags.

To me ball gags represent one of the highest forms of non-physical punishment.

They do not hurt, and restrain only minimally.

No the real domination if the ball gag is…mental.

I know I have told this story before, but it’s a good one:

I was shooting for a BDSM website and one of the shots called for a ball gag with attached nipple clamps. I had already done a couple shots with the clamps and was having quite a lot of fun so of course I responded in the affirmative,

“Yeah sure, bring it on!”

I mean how horrible could it be…right?

The gag was this gorgeous blue color, with handmade silver chains attached to delicate little nipple clamps…harmless and beautiful.

And THAT, my friends, was my error: looks can be terribly deceiving.

And so, enchanted by the royal blue color and shiny silver links I donned the gag and clamps for the shot. As I was waiting for the photographer to set up the lights, something started to happen…

Drip

Drip

DRIP

(shit, my lipstick)

I desperately started to try to suck up all of this very non-cosmetic and increasingly offensive DROOL

Sssssllllluuuurrrpppppppppppppssshhhh…

Despite my efforts it was becoming increasingly apparent that not only could I not suck up the slobber…but also, the flow was increasing…and I was beginning to…

GAG!

(Oooohhhhhhhh…so, that is why they call it a…)

In a desperate attempt for help I started to whine between my SLURPS

“mmmmmssssuuuooorrrrrssshhhhhmmmmmeeeeeeeee.”

The photographer looked up, with the most satisfied sadistic expression across his face, and said,

“Oh honey, yeah…don’t try to stop it just let it flow!”

I whimpered, in response. (Fine.)

I let it go…and it went. Long disgusting trails of slobber trailed down my entire naked body. And everyone on the shoot was pleased, except me.

It wasn’t that I was suffering, oh who am I kidding…I was suffering! But more than that, I was…ashamed.

The complete and total lack of control of my body was driving me mad…and the alternative choice was not very appealing: choke to death on my own spit…what could I do? I let it go, let all the slime just spew from my mouth.

I will admit there was a certain pleasure in it, but not the kind of self-possessed pleasure I am accustomed to, no this was more like surrender…I surrendered and my reward was…permission to let my body take over.

If you think about it it’s not unlike the experience of an orgasm, for a woman, you have to let go and let your body take over in order to climax… it is also a surrender to the physical that in many ways that must begin with the mental.

So…the next time you have the choice to either preserve your dignity or surrender it…go for the latter…I promise it will be far more instructive and ultimately more satisfying.

Cheers to wetness!

Xxx

Conchita.

Wet Wednesday: The Perfect XXX-Mas Gift is the One that Keeps on Giving!

We have all heard SNL infamous J.T. skit, “Dick in a Box,” by now, in all of it’s hilarity:

But what if you could actually give your dick, in a box, to your lover…well you now CAN!

I was perusing Katerina’s Closet today, my favorite (and friend owned) adult toy site, with the holidays in mind today, which brought to mind a special gift that a friend gave his lover years ago…his penis. Well, a replica of his penis at least.

From his account it was quite a project, from the making of the mold to the pouring and setting of the actual member…a labor of love if you will-y. Hahahaha!

Well of course the puns abound, but that aside the Clone-A-Willy kit was quite a well received (ha) item that Christmas…and let’s be honest who wouldn’t want your lovers dick ready and at your disposal (literally) upon any whim!

Katerina’s Closet shoppers do receive a 20% discount off of the $55 price tag…which is quite a deal fellas, when you think of all the joy you’ll bring!

Happy holidays,

c.

Do Women NEED to Cum?

Oh, women and our orgasms…perhaps, one of the most over-strived-for and under-appreciated experiences in our lives…males, female, self, other…WE WOMEN WANT TO CUM! But here is the real question:

Do we NEED to cum?

Yesterday I wrote a post about masturbation as an exercise in mindfulness, which really got me thinking about…well, about cumming. Later that day I came upon (you know it’s punny) a quote by the vivacious and voracious Mae West:

“An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.”

I posted this quote on Facebook as I often post semi-provocative sentiments to see what sparks people and in this case the ladies were indeed sparked (the exchange follows below). While there were the expected comments about how and when to cum, there was an interesting split between the psychological benefits of orgasm versus the physiological, which got me thinking…I don’t even have to look to know there is a plethora of scientific research our there providing evidence as to the mental and physical health benefits of orgasms, just like I don’t need to look in a stats book to know that statistics are incorrect 40% of the time. So, rather than bore you with numbers from studies that have a clear agendas,  I thought I would speak from personal experience…(you all tend to prefer that anyway).

As I have previously discussed, for me orgasms from masturbation represent a form of release that leads to an increased level of focus; they are simple to achieve and result in the release of tension, serotonin kicks-in and chills me out so that I may continue to write/work/think etc. The psychological benefit is clear. However the physiological benefit is less evident, granted I am sure that mechanisms of action are occurring beneath my level of consciousness (I am somehow increasing my lifespan by orgasming), but my immediate impression is often: I am a bit raw, and messy, and my muscles feel stiff…I honestly don’t feel that stellar, body-wise.

Whereas, if I orgasm from SEX…the experience seems to be reversed.

Typically, as we know, sex takes a bit more precursor than masturbation (not always, but at least a little forethought is needed)…and that requires some form of psychological application: feelings, thoughts, considerations…it’s not just you, after all. And all of these expectations can, and often do, create tension:

“Am I cumming? Are you cumming? are we cumming…together?”

However, if the psychological benefits of sex lag behind the immediate gratification of masturbation, then the physiological payoff is much…bigger! Unlike the sore messy state that masturbating so often leaves me in, sex has the benefit of simultaneously exhausting and relaxing every muscle in my body. Maybe it’s the flood of adrenalin or dopamine or whatever, acting as natural pain killers, but after sex I physically feel NOTHING. Yes yes, so maybe I’m a little sore but by then I’ve passed-out asleep so it doesn’t really matter…and sleep…well I can just about guarantee I will not wake up until the morning, that is unless you wake me up.

Perhaps, sex is a case of physical satisfaction and benefit leading to the psychological: “I simply no longer care…about anything!”

And so here we are full circle,

Do women need to cum?

And my answer, as a learned clinician is: Yes…often and in every way possible in order to ensure our psychological and physical health.

xxx Dr. Conchita.